The Big Lay Down

Samer69 - the Poker Whiz and Sex Dervish

2012-01-26T21:18:00.000-05:00

Do I really need to explain the math on this anymore? This Saudi Cyclone stamps stupid sorry sacks. These three tables ran at the same time. More than three million chips on 40k buy in tables with positive cash flow on all three - one somewhat realistic and two WTF? caliber skill (?) And with the sixty-nine in has name - HE'S HAVING ORAL SEX DURING THE GAMES!!!!

Personally, the last time I had a BJ while playing poker I zoned out and called an all-in with a pair of aces and lost to 72 off suit.

The message I received in my addled brain. Don't pretend your cards are random. And don't pretend your girlfriend isn't going to leave you for a Rich Saudi.

Decisons, Decisioms, Derisions

2012-01-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

I've got a couple of choices here. Do I bust on the obvious math problemashin (real word) or do I go for the "suspicious raised my eyebrow (the one not burned off in the methampetamine accident) and question an apparent lack of humanity that I have no real proof of." Maybe I have the energy for both. If I don't we're going with the unibrow.

Lately PokerStars has been pretty good about keeping the obvious bullshit away from the tables I play on. However, the 18 player Hold'em sitters tend to play out like I'm playing against a single person that can bounce around between positions, post a little meaningless chat trade chips to the low stacks and in general play to make me lose instead of playing to win. But to PS's credit I have finished in the money 3 consecutive gsmes.

When one sittest (real Amish word) down on a two table game you can expectorate (really a real word, but used improperly) that you might get moved. And you can expectorate (ditto) that since these take more than hour to resolve that you will have significant time spent vs. your adversaries.

For the duration of this sitter Max sat out and then sat back in bunchloadiful (real word) times. And the chip leader for the majority of the game is all shocked and surprised that he's back in the game. Mentions it for the first time after being at the same table with this guy for an hour.

Weird.

What I've Learned in More than 15 years of Internet Poker

2012-01-25T20:35:00.000-05:00

And this is in regards to each individual table.

Now remember, I only play free money games. I am convinced they are wilder, weirer, wondrastically (real word) more screwed up than the real money games. Because if anyone has seen one thousandth of the nonsense I've seen that would have had for the hills ages ago and pulled their money out before the US Justice department got involved.

Tonight's fun started as it typically happens way too often. Someone goes all in on the first hand. Someone else calls. Someone wins (other than me) and we now have an expert that bully's the rest of the table. While I continue to get a 2 or 3 on every single hand and basically have crap.

It's a bit sporadic. Since I'm always short stacked, sometimes I go all in on my first decent hand and win. Sometimes I lose.

When I do win and I've struggled to get myself into a decent position there's this cute little trick of playing to make me lose instead of playing to win.

OK, I get it. Methematically(real word) I've exposed you. Let's make my card experience uncomfortable. Let's make it Microsft Hearts playing to make the human lose uncomfortable.

Thanks for the attention and lack of a serious rebuttal. Good Night. My Emeter...er Malt Liquor awaits.

I Finally Get the Inside Joke

2012-01-24T20:52:00.000-05:00

There's an old joke out there that fire engines are red because their always rushin'.

This can't possibly be a coincidence. Rushin'. Russian. Race table - race = rushing. Rush Limbaugh - took some drugs and even though I think Oxy is a depressant he was still rushing.

It seems fairly obvious. Unless one forgets about useless crap like math the only real way to success on Internet poker free money tables is to rush.

Bet, raise, bet again, raise more.

Not a Racist, Just Curioust

2012-01-22T13:56:00.000-05:00

Curioust - real word.

Me and my crack team of table namers (me and the uneaten chicken leg in the fridge) are wondering why Russia is so special that they get table names in their honor.

One table I observed had a significant amount of chat in a language I don't understand and a trip to Google tells me that this was really Russian.

Again, why not a China table? Madagascar? United States of kiss my ass? (movie reference - score three points if you know it.)

Paraguay? Uruguay? Mexico? France? Germany? England? Brazil? Canada? San Marino?

All but one of those are major countries tha deserve some attention. (Canada - yeah, right.)

For now I can duplicate this every day. And this is evidence of not real humans playing other than a new Russian admin creating tables for him/her to play on when bored out of their mind because your job is to maintain a semblence of reality in an industry that is crumbling - Internet poker.

From (Or To) Russia With Love

2012-01-21T06:58:00.001-05:00

Not being a racist other than my deep seated hatred of Canadian banana farmers I feel free to post this.

Russians deserve to get cheated as much as the rest of the world, they did their part in WWII and helped make me the paranoid hiding under the covers non-cronfrontational person that I am.

So, as I go looking for a fun and relaxing game of cards I see that on the completely random (sarcasm) site of PokerStars there are randomly named tables on huge waiting list games named "Russia".

Mostly the table names are nonsense like Adulea, Craplist, Geotini and Howda. Yet running at the same time are two tables named Russia.

These are public, not private. Anyone with the stupidity to join the wait list can lose their chips at these. It's not like some Russian poker club got together and decided to play a game with the poker club in the city two miles away.

So let's talk a little math here. Table names are random and there are a stable of names available. The stable includes country names. I haven't seen a table named Mexico, yet. Or Australia. Or Yemen. Or Indonesia.

Yet here are two Russian tables.

Note to self - stock up on Vodka.

Not Going All In

2012-01-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

You know I hate being repetitive. So let me throw something a bit different out there.

Peanut Butter Ice Cream is rigged. They tell you that it tastes like real peanut butter, but it's not even made of real peanuts. It's synthetic esters masquerading as peanut flavor.

Now, I have license to repeat.

For the FOURTH time in this sitter I watched as a short stacked person called a big raise leaving themselves with basically one blind, losing and then muddling on to the next hand.

Sure doesn't seem like real and caring about the game play to me. Caution, naughty and repetitive word coming up.

When faced with a table full of players with stacks over a thousand and you think your 5 chips is going to magically grow into something that makes you a player on the final table and go on to place in the top four for a payoff - well, there's some great swap land near Clearwater Florida I would love to sell you.

More Math

2012-01-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

Mathematically challenged people should not read this, so get back to your malt liquor, turn on the stupidest crap on TV you can find and just forget that Internet Poker exists.

Now the rest of you, both of you - think back to last week when I reported that the new wave of insanity in PokerStars was huge waiting lists, apparently 32 max, supporting some insane chip stacks that would have ordinarily taken 6 hours to fill under optimum conditions.

This table beats that one like a dirty rug. The basics of the equation are the same. Two spots have over a million chips. Two other spots have a combined million. So, I get to use the same 3 million table total as I did last week. Now here's the kicker. Instead of 100/200 blinds and a max buy in of 40k, this is 25/50 with a 10k buy in.

Take your math hats off. They look silly and if you are with me to this point you don't need them. Last weeks post came to an irrational, yet generous to PokerStars conclusion that it would take more than six hours for a table to reach the state it was at. The math here - 40k buy-in vs 10k buy-in= multiply by four. 3 million chips multiplied by four is essentially the same game where the leaders have a total of 12 million chips among them. Six hours multiplied by 24 hours, generously dropping the fraction equals

If it's real people this table took a day to develop into the state it's at. This is some serious bullshit. And it goes on every day as PokerStars keeps chugging along to their bogus 100 billion hands dealt.

Nicknames for Poker Douchebags

2012-01-18T20:56:00.000-05:00

Duecebag
Threebleminded
Fourskin
Highonmethfive
Sixoffender
Eightsomethingbad
Tenderfoot
Jackwipe
Kingofallbuttheads
Acehole

When these start to appear I will be invoking my copyright.

Etiquette

2012-01-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

Let's assume I'm wrong (which I'm not) and this artificial intelligence thing I've been talking up is way off base. If that's the case the entire population of PokerStars is made up of two year olds with no sense of decency. After newfie timed down to the fourteen second warning every time in the first few hands I've decided to post about the etiquette these "people" lack.

There are tools out there to speed the game along. And they work better than posting "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" in chat. The target never pays attention to that. What must be done is a post in chat about the tiny little check box near the lower right corner. Fold.

Well it may be an insult to your personliness (real word to avoid insulting the other gender than mine), but when you get 7-3 offsuit you should realize the hand is going nowhere, click on the box, scratch the dog behind the ears, glance at the CSI rerun and wait for the rest of the table to get to the next hand.

It's really that simple. When it's your turn to play do you really need 45 seconds to fold a big bet when you have crap? Is there some book I don't know about that ignores the math of the cards and that playing slow is the way to win?

(Note: visit Amazon.com and search for poker strategy books on playing like a douchebag as a means to win.)

Defending the Intrgrity of Internet Poker

2012-01-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

Google Internet poker is rigged. The top hits simply blow it off. Can't happen. Secondary hits, some clueless to the rigged nature of the game got cheated and flamed out.

What separates The Big Laydown from the other critics is investigating things outside the play of the cards. For example tonight I started to observe a table with a 32 player waiting list and the top spot was pusing towards 2 million and they bailed as soon as I looked in.

This is not an actio indicative of real people. You magically disappeared as I was about to collect my evidence.

I clicked on some of those Google links I presented here, and one of the refutatios was that you don't have a statiscal database big enough to prove that things are werdilical (real word).

Well I do. My personal lack of dog, girlfriend or Woeld of Warcraft life has my personal database on free money tables well over 500,000 hands.

Dig deeper into previous posts here. Blackjack players on Ultimate/Absolute hitting on a hard 19 and drawing a 2. Freckledmom. Race table with a 40,000 buy in and someone is pushing 4 million.

The math is seriously fucked up and to this day I still haven't received a cease and desist notice while I post these extrelemically (real word) damnifical (real word) screenshots.

Not
Real
People

The Xenu Story

2012-01-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

Time for some non-poker related info and what makes me "tick." There is a tie in between Internet poker and Scientology for me. I heard of Scientology decades ago and just passed it off as a bunch of nut jobs in a godless religion that loved to sue people at the drop of an Ace of Spades.

One of my female co-workers was gifted a subsription to Maxim magazine, and realizing that I am a male she decided to gift it to me. The second or third issue came in and there was an article about Anonymous vs. Scientology. Anonymous, as you should know by now unless you've been hiding under an Internet rock is a leaderless group of hackers that did what I did after I read that article.

No "religion" on the planet is more expensive than Scientology. They have gotten away with numerous human rights violations and destroyed thousand of lives. Other than poker nothing in my life has occupied more time on the Net than investigating the crimes of Scientology. Because just like Nigerian princes, for some reason I really, really hate the fraud.

Now, this chap asking if I was a Scientologist in the chat was off base. Low level Scientologists aren't supposed to know about the Xenu story because (I'm not making this up) they will die of pneumonia if they aren't ready for it.

The South Park episode from season 11 "Trapped in the Closet" is much more entertaing, but I will recap it here.

Xenu, the evil intergalactic overlord, had a huge overpopulation problem. He tricked billions of citizens into thinking they were having tax audits done. He froze them and transported them to Earth (aka Teegeak) in spaceships that looked like airplanes.

