The game that just won't start

No major revelations here. Just some stupid "our software sucks so much we can't delete meaningless nonexistent tournaments" nonsense.

December 9th today. The tourney here is still listed as full, but not running. Registration will start in one minute, but the tourney is full. So how did they register? This gal is well known as a personal friend of Jarah's and she slowly milked her Ben and Jerry's instead of slamming it down waiting for the game to start.

Or maybe it's just another in the long line of AI related and posted here fusterclucks that shows that something funkalicious (definitely a word that can be found in the DOBOP - Dictionary of Bogus Online Poker) is going on here.

My heart cries out to the poor tortured souls that are trapped in limbo that are waiting for this game to start as their ice cream melts away. If only they realized they were brainwashed alien parasites blown up by Xenu, leader of the Intergalactic Federation, 75 million years ago they might have been able to move on before man evolved from clams.

Newest Poker Candy

York Peppermint Pattie -The player that constantly gets pat hands, peppers the pot with liberal amounts of raises and earns a mint.

Junior Mints- The two players that go all in on Omaha Hi-Lo with A-2 and get quartered by the high winner.

5th Avenue - The player that magically wins with the river again, and again.

Airheads - 99.768% of all positions on any given game.

Bit O'Honey- The player that has the icon of the hot women (may or may not be Asian) that chats up like she's a loose and available commodity. This is a dying breed. I haven't seen this for years.

Sugar Daddy - All the players that fall for the Bit O'Honey's charms.

Jolly Rancher - The player that insists on posting "nh" on every single hand.

Life Savers - The player that trades chips to the one that is out who is too lazy to go through the process of starting over with the free 1000.

Now and Later - The player that sits out the first hand, gets bled to death by blinds and antes for half an hour and pops back up into the game.

Razzles - 7 card stud lowball experts.

Runts - The players that have nothing better to do with their life than get the free 1000 play money chips, log into several games, play very badly, lose their 1000 free money chips, refresh them again, and again and again.

Sixlets - Players that go all in on a Hold'em full table with a pair of sixes and think they're actually going to win.

Spree - Players that win at least four hands in a row on a full table. These are also usually classified as York Peppermints or some other position that is obviously getting statiscally unreasonable cards.

Whoppers - The players that reraise on a Spree that has already signaled that they have a killer.

Zero - Any player that is currently dating a hot Asian babe and is more interested in bogus Internet poker than her affections.

Millenium2012

You just got yourself a name on the candy list. On a big multi-table game it's traditional that the AI plays very rapidly and assimilates some huge chip stacks. In order to make the real humannot have an even playing field it happens far too often that your first table is very, very, very, very, very add 120 million more very to that

Slow. Like I'm supposed to believe that someone would actually register for a tournament then deliberately timeout every single time. Of course, I do, but I don't count.

The very aptly named millenium2012 did just that.

This is the Marathon bar, a delicious and nolonger existent piece of choclate covered caramel that was my first love with my paper route money.

The hot Asian gal pictured here is rumored to be sleeping with the Senate Minority Whip which she likes to call her "Licorice Whip" but so far my crack team of investigative journalists (me and the dog) haven't found that they are playing poker online.

I saw a commercial for PokerStars tonight on TV. Play against their millions of players. And now the millions of players can't even post a couple of characters of chat. Too busy timing out, I guess.

Candy Endorsements

In addition to Ben & Jerry's, Jarah's sweet tooth also has found its way to the candy rack. Knowing of my long, even though tumultuous at times relationship with her, I was not surprised to have scored some major endorsement deals. All I need to do is wear a hat with a logo on each of my online tournaments and sit and gos and refer to some new lingo here.

First off, from a game play side I just got screwed over on a meaningless PokerStars 500 (+ the admin fee they need to keep the site running!) play money game, where as far too often happens the first hand I get after the break is one of the few decent ones I get after playing dozens. This is called the Nestle Crunch. Other terms I will be using now include:

Goobers - They used to be called 'Feeders' here. Obviously dumb enough to buy into a hand they will lose.

Raisanettes- Used to be called 'Vacuums.' The ones getting the great cards the Goobers are stupid enough to call into.

Cadbury - The obnoxious player everyone hates. You're supposed to want to hate him so much you will try to be the one that gets rid of him.The one that buries the obnoxious cad is the Cadbury.

Butterfinger - The tricky player that posts how they have to go, goes all in (instead of just sitting out) and not surprisingly gets the winning hand. Some Butterfingers are extra large in size and go all in and win on several hands in a row, then calm down and play more or less normal (but they still don't leave the table.)

Three Musketeers - The table where the top three spots are paid off, you're number four, and magically they play to make you lose instead of playing to win by trading chips with each other.

Twix - Same as above, but the real human is 3rd and the top two spots are paid out.

Juicy Fruit - Someone that plays so gay like joining a high buy in lowball game and obviously plays for high on the first hand to Goober the pot. (Reference recent episode of South Park before the homophobic attacks.)

Milky Way- So far my sponsors and I cannot come to a conclusion on how to make a non-homophobic sperm reference related to multiple Juicy Fruits here. We'll get back to you after the lawyers talk.

