The Xenu Story

Time for some non-poker related info and what makes me "tick." There is a tie in between Internet poker and Scientology for me. I heard of Scientology decades ago and just passed it off as a bunch of nut jobs in a godless religion that loved to sue people at the drop of an Ace of Spades.

One of my female co-workers was gifted a subsription to Maxim magazine, and realizing that I am a male she decided to gift it to me. The second or third issue came in and there was an article about Anonymous vs. Scientology. Anonymous, as you should know by now unless you've been hiding under an Internet rock is a leaderless group of hackers that did what I did after I read that article.

No "religion" on the planet is more expensive than Scientology. They have gotten away with numerous human rights violations and destroyed thousand of lives. Other than poker nothing in my life has occupied more time on the Net than investigating the crimes of Scientology. Because just like Nigerian princes, for some reason I really, really hate the fraud.

Now, this chap asking if I was a Scientologist in the chat was off base. Low level Scientologists aren't supposed to know about the Xenu story because (I'm not making this up) they will die of pneumonia if they aren't ready for it.

The South Park episode from season 11 "Trapped in the Closet" is much more entertaing, but I will recap it here.

Xenu, the evil intergalactic overlord, had a huge overpopulation problem. He tricked billions of citizens into thinking they were having tax audits done. He froze them and transported them to Earth (aka Teegeak) in spaceships that looked like airplanes.

He then dropped them in the volcanoes of Earth, and if that wasn't bad enough he blew them up with nuclear weapons. This released their spirits into the sky. Sensing serious repercussions Xenu trapped them with giant floating soul catchers. Then he pu them in giant movie theaters and like Malcolm McDowell he forced them to watch videos of a false reality. Jesus, 1970's sitcoms and Tostino's pizza rolls - don't exist.

Time out. I'm really, reall not making this up. When you have a "religion" founded by a hack science fiction writer, this is what you get. Although I did take some artistic license with the Tostinos line.

These reprogrammed spirits called thetans floated around mindlessly until man finally evolved from clams.

Time out. I'm not making that up either. Clams.

And these are all the cause of every problem on this planet. You didn't get sick, you had a bad thetan. You didn't crash your car ny yourself, you had a bad thetan. You get rid of your bad thetans by auditing, an expensive Scientology process.

Xenu was eventually captured and imprisoned in a mountain with an eternal battery to power the jail cell so he can't escape. But he's not dead.

And now the point. Whether it's poker or Scientology, don't begin to try and insult my intelligence. I'm basically a nice guy until you raise my hackles with fairly obvious bullshit.