He then dropped them in the volcanoes of Earth, and if that wasn't bad enough he blew them up with nuclear weapons. This released their spirits into the sky. Sensing serious repercussions Xenu trapped them with giant floating soul catchers. Then he pu them in giant movie theaters and like Malcolm McDowell he forced them to watch videos of a false reality. Jesus, 1970's sitcoms and Tostino's pizza rolls - don't exist.

Time out. I'm really, reall not making this up. When you have a "religion" founded by a hack science fiction writer, this is what you get. Although I did take some artistic license with the Tostinos line.

These reprogrammed spirits called thetans floated around mindlessly until man finally evolved from clams.

Time out. I'm not making that up either. Clams.

And these are all the cause of every problem on this planet. You didn't get sick, you had a bad thetan. You didn't crash your car ny yourself, you had a bad thetan. You get rid of your bad thetans by auditing, an expensive Scientology process.

Xenu was eventually captured and imprisoned in a mountain with an eternal battery to power the jail cell so he can't escape. But he's not dead.

And now the point. Whether it's poker or Scientology, don't begin to try and insult my intelligence. I'm basically a nice guy until you raise my hackles with fairly obvious bullshit.

The 360 Player Game That Will Never Start

2012-01-14T02:35:00.000-05:00

In my medium size chip range of games there's always a 15k buy in 360 player tournament. And based on the activity it looks like it will start last week sometime. The plutonium from the Libyans has been procured and the necessary gigawatts are in place, so as time goes on (backwards) the table will finally be filled.

In the meantime there are 40 people stuck constantly online doing nothing but waiting for a game that will never start.

Collecting Evidence Without Playing

2012-01-12T20:48:00.000-05:00

As long as PokerStars keeps offering more than a dozen tables with a double digit waiting list I will be able to duplicate this forever.

Tonight's target was the Albanian poker master arantalib, who I moticed has also masterfully mixed in the letters of "ALBANIA" into his screen name. My Calculatron Word Processor 305XS150 (Microsoft notebad) also tells me that there is a T and an R thrown in their for good measure and that it is at least 61.3% likely that it stands for "Tournament Ruler."

Scanning through the tables with the massive waiting lists he(it) had the most chips of anyone. Almost 2 million. And the table has four other positions that have a combined more than 1 million.

Now take a break from reading and put on your math caps. Are they on? Good. Let's proceed.

Now, let's be generous and assume optimum conditions for the five leaders. They don't get involved in hands versus each other. They only feed on the waiting list arrivals. This is a 40k buy in game and re-buys are also 40k. Let's round down the leaders chip total to 3 million even for ease of calculation. 3 million / 40,000 per victim is a net increase of beating 750 all-ins.

Now observe that there are some 8 second warnings out there and some time bank usage. It's not the fastest game out there. Let's be generous and assume one hand finishes every 30 seconds. And that is WAY too generous. 750 wins/ 320 minutes = 6.25 hours for this table to reach this state.

Am I really supposed to believe that someone is going to invest damn near half of their waking day to playing a free money game? No way. The sole (or actually soulless) reason for yje existence of these tables is so that the software can log in another hand played in the push for 100 billion.

And in my 45 minute observation Aran (can I call you that? Arie? Armesiter? The Arminator? Little Aran?) actually played like pretty much a donk. Raise big on the turn. Then bluff on the river by making a smaller bet on the river. Folding after every call was presented with a big bet. Only won a single hand during my 45 minutes and when I bugged out had something like 1,725,000 chips,

Take your math caps off now, watch a movie, service the significant other, pet the dog, drink a beer and do anything but join those waiting lists.

Joran van der Sloot Gets Away With Murder - Sort of

2012-01-11T20:19:00.000-05:00

LIMA, Peru – Joran van der Sloot pleaded guilty in a Peruvian court Wednesday to killing a young woman in Lima in 2010, clearing the way for him to be sentenced Friday morning.

Prosecutors are seeking 30 years in prison for the 24-year-old Dutchman, who is also the prime suspect in the disappearance of American teen Natalee Holloway in Aruba in 2005.

Wearing a light blue, untucked shirt and blue jeans, van der Sloot fidgeted and twiddled his thumbs as he waited for the start of the court session, which was delayed by his lawyer's late arrival.

"Yes, he said, standing at a microphone, "I want to accept the anticipated conclusion and as I was thinking from the first moment always to give my sincere confession," FOX News Channel reported.

"I am truly very sorry for what I have done. I feel very bad."

After van der Sloot entered his plea, his lawyer made a statement in court, saying his client suffered from post traumatic stress disorder due to his father's death and to his treatment after Holloway's disappearance – which he referred to as the "other occurrence that he did not commit."

The prosecution objected that Holloway's disappearance was not the subject of van der Sloot's current appearance.

The court was then adjourned until 10:00am local time Friday, when van der Sloot will be sentenced.

It was the second court appearance for van der Sloot in the death of 21-year-old Stephany Flores, who was found beaten and strangled in his Lima hotel room. She died five years to the day after Holloway's disappearance.

Last Friday, van der Sloot told the three female judges he wanted to make a "sincere confession" but needed more time, prompting Judge Victoria Montoya to adjourn the case until Wednesday.

Admitting guilt allows van der Sloot to qualify for an "early termination" of his case, which comes with benefits under Peruvian law such as a reduced sentence and authorized leave from prison.

If he had denied the charges, he would have gone through a legal process that could have left him subject to potential life imprisonment.

Van der Sloot's attorney estimated several days ago that his client could have his sentence reduced by 15 years with a guilty plea.

"That's absurd," said Edward Alvarez, lawyer for the family of the victim, who added a reduced sentence is "at the discretion of the court." He also said it was unlikely van der Sloot would get prison privileges because examinations had determined he was a "psychopath."

Van der Sloot had initially pleaded guilty to killing Flores but later claimed his confession had been coerced.

He had said he strangled her in a burst of rage after she accessed files about Holloway on his computer.

After Flores' death, van der Sloot fled Peru for Chile, but was arrested there several days later and sent back to face trial.

He was twice arrested in the Holloway case and spent three months in jail but never was formally charged in her disappearance.

The body of Holloway, who was 18 when she vanished in 2005, never has been found.

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I had fortunately forgotten about this sleazebag a long time ago, but now I remember since he did the magnanimous gesture of offering his sincere confession and is about to be sentenced.

If I remember correctly this guy's job was a professional poker player. And he appeared to have some sense of entitlement that made him think that this made him better than the rest of us because of it.

This is another example of what's wrong with the world in general. I got my kicks killing a girl in Aruba and getting away with it. Now, I'm in a casino in Lima and I just can't help but try for that rush again.

He should be put behind bars for 30 years, but Peru has this bizarre law that if you publicly confess then they will be more lenient on the jail term. The weakness of this law (shame on you Peru) is that it's way to easy for the lawyer and perp to make the so-called serious confession when they've got you dead to rights and knock decades off the sentence.

And I also see Casey Anthony now claims her daughter that pretty much everyone know she killed because she was cramping her style was the byproduct of date rape.

Excuse my while I go kill my neighbors for letting their dog poop on my lawn. My lawyer and psychiatrist tell me I can get away with it because I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Changing Your Account Information

2012-01-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

Yes, I giggled like a school girl when I saw this. If you think about this it doesn't make any sense.

You've gone through the strenuous registration process. You've loaded the software and validated your account. You've given them your birthdate, ostensibly to verify that you are allowed to play for real money.

I guess the thought is that after weeks go by you realize you put the wrong date in. Or maybe they have a coupon promotion for Chippie Cheeses Pizza that you get a free piece of cake on your birthday and you really like cake so you want to change it. Or maybe you feel guilty for lying the first time. (Anna. You are NOT 29. Live with it.)

If you can register with a birthdate and then change it this effectively changes the necessity of the field to zero. As far as gambling for real money and being of legal age this could easily be done by a checkbox stating "By clicking on this box I admit I'm old enough to gamble for real money. Harsh penalties including decapitation, drawing and quartering, wedgies and termination of your account will apply if we find out you lied."

Alas this field only gives Chippie Cheese birthday promo scammers a chance to keep getting a piece of free cake virtually every day of the year. And that's something that is seriously wrong with this world we live in because the pizza is terrible, the games are rigged - the only way to win a stuffed animal at the claw machine is to go all in and just drop it and pray. No skill can help you. The only toppings on the pizza are Spam in your email and bad beets. And the hostesses are fat play money cash cows.

Hold'Em Waiting lists

2012-01-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Really? Are you serious? There are something like 500 people on the waiting list for Texas Hold'em play money 100/200 no limit. This game must be seriously cool. Like...a Michelle Bachman sound byte kind of cool. Like...a Rebecca Black YouTube video kind of cool that people will wait in line for hours to get their chance to play against *two* positions with a million chips. The obvious explanation is that these two million chip leaders ARE Bachman and Black.

Our PokerStars has created bogus losers in the push to 100 billion hands. Nah. Can't be that.

Last time I checked the math the time commitment that it would take is bad enough alone. But the serious lack of skill of the losers to amass 40,000 chips (plus multiple rebuys) and then feed the big stacks - after waiting in line for hours is approaching epic proportions.

I don't want to do this math. It takes too long. But for my fans I will do it one last time....
...thinking....
...thinking....
...stil thinking...

OK, seven seconds. Math still doesn't work.

PokerStars, you owe me seven seconds of my life back. I don't know how I'm going to get it. I don't know when or where. But the next time you are in a dark alley after visiting the time bank and you hear a strange noise in the shadows, be prepared.

It might be me.

Biggest Waiting List I've Ever Seen

2012-01-09T20:42:00.000-05:00

One of my tricks that surprisingly still works to this day even though it's about a decade old by now is to simply search for the biggest waiting list. The twist tonight was that it was Hold'em instead of Omaha Hi Lo. But it's still the same bullshit. It starts with one player having way too many chips. Two players with an unreasonable amount of chips and a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong succession of players that just can't wait to lose. As a special bonus in half an hour there was all the way 4 characters of chat posted and the play was slower than watching paint dry.

Again, not something real people would subject themselves to.

360 player tournament

2012-01-09T20:31:00.000-05:00

I've been asked several times.

OK I lied. I've never been asked, but I imagine a question coming up. "Hey, Big Laydown guy, how does PokerStars do it? How do millions of hands get dealt in a day? And why is Kim Jomg Il dead? It's so unfair!"

You've heard the answer hundreds of times before here. And often I just don't feel like getting cheated so I just look up some tables that seem to have a decent chance of being bogus and watch. And learn. I had two of them running concurrently tonight.

Wow, this 360 player game before it starts looks to be pretty unpopular. Two players added to the registration every 15 minutes. Hmm....at this pace it will fill up in....multiply by the cosecant...carry the one...divide by Pi oh like maybe next week. Yet a lot of the same "players" are still waiting for the game to start. And a game with 360 players at tables of nine is good for another couple of hours. I imagine medical equipment set to wake someone up with a shot of adrenaline when the game finally starts. Because those free money chips can be traded in for health care credits to keep you going on your free money poker addiction.