Snickers- It's polite and professional to post a simple "nh" congratulating the player that conquered you. Snickers taunt by posting "nh" when they aren't in on the showdown.

Rolo - Rolls over and folds even when they could just check. Curiously Rolos seem to be confined to PokerStars.

Mounds- The aggressive chip leader that bets like it's the first time they ever had the chip lead.

Wrigleys- Short stacked players going all in trying to wriggle out of what should be certain table death. This gum is so amazing it works 50% of the time. Deep down Wrigleys are just another excuse to lay down a big bet on a rigged hand.

Zagnut - Zounds! Amazing! Glorious! The guy that folds 40 hands in a row and then when the real human finally catches a decent hand bad beats him into oblivion. The Z!A!G! nut is often also seen as merely a cocoanut, despite the lack of chocolate.

Payday - The player challenged on their lack of skill that is successful because of the awesome cards they get dealt who brags about how much real money they've won in their defense. The poorest tasting candy since it doesn't explain why they are wasting their time on free money tables if they are really that good.

Mentos- Friendlier than a Payday, but wants to take you under their arm, "school you" and be your mentor. teach you what you're doing wrong and be their Gandalf to your pathetic Frodo.

My crack team of playing poker with hobbits experts (me the dog and Jarah) think he's pretty weak and that trying to teach us by a Mentos that's not put into a two liter Coke bottle is lame.

I don't even remember if this is the same douchebag as before, but this weekend had the same pre-game dialogue. Taunt the "scumbags" at the table and give them a very friendly and professional wish that they lose.

This is an old tactic about as effective against me as the hot slutty chick scenario. The idea is that your supposed to be thrown off your normal game because you want to "school him" and take him down a notch. For me, it just sets off my Dragonfly Sense and I get to being more conservative than I ordinarily do. That's because me and my crack team of hating to be taunted by bullies (me, the dog and the cute gal at China Wok that gives me pork lo mein for lunch) recognize that it's just overcompensating for a pre-programmed artificial intelligence tiny penis.

My super powers are equal to the Dragonfly, and in addition to waiting out the juvenile and generally not funny so called comedy of the Superhero movie just to see the Tom Cruise Scientology video parody for the 7th time, I have no problem folding a gargantuan number of hands and settling for second place. Because it's obvious the cards aren't random and the chip leader gets cards out the wazoo. Probably because his wazoo was penetrated by an overcompensated artificial intelligence penis and he's lucky that the rectal bleeding didn't killhim before the overly drawn out, playing to make me lose that didn't work game reached my second place conclusion.

Me and my crack team of TV sequels (me and the dog) have come up with a new money making scheme. Angela Lansbury as a Scientologist. It's called "Do Not Murder She Wrote." All the royalties will be invested in the all important internet poker play money chipmutual fund and invested in Dubai stock.

Oh yeah, I've got a sweet golden ticket. The only expense I'm going to have to worry about is keeping this Asian hottie happy.

Do Not Murder- Astounding Scientology Catch Phrase

And do not waste your time pretending that you can get ahead on internet poker free money games. And don't pretend you have a chance with Asian hotties. Settle for the 280 pound girl at the grocery checkout.

Let's get rid of the non-poker topic first.Amazingly, Scientology has come up with this remarkable concept that nobody has ever thought of before. They actually have signs outside their buildings for one of their front groups that say, "Do Not Murder." My what a novel and unique concept for one to live your life.This stunning recruitment tactic is just a couple of steps less than some concepts me and my crack team of overstating the obvious experts (me and the dog) have thought of.

Don't drink battery acid.
Don't turn the heat on to 90 degrees in the middle of summer.
Do not under any circumstances watch a Tom Baker episode of Doctor Who and expect to see anything resembling decent special effects.
Don't invest in Enron stock.
Don't change your name to "Medulla Oblangata" and expect to not nbe laughed at.

My company I work for is generous enough to give me Thanksgiving and the Friday after off. This means that in addition to the occasional meal, sleeping at odd hours of the day and night, watching my She Wolf of London DVDs I got to make a general nuisance ofmyself this weekend. If I put half the effort into my job that I put into internet poker my boss would be a happy man.

Disappointingly, I don't have anything to report other than the usual nonsense. With this big bullseye I have on my back, it's obvious that far too many players are more interested in playing to make me lose than playing to win. Amusingly, it's not constantly the same opponents. I could almost understand it if I pissed someone off and they were out to get me. Not the case.

Despite the urge, I think I'll just watch Monday Night Football and try really, really hard to not murder someone tonight.

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Run home. Run home and cry to mama. Me, I'm through running. I say we stay here and fight it out.

Guess what I did this morning. I sat in on a meaningless potlimit Omaha Hi Lo tourney on PokerFrauds. Just shy of 500 entrants.

My patience is the size of Mount Rushmore, but I did go a little bit crazy at the end and only finished 38th. Prior to that it was behaving a lot less like a real human would do that got me irked.

I just discovered something I never knew before. Internet poker is rigged.

Please explain how someone can play over 100 hands in a meaningless 500 player game, win one hand played seriously, fold out the rest and just watch the bad movie unfold. It explains the sitting out bullshit. Just like internet strategy games like Dominion you do better by being passive than actually playing.