Or maybe aren't a real person. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Sarcasm intentional.

The Ball is in Your Court

2012-01-08T08:13:00.000-05:00

Full Tilt is still down. Absolute/Ultimate refuses to allow me access. PokerFrauds is out there somewhere chugging along with their bogus billions of hands project that they have going on.

And while this is going on people continue to play and not recognize that there are new Jarah pics?!?

Guiness World Records

2012-01-07T07:59:00.000-05:00

If a person decides to go online and talk about the obvious cheating in Internet poker you are met with a bunch of top hits about how the players were chumps. After 15 years of muddling through extreme bullshit I took it up a notch.

I emailed Guiness and didn't get a lifetime supply of free beer. And they basicallhy said your half million hands, 15 years don't mean anything to our investigative standards on something that can be proven.

Proven like Potripper. Proven like Freckled Mom. Proven my fucking ass.

Oh the Humanity (or lack of it)

2012-01-07T07:39:00.000-05:00

I tryses (real word) to be a good person. Lots of times I don't know why If I go to bed early the assholes next door wake me up. If I donate to a charity they send me a letter asking for more.

Trying to forget about life for awhile I decide to play poker. Surely this will bring Xenu some happiness. Speciallifcally if he finishes in the money.

It didn't happen. I'm still pissed off.

Play for over an hour and the best the largest poker site on the Internet can muster is five characters Hello? From the ultimate winner when I get to the final table.

Translation - Congrats for making it through our rigged AI. It's just me and you and I'm going to kill you. Have a nice day.

Still waiting for some Asian Competition

2012-01-01T21:28:00.000-05:00

Because AI sucks.

Still No Asians

2012-01-01T06:29:00.000-05:00

Seriously guys and gals, get with the program. You really haven't lived until you have been cheated at Internet poker.

Like I said, I can duplicate this every single day. There's more people playing from Uruguay(1) than the entire population of all of Asia.

Bullshit

Looking For Asians

2011-12-31T13:02:00.000-05:00

First off, as an admission of guilt I did see one player from the Phillipenes with the creative username of "Manila Guy".

Most of these screen shots were taken early morning EST. Where one might think that Asian players looking for a relaxing game of cards would pop up into.

No racial prejudice here. But you can find more Australians online at PokerStars than in all of Asia combined. This post is about statiscally anomalies, not racism. Even though I frigging hate every single person I've met from Antarctica. Buy a sled dog and leave me alone bitch.

The point is...I can do this virtually every day. For now at least. Every single table is filled by non0-Asian players.

At least until PokerStars fixzes the bug in the registration program.

Poker Cheat Programs (aka the Other Virgin PC)

2011-12-31T06:15:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmu7Xi4jS-o&feature=related

Nice computer. Good computer. Good boy! Let's go for a walk! Have a computer biscuit! Now, leave me alone why I play around on Youtube.

And I find that there is at least one program that allows you to hunt down fish to fry. My computer is not into fish. It's more of a steak and baked potato with way too much butter kind of a guy. Food, computer treats(electrons bought from Atomicsmart) and

Not being stupid enough to load the software from a poker site.

Let me tell you a story. 10 year old computer with lack of electrons and I uninstalled PokerStars. They were extremely generous by telling me that when I tried to reinstall and play a fun and free game of poker that only one account was allowed per computer.

In other words - my computer's registry is fucked.

If PokerStars paid me $1,000 for the cost of this new and hopefully secure PC I might consider loading their crap onto it, but I doubt it. That's why I played Hearts for an hour and a half before getting onto the blog.

As for the cheat program: It doesn't explain why the cheating goes on at the free money tables. If you can cheat at real money, why the fuck are you wasting your time being annoying to me?

The Virgin PC

2011-12-29T08:41:00.004-05:00

I find it strange, curious, weird and just plain stupid that I can boot up a new PC and try to register on PokerFrauds and I get to choose "United States" from the drop down list, while in the meantime the PC that has been abused by hackers for years it's just not an option.

It's not at the bottom of the screen. It's not at the top. It's not correctly listed alphabetically. It's just gone.

And if you think for more than 7 seconds that I had the dedication to photoshop this then you are seriously delusional.

Let me splain (real word) it to ya (also a real word). It's not just about the cards. It's not just about sordid affairs involving a toaster oven, lots of cream cheese, shaven body parts and ruined relationships. It's keeping you online and interested.

If you are a glutton for punishment search out Bruce's Paranormal Deathmatch or Dominion. Rule changes made to make it impossible to win without a huge time investment. Which didn't exist before. And then you can steal your Mom's credit card and get back on your unsecure PC and two weeks later Mom has pounded a bottle of tequila, left you and Dad, truncated countless of verbs and some other stuff too scary for me to report on. (Jerry Sandusky joke - too easy)

A sign of the times- I'm more worried about a game site that's supposedly fun and free before I'm worried about Googling "naked Asian hotties".

The Poker Lords Prayer

2011-12-28T18:23:00.000-05:00

The Poker Lords Prayer

Our robber, who art in Costa Rica,
Rigged be thy site.
Thy bad beats come
My chips be won
Online as they aren't offline.
Give me this day one damn win
and forget I have the best hand,
as the worst hand wins against me again.
And lead me not into false hope
And deliver Aces from Deuces.
For thine is the "random"
and the power
and the ripoff
forever and ever.
Amen.

Courtesy of stinkingcoll.com/poker-sucks

Not sure when this was posted but in general the site seems to not be one of the dumb ass lame defenses that are in the first page when you Google "Internet poker is rigged." Keep up the good work guys.

2011-12-26T13:30:00.001-05:00

Not real people.

Feckled Mom

2011-12-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

Not a typo

A reminder. When one comes into play versus a player that has a simple dictionary word you are in for a lot of pain.

Dauntless. Let's see how many bogus regs I can get

That Explains Everything

2011-12-26T07:11:00.000-05:00

You can buy play money chips with real money! And you can turn play money chips into real money!

It's like pork bellies on the commodities market with the fun of going all in every hand!

Enjoy your Ponzi scheme losers.

A Million Chips

2011-12-26T06:10:00.000-05:00

The huge time investment, dedication and skill required to reach this lofty goal on the free money tables is mind boggling. Yet, every single day you can find an Omaha Hi-Lo table on PokerStars that has more than one. And you can find a player that's at more than one table. And you can find a player that can't be found. Yes, I'm aware of the contradiction.

Simply put, there are "people" that don't have to care and play with skill. Just push the chips all in. Every single hand.

Asian Poker Players

2011-12-25T13:25:00.000-05:00

In what seems like 15 years - probably because it has been 15 years - I've played a pretty insane amount of poker on the Internet. Over half a million hands worth. That's lots of beers and ignoring the dogs time. (Animal lovers take note: When I wasn't ignoring them the dogs were spoiled rotten.

I continue to play 18 player Hold'em games on PokerStars because theycontinue to be completely unreasonable. And I've been saving this little stadstical gem in one of the darkest corners of my mind (the corner that enjoys Dexter and Carpenters sons).

Let me back up and approach this explanation from a slightly different angle. As you sit when you re about to start a game you get a minute before the game starts. Last pee break, smoke a cigarette, get a fresh beer. Whatever. As you can any time during the game you can hover your cursor over the avatars of your opponents which lets you see what country they are supposedly from. I use that minute to review the countries.

It's no secret that I have a preoccupation with Asian women. It's no big secret that some very fine poker players are Asian. Scottie Nguyen, Johnny Chan and that third hottie pictured here is Maria Ho. In years of play, thousands of tables I can't specifically remembering that I ever playing against someone that was from an Asian country. I have a vague memory of one time that there was someone from Japan.

So there you have it. Maybe one person from Japan. Maybe no Asian opponents. I'm pretty sure that they are on the drop down list to select from. But I'm not going gto check. There's no way any poker site's files are getting loaded on to this new PC. I have an old PC that has nothing but PokerStars on it. Hack away.

Mind you now, I have played at what would be considered some pretty odd times for someone living in EST. In fact one of the litmus tests for proving that a site is bogus is their reaction when I deliberately alter my schedule to be awake clean and sober at 2:30 in the morning. The really weird shit starts then.

It's all the United States and Europe and an occasional Russian. Yes, technically Russia is an Asian nation. Just not the toasty golden skinned kind that we all love.

I fully expect to be bombarded with a crap load of Asian opponents after this post. PokerStars does seem to adjust for the mistakes I've posted here. Too late though. It should have happened ages ago if they were on the up and up.

On a side note. Instead of displaying the country of origin, years ago it used to be the City. Why the change?

How about - it was too much work to think of different city names to have bogusly created AI positions to churn out billions of hands playing computer versus computer.

Offaqme With a Spoon

2011-12-24T06:42:00.000-05:00

For the time being I can still buy in to some non-baby tables. And this might not last too much longer as the tried and true not random cards bullshit has been rampant.

Let's look at a little bit of history. At one time, for months on end, players would sit out for no good reason. PokerFrauds has a friendly upgrade and players don't sit out but take an annoyingly long time to make a simple fold. Another upgrade and there is someone making a huge pre-flop bet on every single hand.

Translation - the program was changed.

But, as the foremost critic on the planet I do get a little bit of special love. Cyndi562 hand jobs are....er....(kleenex please)

What I meant to say was something about the lack of humanity to even play. You log in. Decide that free money poker is what you want to do with your life. Create an account with a vulgar name that shouldn't be allowed, acquire enough chips to be annoying on a game that real people might bounce into.

In addition to the millions of dollars that have been cheated PokerFrauds - with all their billions of dollars - can't take out a simple and obvious joke position who is named basically, "Oh, fuck you too."

And it's because they created them.

70 billion hands my fucking ass.

Brent Beckley Pleads Guilty

2011-12-21T12:19:00.001-05:00

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2011/12/20/bloomberg_articlesLWII0C0D9L35.DTL

Well it's about freaking time something happened in this case.

For those that want an abridged version:

Brent was responsible for setting up the fictitious websites that Absolute Poker used to receive Internet gambling funds illegally. Allegedly selling merchandise (jewelry, pet supplies, snuggies etc...) the money was deposited into Absolutes bank accounts so US players could bypass the 2006 law. And back in April of this year they got caught redhanded.

I did a little poking around and I found an article that showed his money laundering crimes carried a maximum sentence of 30 years. Instead he's going to skate after one to one and a half. And I think that's beautiful. No, I'm not a Brent fan. I have watched enough episodes of Law and Order to know that this means he pleas to a lesser sentence and testifies against the other nimrods involved.

On a humorous side note I see that Brent has been living in Costa Rica for the past several years. Hey, Dumb Ass, why didn't you stay in Costa Rica instead of setting foot somewhere you could get arrested?

In the meantime PokerStars keeps chugging out a billion bogus hands every couple of weeks. Can they reach 100 billion hands before they get shut down?

Tables

2011-12-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

A weird and wild assumption is that a game site with multiple seating options would only make up as many tables as could be reasonably populated by real people. This is certainly not the case with PokerStars.

I purplisticly (real word) loogged in to the high buy in games and didn't play a single hand.

Triple Draw lowball. Razz. And there is some fucking douchebag that is there at the table when major amounts of free money chips are needed to take a seat. The table is not starting until a bunch of other bohus AI sits there.

And----no Asian women play? Seriously. It's just too weird.

Number of Players

2011-12-17T08:33:00.000-05:00

A typical log in for me has more than 200k players. A weird log in produces 70k.

With the United States in lockdown I would think that maybe the more realistic numbers would be at Eurpeon or Asian time. But AI is till set to be annoying at US eastern time.

PokerStars Push to 100 Billion Bogus Hands

2011-12-17T08:21:00.000-05:00

This question has come up several times in the past couple of years. "Hey, Big lay Down Guy, if you're not right then why is the site so cool that everyone wants to play on it?

Me and my crack team of insomniacs and people holding down two jobs to make a living and two year olds who haven't got a clue have an explanation.

Surpisingly, just like Jerry Sandusky claiming innocence and Kim Kardashian being involved in a real relationship it's not for real.

The mistakes just keep piling up. Some of them are blatantly in your face obvious. Others are a bit more subtle. But I only get to play in something that looks like reasonable poker like maybe two times a week. Which I don't mind because, well, if you're a reader of this blog the bullshit is all what I'm about.

PokerStars aka PokerFrauds did this to me(unrelated to the screen shots. This guy has logged into 2k Razz game and starts talking about how he has to leave to pick up his dog and that he was playing this meaningless table from work. Regardless of the cover story it was no surprise that this was an excuse to raise like a fucking idiot.

And this is how PokerStars will get their billions of hands records.

Player not found on the same table I'm at. Gotcha. You're so good at Razz you don't want people to find you, so you block it. And you still manage to bump into someone you know and can chat with. And after a flurry of active discussion when it comes time for the real human to decide whther it's time to go to sleep the chat has dryed up faster than a menopausal nun.

(No nuns were harmed in the posting of this.)

As the nuns sit at this table and hide their being logged in for an excuse to raise like a fucking idiot I contemplate on how when I burn in hell I'll at least never had to pretnd that I'm a real person.

Pedro, Pedro, Pedro

2011-12-05T17:11:00.000-05:00

Shame on you. You ticked me off enough that I ended my almost month long vacation from blogging.

PokerStars continues to go stomping through the world of artificial intelligence playing against artificial intelligence to rack up billions of hands in a few months.

And the continue to show that even the most basic math skills are something they haven't mastered yet. By the time I got to the two screenshots of Pedro here he had already racked up five bad beat eliminations of another player by a bad beat on the river. The odds of this are something like one in,well, it's a really big number with lots of zeroes before the decimal point.

I also thought ya'll might be jonesing for a picture of a hot Asian chick, so here you go.

Happy Birthday/Anniversary

2011-11-08T20:43:00.000-05:00

As a reminder, I've said this many times before, so far there hasn't been a decent rebuttal posted about my comments. I hate being repetitive, but as the card play tonight was the usual humdrum non-random crapola I will have to hate being repetitive.

If you Google "Internet Poker is Rigged" you do get one top hit from this pro -

http://www.onlinepoker.net/poker-news/general-poker-news/online-poker-rigged-wsop-winner/6801

Other than this the top hits are loads of bullshit defending the sites on how it's simply a matter of the low quality of cardplay by the angry, frustrated, drunken and repetitive poster. Since I hate being repetitive I will not use the word repetitive or any variant such as 'repeat' again. It's to easy. And as homage to my ex-girlfriend Rhea Pete it would be rude to repeat such repetition. Especially since I've repeatedly down it so many repetitive times.

Jumping back to the first paragraph - I don't want to just think that what separates the Big Laydown from the other poker blogs, both pro and con, is that instead of the card play my focus has shifted to the lack of humanity. Basically, when sitting at a nine player S&G you can expect that at best you're playing against 7 pieces of AI and one admin in control of the table. Since the admins get to toglle cheat mode and are bored out of their skull a real human is a pleasant distraction. And in general since they have limited actual card skill, they do stupid shit like break the time bank rules, post naughty words in chat that don't get ****'ed out.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, you are to the South of me and pretty much on a weekly basis at the minimum I get the joy of playing against someone with home court advantage that can- and does- break the simple rules.

The explanation for this can't simply be that they want to read here what they did wrong (although it does give them the chance to make changes and cheat better.) It can't simply be fear of computer viruses by visiting dangerous websites mpicking up pictures of Asian hotties.

My personal opinion is that the daily coursem of the job has just become too repetive, and repeating the repition has repeatedly repeated the mundane repition and while trying to suck the last money out of real players before repeating Full Tilt's demise they repeatedly try and fail to struggle to make it look for real.

I can't repeat this mistake of giving real cash to poker sites. I never have and can't play for real money. I rpeat, it's not like I would. I've seen WAY too much repition of the annoying bad beats, non-random cards, infinite loops(explanation on this comment - another repitition reference) and avatrs of a tapir )which is close to a backward spelling of repeat I can think of on short notice.

Personally I thought I would have at least 20 million play chips on the big three sites by now, I would be hugely bored and move on to other topics that piss me off like the GOP nomination race and attention whore Kim Kardashian's wedding, but here I am still interested in busting on poker.

So this begs the question -

How much did Kim K. pay you to keep her off my radar? She's not Asian, so it must have been a lot.

Wild Mood Swings

2011-11-07T19:58:00.000-05:00

One minor eyebrow raised to report and one both eyebrows raised. On the two table screenshots - we have someone from Brazil that has named himself after the Chupacabra. More or less the Mexican Bigfoot, but smaller and with sharper teeth. Brazil is mostly a Portugese speaking nation. Just a little weird.

Now, Snutty biy was the real curiousity. He complained about the chap to his immediate left constantly preflop raising and called him an idiot. Forgetting that beforen this final table he did the same freaking thing himself.

Translation - AI plays until it gets boiled down to the final table. Admins who didn't know the personality of the AI (if AI can truly have a personality) takes over.

And this game had more bad beats than a videotape of Rodney King.

And the biggest surprise - somehow I managed a second place.

Lack of Competition in a Competitive Game

2011-11-04T21:53:00.000-04:00

The gang went out for lunch today at the Framers Market which has the smoking hot non-Asian vitamin selling girl that has captured my fancy. Personally, I think vitamins are way overrated. They only serve to keep you alive longer to get cheated at Internet poker.

The conversation switched to "Elyk Nosobh" and his competitive nature. (His real name is Kyle Hobson, but to protect him I have changed it here. No one but me will EVER know.)

Elyk, not his real name, related on how he was so competitive that while running to keep in shape he times himself trying to beat his best record.

Supposedly, from what I was last told when my Uncle took me for $4.23 of my hard earned newspaper route money that Internet poker is a competitive game. It's a level playing field with your brain and a little bit of luck versus a table (or two) against some other brains.

The zombie apocalypse has not eaten my brain yet, although the shotgun shells are running dangerously low. And Bruce Campbell hasn't returned a single phone call this week.

So I said to myself, "Self, clean the bathroom and reflect on all those things about Internet poker that show a lack of competition." After lunch I offered up to Kyle...er...this guy I know...the "I have to go" not sitting out because they really aren't serious about leaving. My zombie munched brain remembered one of the real raisans. (That should have been reasons, but zombies-brain tissue damage-I'm sure you understand.)

Now, with my brain at less than 30% capacity I still managed to dredge up something I vaguely remember from before. Zombies are slow. They don't race. OMFG! The race table!

I can duplicate this every day without losing a single rigged hand. Sure there's way too many chips on this table. The real key is that there's a huge waiting list of players so anxious to lose to the players alrerady seated.

Omaha Hi Lo is weird enough that your average poker junkie playing on free money games isn't going to have enough chips for the 40k buy in or want to put up with the all in bingo bullshit. So the AI just keeps get to chugging along despite the two year old chat. Which they probably cater to so that they don't get bored going all in every hand and get to pretend they have some skill. Court them and they might actually break open the checkbook.

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One thing I can confidently say other than that Scientology sucks - there is no competitive spirit. The play is dictated by those admins and AI that have the comfort zone of knowing they can't or don't care if they lose because of an infinite rigged chipstack.

The Hazard of Too Many Posts

2011-11-02T20:49:00.000-04:00

It's buried in here somwhere, but I can't find it. So I'll just relay the events as I remember them and the point.

My very first target was PokerStars. After being relatively unsuccesful at the poker while I built up my playing strength I coincidentally found a lot of tricks in regards to the lack of humanity. One of those was playing on the unpopular games, and to this day I pretty much hate Hold'em because of that.

Whilst (actually really is a real but antiquated word) looking for a table during PokerStars push for the 15th billion hand I found that those unpopulat tables were a breeding ground for new player registrations. Dave342 would reg, then unreg, then reg again. Bill628 would reg, then unreg and then reg again. And just for good measure and surprised at his luck for making it through registration Bill might do it two or more times. And whilst at the same table Dan463 shows up and does the same thing. And Kyle413, Janet76, Fred917, etc...

Well, I finally got the answer to this weirdness after putting 2+2 together and getting the correct mathematical result of a pair of twos suck in Hold'em and should immediately be folded(on Internet Poker, not necessarily in real life brick and mortar random card poker.)

Now, powder this in a mixing bowl, add a quart of water, a tablespoon of salt and mix it with the rind of the ever so friendly message about player sitting out are hurting their own chances.

This recipe yields thousands of players sitting out where the hand that they are dealt still counts towards being one of the current 69+ billion. Throw in a couple of vacuums in case a real and talented human accidentally makes the mistake of popping in and you can run these tables 24/7. Throw in an Admin like the guy a couple of nights ago who can post the word "ass" in chat when it should automatically be blocked to "***" and the non-regular player will never know that he's just playing a poorly programmed Xbox game.

Cute trick. Enjoy your Guinness records that are more hollow than a Taco Bell burrito versus the claims of how much meat it has.

Racial Profiling In Internet Poker

2011-11-01T20:42:00.000-04:00

There are several classes of Internet Poker players that get an undeserved bad reputation. The obvious one is the Asian Hotties. After 14 years+ of play me and my crack team of Asian hottie experts (me and the guys responsible for the "Pacific Rim Job" series) just don't understand it.

Next we have zombies. Sure, you had a great week with Halloween. But when you can't feast on human flesh and follow the zombie rules do you really have to be try and break down my door at two in the morning? And exactly how did you know I only had three shotgun shells left? Try and fucking explain THAT PokerStars!

The last class is the Internet poker zombies that had a massive brain meal and just keep chugging along and doing none human stupidity like, oh, well not going all in when the chip stack you are left with is existentially fucked. Do you really think that stack can get you back in the game?

My friends at AMC who produce "The Walking Dead" disagree with me. And after a $35.73 bribe they promise me there will be an Asian hottie zombie this season.

Ladies and Gentlemen

2011-10-30T08:10:00.000-04:00

I give to you the Eighth Wonder of the World. Poker sites offer unlimited chances to be cheated. Games that cannot possibly be populated by real humans are offered. Rejoice! Rejoice!

And watch as PokerStars continues their drive to bogus 70 billion hands.

Another Record for PokerStars

2011-10-28T20:51:00.001-04:00

http://www.rwsop.com/poker-news/guinness-book-of-world-records-identifies-poker-stars.html

Years ago back in this blog I talked about this from a rational and mathematical angle. Basically, the peak of Internet poker interest capped in the mid 2000's. At a time ESPN was showing final tables of huge tournaments. People were watching poker on TV instead of the Knicks losing. OK...bad example.

But as a species humans bore easily. Especially when not successful. I have the luxury of having been successful at pretty much everything I put my mind to. Memorized Pi to 115 decimal places, beat my brother at Super Mario Brothers after four months of practice after he had been playing for years and almost acheived a master rating at chess before poker took over my life.

The time dedication that goes into such ventures is substantial, especially considering that real life issues must be addressed. Eating, sleeping, feeding the dog, servicing the significant other even with a raging hangover, etc...

Now we have a bunch of poker shows on TV cancelled due to low ratings, the US market locked out from real money play and yet still PS can draw 150-200k players very interested in the poker as the source of their entertainment.

At the 15 billionth hand milestone the math didn't work, and the math is getting worse.

A few questions come to mind.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, did it really fall?

If a bear shits in the woods and nobody is there to smell it, did it really dump it?

If a poker hand is dealt online and there is no real human at the table to see it, does it really count towards a Guinness record milestone?

Of course it does. Guinness Records has obviously proved my math and experience wrong and that all the positions I thought were obviously AI were really just coked up poker addicts playing like two year olds. I mean, they must have had a way to seriously check out the reported numbers, right? Or maybe coked up two year olds playing like addicts. I don't remember exactly what I thought.

The good and the bad news about this. Since I'm wrong and the reader base of this blog is just for the hot Asian chicks we here at the Big Lay Down are planning our own celebration. There has been more than 750 pictures of hot Asian chicks posted here. No more pictures of Jarah other than this one tonight will be posted. The 1,000th Asian hottie pic will be of this goddess. The first person who posts a comment to the post will win an all expense paid trip to Hawaii for two and a $2,000 gift certificate for Ben and Jerry's ice cream. At the current pace this will be approximately February 2012.

Naughty Chat on Internet Poker

2011-10-27T20:05:00.004-04:00

This is a second attempt at what I attempted to post last night. Blogger let me down and didn't save the draft. I apologize for the repetitive talk about the main topic to my long time readers - both of you. The original post was far funnier than what was put up in a fit of disgust before going to bed.

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If the Adult content warning is not enough for you then let me add asuggestion here to read no further if naughty words insult you. And there is some racist humor here. Having the confidence of knowing I'm not a racist gives me a comfort zone of knowing it's for the comedic effect and not a serious hatred over races other than my own pathetic one. There is no doubt that many of my posts have some off-color humor, so don't take this one differently.

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The backdrop to this story is entering an unusaul for me (compared to recent history) 2k buy in 18 player Hold'em sit and go. I of course have been folding hands like crazy. Nothing exciting going on. Nothing to blog about. And then this gem dropped in my lap.

Unhappy at a bad beat our hero posts about his conqueror being a "lucky ass". There is a problem with this. Because PokerStars cares so much about the integrity of their site and doesn't want to pollute the minds of the many two year olds that play there, a system is in place to alter the chat to something tamer. Naughty words are replaced with *.

I find this amusing for two reasons. If someone posts in chat that someone else is a dumb mother ****** pretty much everyone knows what the banned word is anyway. And in this case the offending word is ass.

In the grand scheme of naughty word calling ass pretty ******* tame. It can't be any worse than my favorites - jackwipe, fartbump and Belgian (reminder - not racist, I love Belgians and your waffles - the way you switch sides you are on in an argument is hilarious. And they are funnier when you use Ben and Jerry's when you do it.)

After much pent up frustration I feel the need to get this off my chest. This is my therapy.

ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
Harold Camping ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass

That felt really good because if I try to post "ass" on PokerStars it gets *ed out.
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The conclusion is pretty simple. There are players that don't have to follow the rules. I call them "admins" and "Belgians" and occasionally "cheating ******* jackwipes.

And this is on a site that is supposed to be an interface for real people to play on. And I get cheated once every five years or so....no wait my Statotronic 3b5MATTEL8d (my Mattel football game) tells me that at this point it's pretty much every day.

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By the way, they're pumping up their 70 billionth hand celebration. If there wasn't rigged AI, would it even be 1 billion yet?

Okay Dumbass

2011-10-26T21:29:00.000-04:00

How do you explain how ordinary non- admins get the joy of posting naught language?

The Big Lay Down Mailbag

2011-10-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

I checked my PO box and was overwhelmed by the 3 letters I've received in the last 6 months. Surely this is a sign that I'm on to something.

Doug Marcell (not his real name to protect the innocent. Trust me Dan Parcell form Oakland California, I would never ruin that sacred trust with my readers. Your address of 4186B Vine Street and Social Security number of 938-27-4331 will be held in the strictest confidence.) sent a very touching note. Here's an excerpt of what Dan...er Doug had to say.

"I really don't care about the poker nonsense. It really doesn't matter that you seem to have proven time and again that there's a ton of suspicious and fraudulent activity at the tables. I like to whack at the Asiasn hotties. But, why no pictures of Malaysian girls? Are you like, prejudiced or something. Janie who sits in front of me in Algebra is from Malaysia and I would fold a pair of pocket aces faster than buttered cheetahs to have a shot with her."

Well Da...er...Doug at great personal expense of my money and valuable time I spent 7 hours...wait, I checked my clock...15 minutes getting Malaysian pics. Whack away.

Jarah M. from Hawaii writes, "You bastard. God I hate you. Damn I look good in that bikini!"

The last letter was co-signed by over 30 people.

"Dear Big Lay Down guy. We used to play for real money and even before the US Justice Department crack down we read your hilarious blog and realized that we were wasting our time. Thank you for saving my life."

Yes. In reality I have had over 30 mostly strong poker players acknowledge my evidence gathering campaign. I wish it was in the thousands, but more than 30 is a good start.

Vulgar Names -Think of the Children!

2011-10-21T14:10:00.000-04:00

As has been stated countless times before. Chips are a necessary evil. But since I'm not making any money on this as evidenced by my screenshot of blogspot not allowing me to monetize this due to adult content a few days ago, this is secondary. The prime goal is the constant and surprisingly often seeing things that don't make sense.

When this two table game started and granpa won the first three hands I already knew it was not for real. As my chips dwindled I considered my options. Bail and find something I know will be entertaining (which is normally the worst movie I can find on TV) or keep at it.

The decision was surprisngly easy. I already had "Dead and Breakfast" running as background noise. So, let's see what else is going on with PF. (Used to be referred to as PS or JS, longtime readers know.)

We had a lot of weird stuff here. The extremely short stacked with 125 chips player raising 120, like those 5 chips that were saved will allow a miracle comeback. Huge uses of time following other position's huge uses of time. A sitter waking up after it became obvious I was just folding to take fourth place in the money.

And someone from Spain posting the only chat in an hour and a half game that isn't really Spanish. Pretty sure there are no Spanish words,"q" "hya" and "tii".

But the main focus is the chap in the upper left corner. Not regarding his hands or chips at the table. But his mere existence.

Now, let's pretend for a minute that I'm right (which I know I am, but PS aka PF aka JS continues to deny.) Unlike this blog where I have voluntarily put a roadblock up for adult contenet - Warning Will Rogers! Danger! Semi-clad and even naked Asian women! - the caring and concerned about the integrity of the game staff at PS aka PF aka JS have allowed a player with the joke name that starts with "facu".

I shouldn't need to do this, but sound it out. Walk up to your bathroom mirror, look yourself in the eye and try and make this sound like anything but "Fuck you".

And, in addition to the theory that the screen name should have been denied outright or a friendly email from the caring and concerned staff at PS aka PF aka JS early on that it's not allowed, this position has managed to play long enough to get enough chips to buy into a 10k.

Facu. It's bullshit.

Let me Explain Myself in Regards to Internet Games

2011-10-20T21:03:00.000-04:00

Countless years ago for this 48 year old soon to be 49 I discovered what I thought was going to be a pleasant distraction, but it became too much like work.

Internet strategy games. And since I'm so competitive it worked.

But my competion factor in the computation of Internet fun made me suggest to myself that I was playing as the visitor on the home field. Any succes has had a price. And my best example is Sweden's Dominion. When I first started playing it was free. Years later it was still free, but if you wanted the edge you needed to buy a premium account. I've wasted enough money on lame computer disks thatmake me want to even ever consider Playing this game if I have to pay for it.

Dominion was my longest "free trial period" where they court you. Recognixe you understand the basics of math. And just when you think you might actually be one of the top people on the planet the rug is pulled out from under you.

"oh mighty Goblin, I love your joke name, but still I must kill you since you didn't pay me.

And the not created games with specific rules like chess, poker, Internet backammon, Internet spades. Planeterion, Bruce's Paranormal Deathmatch, Bruce's Chicken game, Orcwars, two girls one 2 liter of Mountain Dew, etc..'

Werll the Dominion thing burned out to Ai. Chess- playing AI. Dominion, Planetion every single posite - AI. Cops outside my door regarding Jarah stalking - paid the fine, Planetiorn. Ooops that' saved too

And here now, dazed at how I coninually met with pre-flop raises of 120k on hands that I wouldn't even cosider calling/ Oh, the confidence of AI betting on crap and/or knowing the outcome of the hand.

Inter Poker - is rigged. And now they are setting up to scam Full Tilt players, and I'll betcha

I just want to watch a movie.

Because as a real human with real options I don't need to monetize this blog.

Nope. Since you can't monetize a blog with asdult setting like dropping a shit, jackwipe, asshole or fbomb I'm at the mercy of some vindictive, talentless can rig the cards admin.

More Overcompensation

2011-10-19T20:45:00.001-04:00

Part of me didn't want to post tonight. Same old boring stuff. And I didn't collect any screenshots worthy of reporting. Strangely after a rough week at work I really just wanted a game of cards. And since Microsoft Hearts, Freecell which has made the claim that every game is potentially able to be won here I am at yet another PokerStars game.

Oh, who am I kidding comparing an interface for players to meet up and battle with programs known to be human vs. AI.

Any ordinary person can claim that they met up with a hugely weird run of cards. Personally, the lack of humanity has been far more enjoyable for me.

So tonight's report is about something suspicious but not too overt. And you peeps that don't play every day but chance upon a two table hold'em game on PokerStars should think of this.

Have you ever played a game where the chat was virtually non-existent until you made the final table and "people" just wouldn't shut up? On a high end buy in game? (10k or more.)

And this happened after two consecutive nights of updates that need to be loaded?

All of a sudden players have bonded, are exchanging email adresses, made some personal comments about their hobbies, played like idiots and after weeks of silence here I am in a table of people that won't shut up.

Full Tilt had me Worried

2011-10-18T20:24:00.000-04:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Full_Tilt_Poker

Wow. I called that one wrong. Instead of Full Tilt quietly slinking into extinction like an Allosuarus eating the last dodo and croaking because that was the last of the food supply, Full Tilt's status on wiki has changed from past tense to currently existing in all its cheating glory.

Yes, I know that dinosaurs and dodoes(sp?) didn't coexist except in L. Ron Hubbard's book - Battlefield Smurf. So don't even bother.

As an accountant by trade I familar with bhuyouts and the concept of "goodwill." Buy Kleenex - everyone knows Kleenex means tissues. Oh, those lovable snot wipers. I could go for mainlining two or three right now, but I can't find my damnded spoon and lighter.

Mr. multi-millionaire dude just bought a heaping pile of ill will. Having some sense of the screwed up legal system across the globe I'm now pretty sure that he's figured a way to avoid the previous to the buy lawsuits, hired Jack McCoy to be on the safe side and is all set for a product relaunch with an image change.

Remember, I only play on free money tables. And one would think that other than anger at the posts here there is very little obligation to cheat. However, AI does not sense this obligation not to cheat.

Tonight's fun included three raises by chip stacks that were existentially fucked and should have gone all in. Seriously - 10k buy in, you have 220k left and you raise 120. On a game that one can presume you had enough skill to buy into.

The slow play is still an amusing problem. I can fold an 82 offsuit instantly, yet my opponents have way too much girlfriend action, Ben and Jerry's consumption to do, and calling their sister about that plantar wart.

In the more than a decade - more than a fifth of my life I've been doing this I see reasonable real human like play about, oh, something like one in twenty-five tables/

Donations

2011-10-17T20:36:00.000-04:00

Well, the PokerStars juggernaut just keeps churning along. At least for this player. Obvious lack of randomness. Obvious lack of humanity Obvious lack of recognition of hot Asian women. I have no gone more than week without the hint of a single realistic table.

If you want to silence me, instead of cheating me send me an email threatening legal action Of course I might ignore it since the math is on my side. 170k players in the lobby when it's really only 5k. Biggest site on the planet.

Groupies - check back to my posts about when they were pushing for a milestone number of hands. You could log in and watch AI register, unregister, register, unregister, register again, finally leave. And yet another AI position pops up. This pattern repeated for several days and they ALL had innocuos names like Dave432, Ted106, Sam233, Phil538 and the Russianbaldeagle. Sorry. I still get a giggle on that nonsesne

Classic Internet Poker Stupidishness (real word)

2011-10-15T07:51:00.000-04:00

I continue to drop chips at an unbelievable rate while trying to win. It's too easy to bust on the non random cards. But as you all know by know my chip stack is a necessary evil while I investigate this not human but pretending to be human black hole.

What PokerStars apparently doesn't realize is that I really don't care about the chips too much. Sure, maybe winning a hand in once in a blue moon would be nice. But I have nuked my chip stack, restarted at their oh so generous 1k several times.

The bullshit on the high end tables and the bullshit on the baby tables is the same. As a reminder, if they are willing to cheat on free money games, why would you want to play for real money?

Ok, Russian guy, let me think this out. You're a real human being (timeout while I rofl) you've managed to get enough chips to buy in to a 25k table. And somewhere along the way you chose a picture to define yourself. Most people define themselves with a pic of girlfriends, pets, babies and death metal bands. And some strange and bizarre way you decided on one of the most iconic symbols of my country.

Bonus pics

2011-10-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

Just for the hell of it since there have been a couple of visitors from Hawaii lately.

Girls - YOU ROCK!

More Psychoanalysis From Dr. Fill

2011-10-14T20:31:00.000-04:00

A long two weeks ago I had 700k on PokerStars. I only have 235k left. Obviously I must suck if I can lose that much playing every day on at least 10k buy in tables. But, just with Lockpoker, you don't have to actually play to see something weird. I will admit that this is just in the "suspicious" as opposed to outright bogus category. But I've combined my massive crappy card streak, bad beats, high flops that don't match my 56 suited, low flops that don't match my AK, extremely aggressive betting and a personal hand history approaching 700k.

Sporty (can I cal you that?) was one of the chip leaders and with four cards on the creaking four board made a sizable raise on an inside straight draw. My brain screamed at me to fold, but I thought it really can't be this bad. Caught the four for the straight and I slunk in shame into my cardboard box since I lost the house thinking I could earn money at poker.

When I'm met with an obvious mathematical bad beat and I'm gone my typical reaction is to turn off the computer, throw a DVD into the player, start dinner and get ready to sleep for the night. Since this sitter finished so soon my split personality of Dr. Fill showed up.

Dr. Fill is notorious for calling hands that shouldn't be called. Like the AK of diamonds I folded instantly on this table. Internet poker is pretty sad when you are sure that this hand will lose and you're right. So Dr. Fill and his crack team of psychonalysts (Fill, my helper monkey and the ghost of my dead dog) did something different.

I observed the table hoping for some "player" commentary about my defeat. It didn't happen. Instead the chat became silent after a massive opening of semi-illegal non-English insane Spanish and Italian chat.

And Sporty has the arrogance to sit out immediatley after I am gone. It's not like he had the game in the bag. The finally table hadn't been reached yet, the blinds were big and he dropped a lot of money before he woke up.

To me this says - "I don't care about my chip stack. I elimanted the asshole critic. Time for a smoke break."

----------------------------------------------------------------

I miss True Yobbo. Because when I sat at 5 draw lowball I knew he would be there. I find it curious and suspicious that I can play the same 10k 2 table hold'em game for months and never meet against the same player twice. Dr. Fill thinks that everyone else wasting their time on Internet poker also has split personalities, multiple accounts and jet skis on lay-away at Sears.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

At least for me PokerStars is currently set on Impossible Mode. Thanks for making it obvious. Get back to me when you want to make the cards random and try and prove your player base knows how to play.

More Slow Play

2011-10-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

Since you are obviously skilled people with enough of a stack to buy in to a 10k tourney I have a helpful hint for you. (Again, sarcasm intended.)

There are these tiny little boxes in the lower right corner. And you can click on them when you have a crap hand like 7-2 offsuit and fold. Or automatically call a reasonable hand. Instead of waiting two hours these tiny little check marks can get you back to the business of not cheating real people.

Let Us Deconstruct this Homepage

2011-10-13T20:04:00.000-04:00

Lockpoker. Kinduva cool name. It's a lock that you will win. Give the marketing department big Christmas bonuses.

This baby popped up as a top choice on a Google search of Ultimate Bet. Now let me think about a few things I see wrong with this.

Oh, I see. UB filed for bankruptcy. That never crossed my radar sreen of poker related news. Maybe they unfiled or a rich uncle died. Or maybe Lock didn't hear about the merger with Absolute. Regardless the site is catering to those that used to play on UB and got fed up with the non-cheating play. (Sarcasm intended.)

Oh, I see. You've been hiding under a rock the past year and you haven't heard about the US crackdown on UB/Absolute and don't reference the fact that US players aren't allowed to play for real money any more. There are deposit bonuses of real money and the proclamation that this is a top US Poker Site.

You've done an admirable job of posting the old UB graphics and comparing yours to theirs. That will surely reel in two or three players. On the graphics that are used by CityPoker.

I don't have to play a single hand to know that thios site is bullshit.

The Juan Colo Incident

2011-10-11T20:00:00.002-04:00

The names of the offenders haver not been changed because they aren't innocent. Let's call this jackwipe Juancolo because that's the screen name he (it) presented it as. Instead of One Colo he would have been better named as Two Go Slo. This bullshit slow play is still infecting the PokerStars servers and the IT staff should address it before it spreads to other servers.

Like McCkean Virginia, Washington DC, and pretty much every capitol city in Europe I see when I check the map. If you infect their computers with the slow play nvirus, there will be major retribution. I know for a fact that when their Tetris games get interrupted they get a wee bit testy.

That was a lead in for my main point of the night. This blog is for my amusement. Despite the fact that I have extreme confidence in my math skills and things just don't feel right out there in Internetpokerville (and the constant stream of rule breaks) I am getting curious as to why readership has skyrocketed since Full Tilt imploded.

The Clustermap used to show 0,1 or 2 visits in a 24 hour period. Me at home. Me at work. One friend. When the US Justice Dept. cracked down in April readership jumped into the teens. When Full Tilt self-destructed readership jumped into the 20s and I have a max of 39.

So I'm curiouslifical (real word) about the readers. The map only shows the ten most recent, but I have seen lots of repeat home towns. Council Bluffs Iowa (obviously bluffing, can't take that one seriously.) Riyadh SA, Paris France, London, Madrid, Athens, etc...

In addition to my math skills I also have a lot of confidence in a bizarre and aridly dry sense of humor. So maybe the repeat visits are merely because of that.

Or maybe it's the Asian pics.

What's been driving me crazy for the past 3 minutes is if it is one of these factors, or maybe the poker sites are just keeping track of the bazillion mistakes they make on a daily basis.

Comments are open and welcome. And I'm talking to you council bluffs.

As has been said several times I await a rational, intelligent and non-vulgar rebuttal.

Because being a coward doing things like listening to people argue animal rights, Scientology, global warming and whether "The Fifth Element" is a good movie I have just way too much ammunition.

The Four Boards are Creaking

2011-10-10T20:05:00.001-04:00

As predicted PokerStars has given up on the useless tactic of dragging the games out at an impossibly slow pace. Mind you, there is the occasional doodlesnot that behaves like a....well...doodlesnot. But you're going to have a hard time convincing me that hundreds of players I've never butted heads with before magically change their style of play after a couple of months. Pretty weak PS.

Time to report a new curiosity. There has been a larger than normal of boards lately where there is four of a suit or four connected straight cards.. The record currently stands at five consecutive hands with four of the same suit or straight connectors. Eventually this may get to the point where it's mathematically bullshit. It's on the border right now. The Canadian and US border. I feel safe making that claim because I enjoy Canadian beer, their meese (plural of moose) and until they get a higher percentage of hot Asian chicks they will continue to be a target of my poisoned pen.

Watching

2011-10-08T07:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to just kick back, drink a bottle of water and enjoy a realxing and competive game of poker. Sometimes the best tables to sit at are already filled.

I want...no, I NEED to race. These race tables are just so awesome, but dammit here I am on the frigging waiting list.

And what started out as a massive bingofest (real word) with everyone going crazy with the betting melted into something almost resembling real poker.

Not
Real
People

Competitive Spirit, or the Lack of It

2011-10-08T07:48:00.000-04:00

I'm surpazed and amized (both real words) that Internet poker in general and specifically PokerStars just keeps churning along making the same mistakes.

Sitting on a table with real human beings and you've just put down $50 which is your lunch money for a week you get interested (if not to drunkiful(real word)) in the outcome of every single hand.

Yet, on PokerStars you can buy into a 25k game and just say, "Screw it...I have 20 millions chips, I'm sitting out."

Oh my God! It's midnight and I have to be at work at 6! Why did I register for this game?

And exactly how did you get this stack when I have to pull teeth from the hobo on my doorstep to get a sibgle hand that's worth a call?

Facing admins and rigged AI is a losing position as far as the chippies go. But it's golden for finding Inhumans.

Being Predictable - On Purpose

2011-10-06T20:37:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0&noredirect=1

Being predictable at Internet poker can be a huge mistake. There are "tells" just like in a brick and mortar non-rigged game. You always fold to any major bet. You take a lot of time slow playing on a killer. You bring a squit gun and think that Joe Mantegna won't notice. You name yourself "william" (the William Tell.) You kick major butt, and someone makes a sarcastic comment about you're great hand. Tell it to the hand.

Penn's buddy doesn't talk. Teller it to the hand.

Now this is a bit more subtle overall, but here we are again looking at some suckmeister complaining about the "suckout" that beat him. I've watched this bad movie countless times. If thy art a real human methinks you are an admin.

Because you broke a rule. Only AI and admins can break the rules.

And here we are watching some whiny fartfloffer (not a real word yet, but I'm working on it) that gets to express his/her displeasure in the chat. Despite the fact that chat is disabled when a player goes all in, just like the suckout complainer did.

If I could toggle cheat mode, get some bogus stars on my avatar and didn't have to worry about the size of my chip stack I might be tempted to cheat.

Internet poker doesn't work that way. It is a business with vitually no real regulation. And they can prey upon real money addicts, suck them dry and pet their little yippie dogs, cash the check and sleep. That is, if AI can sleep.

To date I haven't seen a hint of PokerStars trying to tell me my math is wrong. Probably because it isn't.

My bike is so red/

Now Get this Background Story

2011-10-05T20:59:00.000-04:00

10k buy in. The play is like a badly programmed Xbox game. Patrick is wild and crazy when he plays, but why am I not surprised that he's the slow play flavor of the day? Bad breafast tray? Just gay? Need time to pray? Saving money to buy a new Monet?

We. No, I mean they, have a new lame trick to cover for the slow play. Disconnected.

With a high speed cable dial up I've never been disconnected except when it served the site. Warning Will Roger - danger. Admin is awake and needs time to rig. Patrick and lucky both flas in and out of the table. And Patrick, on a 10k buy in game just continues to be an annoying jacjwipe to the very end.

I hate seeing "lol" in chat since I know that there's really no laughter, but I almost fell on the floor and searched for my pills on this one.

And luckydeuc900. Oh please. You're trying to tell me that you purposefully chose that? Luckydeuc was taken and you accepted their alternate? (It's not - I checked.) You didn't try luckydeuce? (it's not, I checked.)

Just another bullshit game to annoy me.

But it doesn't because, well I'm smarter and more experienced than they two year olds they pay as admins that don't have my 13 years of experience.

Recent Upgrades Here at The Big Laydown

2011-10-04T20:41:00.001-04:00

AKA a mutated version of Jack and the Beanstalk
------------------------------------------------

When I was seven years old my momma (God rest her soul) gave me three magic beans. She told me that if I planted them a big ass beanstalk would grow, I'd be able to climb up it and steal all kinds of treasure from some dumb ass pre-flop raising on crap giant, The treasure included a goose that lays golden eggs, a magical lyre and a lifetime subscription to Maxim.

Being a rebellious little twerp, and dubious about Maxim's lack of focus on Asian women I laughed it off. When she died I had a good cry and tripped on my Pringles can that I saved the magic beans in. After fondling them in an unnatural manner for seven days I realized that since I didn't get any money from the tooth fairy when I lost 3 molars in a hockey game that it was a tall tale. Giants, magical geese, magical lyres, etc... did not exist.

I took the so-called magical beans to the local pharmacy which referred me to an animal husbandry. Surprisingly this chump was willing to trade the beans for a bull. He told me the bull would provide milk for a long time and some juicy steaks in the future. Curiously, mention was made that the cows feces would provide me with duplication of Internet poker bullshit every single day. Not being a fan of bull milk, and at this time not knowing what the hell Internet poker was I laughed it off. But I looked forward to the juicy steaks.

Decades later, the bull is still as young as he was when I first traded the beans. He takes at least three healthy craps a day in my back yard.

And the slow play of the last several weeks. The race tables. The inhumanity just keep marching on. Currently I can play every day and watch at least one dumb ass playing slow just to be annoying.

Part Two.

One day, the bull was not satisfied with his diet of Cheerios and malt liquor and ate the neighbor's chicken coop including all of the inhabitants. Being magical he pooped out a golden goose. That layed golden eggs that put egg on the face of Internet poker.

Now I'm on to something. Daily bullshit, daily egg in the face embarrasing cheating. Best three magical beans I ever gave up in my life.

Part Three.

Trying to impress Jarah I took up the piano. Just like dogs, bulls are surprisingly short tempered when they get no attention. He ate the piano. After two days of indigestion the bull pooped up a magical lyre.

Which is what any defender of the reality of Internet poker is. A magical liar.

------------------------------------------------------------

Part Four - off topic.

Don't get emotionally attached to the new Hawaii Five 0. First season was great. Season 2 premier adequate but rushed. Season two episodes 2 and 3...well, they kinda sucked. Here's hoping Grace finds a new and better home.

Oh Really?

2011-10-03T20:08:00.000-04:00

I was thinking that maybe PokerStars would have given up on this by now, but every single table I sit at has multiple players using massive amounts of time. Since I'm more patient than the patient on the Operation boardgame, it really doesn't bother me. I think of it as an admission of guilt. Like maybe Amanda Knox breaks down and confesses she DID kill her roommate king of guilt.

Playing slow, which serves no purpose other than to be annoying doesn't reap any rewards other than the satisfaction of knowing you woke up, went to work, and logged into Internet poker with your rigged cards and were annoying.

Same old story. One jackwipe times down every single hand. Another jackwipe purposefully times down, the hand is folded and he sits back in before the next deal.

Excuse me, but.....

If this is the best you can do to make me uncomfortable and want me to leave the site you're in for a lot of Xenu in the near future.

The main perp in the slowisity (real word) was jorge west form Brazil, I think. I intend to continue doing what I did tonight and posting an off color joke about the slow play until they finally give up on it.

In case you can't see it in the fourth screenshot of the table, here's the joke:

"Why does jorge play so slow? His hand is in his pants."

Not surprisingly he did not respond.

Balls in your court douchebags

Special Bonus Screenshots!

2011-10-01T09:02:00.000-04:00

There's only three things on this planet that approach my hatred of the fraud of Internet poker. Mad cow disease, spoiled milk and Scientology.

This morning Scientology got the upper hand as lrh defeats Xenu.

If I hadn't consumed that four week old milk last night and the multiple bathroom trips didn't happen I would have done better.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s09e12-trapped-in-the-closet

The Ever Popular No All In Bet

2011-09-30T20:24:00.001-04:00

As a conservative and highly suspicious person I always ask the guy from the natural gas company for ID. Occasionally I get backed into a corner where there is no ID, but I just know that when I light up that cigarette that I will be blown to kingdom come and need to go all in on faith.

The desperate need to go all in is factored into PokerStars betting algorithms. (For any newbiews, we're talking about the hordes of AI that infest this and have always infested poker sites.)

A quick time out - since I can still duplicate this every day. And I will. The insanity of playing slow is still out there. Two different tables where multiple players have to take enough time to hit the 14 second warning. On the same night. Annoying for the sake. And we aren't talking about Japanese adult beverages.

Maybe I'm just frustrated because within a couple of seconds I can make a decision on whether to call or fold. Or maybe since it didn't use to be this way I'm on to something. You decide.

Now, back to the main story. Jarah is keeping the baby. The murder trial is about to start, but the key witness is trying to flee the country. Johnny has pronounced his love for Julia, but he knows that her father doesn't approve of him. Lorissa is...er...

Sorry, that's my Genital Hospital soap opera blog.

OK. Let me guess what's going on here. These are 10k buy in games I've been playing which suggest that there might be some skill involved if you are a real hum. You have something like 865 chips left, i.e. short stacked. You have just called pre-flop. And the only player on the table still active raises you 700 chips. After 17 days, 3 hours and 14 minutes my Mathex 1407z (calculator I bought at the airport) tells me that if I lose I will have 165 chips left. Which since I was already short stacked to begin with is basically meaningless.

The real and human thins to do are either fold or go all in. But time and again I see players that supposedly have some skill based on the buy in doing the weirdest shit.

This includes the kissing cousin of the lack of all in bet - the folding when there was no raise. I guess since "muck" rhymes with "fuck" your mommy will wash your mouth out with soap and you don't want that to happen.

Think about what she'll do to you when you look at pictures of hot Asian chicks on the Internet.

Not
real
people.

Spanish High School Dropouts LOVE Internet Poker

2011-09-28T20:27:00.000-04:00

Again. Third night in a row with an insanely slow table after warning them what my current focus is, i.e. what kind of mentality registers to play internet poker within the past couple of months and deliberately plays slow to be annoying just for the sake of being annoying. We got ourselves a little bit of a side bar here. (And not the side dishes at the Bonanza buffet - a "sub story" (which is not the side dishes at a Subway buffet.))

More than an hour and a half and there's been only two lines of chat I've seen. A very pedestrian "zzzzzzzzzzzzz" - someone had to complain about it since I wouldn't. And this little gem:

Crei ke eras tu

My first thought was that this wasn't Spanish, which the screenshot shows is the homeland of this player. Et tu brute - my guess Latin. The actual answer is even more laughable. There's a Spanish song with the name "Crei que eras tu."

My memory of my high school Spanish tells me that 'que' is actually a pretty basic word. "Que hora es?" (Sorry I can't put the backwards question mark before that.) "What hour (or time) is it?" 'Que' is 'what'.

There are six possible reasons for this:

1) Spanish speaking person that dropped out of high school and never learned proper grammar.

2) Spanish speaking person recovering from a brutal grain thresher accident, on some serious pain meds and managed to get everything right but the "ke."

3) Lithuanian terrorsits have forced this person at gunpoint to purposefully mistype.

4) This person wants their 15 minutes of fame by making it to my blog, complete with all the rewards and glory that this encompasses.

5) Admin that just screwed up.

6) Real person that tried to deceive the Internet poker community and faking that they are from Spain. The benefits that this strategy has are unmeasurable, they are so off the chart. It's right up there with the 13 year old boy pretending he's a 21 year old lesbian girl. I know, because I have tried to pretend I'm a 21 year old Spanish lesbian in chat rooms....(time out while my Calculificon ASx313 (my Hewlett Packard calculator)

0 times.

Crap. That can't be right.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

What's really disturbing is that I've had two 2nd places and a 3rd in the last three tables. When weird shit like this happens I'm used to be totally screwed over.

Doesn't change a thing.

2011-09-27T20:26:00.000-04:00

As a guy. A he manly doing guy things guy I drink some beers, have some smokes, delay paying bills because I'm too lazy and watch mindless crap on TV like The Deadliest Warrior on Spike. Invariably as I watch this I reflect on why other guys can't accept the simple pleasures and watch the show and must feel the need to log in to another guy activity (nothing personal gals) and deliberately be annoying and not competitive.

This is three nights in a row of my specific allegations and the jackwipes just continue to keep lining up for the sole purpose of being annoying.

Timing out does not magically make your next hand better. Timing out might give you a miniscule edge trying to look like you are thinking.

Or you are just an admin jackwipe or rigged AI.

BTW - jackwipe - the piece of paper used to clean up jack shit. Love that and my copyright application will be in place by the end of next week.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

We've loaded the info into the Calculatron 1WAS27 (my TRS-80) and ran 5,000 simulations over a period of the last 7 months. Damn this tandy is slow. The final core was Jarah 2,501 to Grace's 2,499. Grace's kung fu skills on 5-0 just couldn't match the distraction of Jarah's perfection.

Let's Take Some Bets on How Long This Will Continue

2011-09-26T19:57:00.000-04:00

My bookie is open 24-7 and I give it about a week or two before PokerStars realizes it's stupid and counter productive. My carpenter has produced 18 different kitchen counters in the past month and I think that's pretty counter productive. Poor sap deosn't realize I have no intention of paying him. However, the joke is on me. Wha

t exactly does one do with 17 extra kitchen counters?

I imagine the general idea is that I get so frustrated at the slow play that I'll just give up. This behavior has the opposite effect, hence the 17 extra kitchen counters. Timing out and folding (combined with inconsistent time bank rules) does not increase the quality of subsequent cards. It's just annoying for the sake of being annoying.

Since I don't get to see the tables other real people log in to, I don't know if this is just for my benefit. I hope that others do. Since this blog now gets 20+ reads a day there seems to be a bunch of people out there that agree it's bullshit.

By the Way

2011-09-25T09:15:00.000-04:00

How did you get 10k to buy in?

Being Annoying Just to be Annoying

2011-09-25T09:07:00.000-04:00

The ordinary critic of Internet poker focuses on the cards. This has provided me and my Calcutron 32X (my Commodore 64) some amusing moments, but I prefer to focus on the real people thing.

Since PokerFrauds made the mistake of letting me get to many chips I can buy in to bigger tables where the quality of play shows that it's not reasonable that a real human wanted to bhe a part of the game.

Real poker - you sit at the table. It hasn't started yet. Grab your beverage of choice. Kiss the life partner. And play some cards.

The 14 second warning has been launched into a new orbit. Now we have "players" timing out, automatically folding and then jumping back into the game.

I've tried very hard to think of a word that describes this. After 2 hours of drinking malt liquor and booting up my Wordatron 43m9nl (Radio Shack pc) I think that I'm safe to say -

Bullshit.

Yes, it's not just Full Tilt. All Internet poker sites are a huge waste of time and energy (and money).

PokerStars Announces Double Return of Deposits*

2011-09-22T21:16:00.000-04:00

* Not intended to be a factual message.

ANS - 9/22/2011 (Asian News Service)

In an uprecedented strategy to try and reclaim some credibility PokerStars has launched a new email campaign. Free money bank accounts worldwide were frozen in an attempt to offer up the site as an interface for poker players to test their skill. The US FMBI (Free Money Bureau of Investigation) launched an overdue investigation into the financial information.

Bagaget Hornet, US free money attorney general made this staement yesterday:

"We discovered that PokerStars was not legitametely offering reasonable tables and that free money poker players wanting to cash out were being cock blocked. When the rooster woke up, a cinder block was thrown at it."

Just like Full Tilt, the lack of ability to pay off free money deposits has lead to a global Ponzi scheme on the free money games. The FMBI investigation found that 185.6 billion dollars of free money deposits were illegally used to distribute to Freckledmom and other prominent AI positions.

In order to repay these positions PokerStars is alleged to have created bogus AI with great cards that raises every hand. And it might be too late.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dave. Can I call you that? Davey? Annoying douche bag raises on crap and it works and feels the need to post vulgarity about when you've had a not so bad beat and whine about it and don't admit that your K5 off suit won on the river? And you continue to keep raising?

Plain and simple. Exactly what the fuc(learned that from Davie - can I cal you that?) do you get out of cheating on free money tables? If it's massive chat, less than normal slow play bullshit you still fail big time on making this look for real.

Fukk Tilt Denies Fraud

2011-09-21T20:43:00.000-04:00

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/09/21/us-poker-lawyer-idUSTRE78K6C820110921

Wow. I'll bet nobody saw that one coming. I wish I could put up an emoticon that shows that sentence dripping...no, uncontrollably flooding with sarcasm.

In April, the followers of the Big Laydown (both of them) got to hear my prediction that this was going to end up like a bank run where the depositors know that the bank isn't solvent and that they wouldn't be able to pay the money back. The only survival story I know about a bank run is fiction - "It's a Wonderful Life."

Let me give you a personal to me analogy. You have endured many of my crack team jokes which ends up being related to my dog. Four days after my main crack team member was laid to rest I got a phone call from someone within a 45 minute drive of me. In other words, local. "Are you the guy looking for a German Shepherd puppy?"

It offends me that they think I would be so naive that a puppy mill wants me to think about paying $400 for what is probably an inbred and unhealthy animal to satisfy my grief. So I called them out on it, just to blow off some steam. Theemergency clinic (only thing open until two days later) made me fill out some paper work which I included my cell phone number on. The puppy mill called my cell phone, which since it's basically for emergencies never gets called.

Now, since I was just blowing off steam it wasn't a huge surprise that they told me that they had no responsibility in this event that by mathematical standards is just too f'ing weird to be believed.

Of course the answer is no. In this wonderfully litigious society we live in, even if the answer is really 'yes', what gets spewed out of the mouth is 'no'.

After the FBI inestigates Full Tilt and they have $6 million in cash with locked out US players being owed 150 million, can they seriously say - Ooops. I'm a little bit short on the cash because I paid it out to the owners. There was a mistake in the accounting, give me a couple of weeks to fix the financial statements and pay the bank run customers.

My personal belief is that PokerStars and Absolute have been doing the same thing, but managed to have enough capital to pay off US players and their fingers are crossed while they cheat enough real money players into keeping their Ponzi pyramid alive.

By the way. I own the Eiffel Tower. And not just in computer games - the real metal strucure. The stock market has been so bad I'm reall getting worried about my 401k. I'm putting it up on eBay for sale with a minimum of $10,000. Email me at bmadoff@scam.net if you want to negotiate a lower price.

The KatyiePerry Effect/The Anti-Katie Perry Effect

2011-09-20T20:44:00.001-04:00

Purposefully titled for cheap hits, but as an attention whore I'm way beyond caring.

First of all - again, here we have this 14 second warning nonsense slow play bullshit that didn't use to happen. Magically more than 100,000 players a night decided to play slow after years of playing at a decent speed other than breaking the time bank rules.

As I approach 750,000 hands played on IP I have to raise an eyebrow on the curiosity of what I think is a poorly programmed vacuum AI strategy.

Andy Rooney would say, "Have you ever noticed that cars up on blocks seem to belong to rednecks?" "Have you ever noticed that the guy with the chi[ lead on your table raises a lot and it works?" "Have you noticed that Katy Perry gets attention because she's got big hoohaas instead of any real talent?"

The big stacked (nothing personal Jarah, your rack is both big and very toned) spots just constantly raise, raise, raise and if that doesn't work raise some more.

It's really pretty pathetic from a reality point of view.

Don't be amazed by the huge boobicals. Call it if you think you have a winner, and don't let the poker Katies have there way.

If you aren't AI

My Fortune Cookie Fortune

2011-09-19T19:56:00.002-04:00

As you are all aware by now, I enjoy the occasional hot Asian tasty treat.

Pork Lo Mein with pork fried rice. The only thing that could make it more perfectfulicious (real word) is if it was bacon instead of pork. Same animal. What the hell, close enough.

So as I indulge in my once a week lunch treat I open the fortune cookies (they always give you two) and one tells me, "Your patience could test the sands of time."

Bow Howdy, you got that right. And patience has three chapters in my Guide to Surviving Internet Poker. It's obvious that my opponents have not read the book. It's like they are possessed by Satan to Raise constantly. Which, by the way is how the devil ray got its name. Marine biologists in the middle of an intense poker game would start to bet heavily after too much rum. Several of the beasts would attack the ship and they became to be known as "devil raise fish."

I will give PokerStars a tiny bit of credit. Since the US Justice Department has slammed the door on the real money play they've had more time to put admins in free money games and they look marginally more realistic. At times I get the sense I could play it straight up and not be super duper ultrapatient and maybe be ok.

But, I need several more months of better than it used to be before I have the court stenographer issue any kind of royal proclamation.

As my Guide explains and has oft been posted here, there are two standards I play by when on a two table 18 player game. Don't take it seriously until you folded a hand that would have won. And don't take it seriously until you've been dealt an ace. The first SHOULD be the limiting criteria - the one of the two that is second to be filled. You'd be surprised how often the simple matter of being dealt an ace becomes problematic.

In the first screen shot - I've made it to the final table and one player has already been eliminated until I was dealt my first ace. (Check your precious hand histories and alter them so that you can deny this fact.) The only reason I've survived is because of the guide's rules. In fact, I still have enough chips to make an impact on a non-rigged hand.

I finally won my first pot after getting down below 900 chips and finished in the money.

The point is, on a bad night you might go many, many, many, many hands beyond the statistical average of 6.5 before getting an ace. But when it gets to be over thirty and your at the final table you really have to start questioning the integrity of the cards as "random." If twos were aces I would have been the chip leader at this point.

But, PokerStars is safe and secure in doing this time and time again because it's not like I can prove it. All I can do is get Jarah to bat her eyelashes at my audience and say, "Trust me, it's true!" and I'm sure they'll melt and see things my way.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, the second screen shot. On a personal note I find the use of the word "rape" as a joke about the outcome of a hand to be juvenile, offensive and uncalled for. Yes, I drop an occasional F-bomb. Yes, I have an ongoing joke about Asian women that comes of as demeaning. However, the language and Asian women refernces are meant to provide comic relief as I deliver my main point. I'm not saying this to defend my own actions as much as to condone use of the word "rape" in comic relief. It's right up there with calling people retards and faggots and jokes about how some poor bastard got leukemia or AIDS. Don't do it.

Odd Games

2011-09-15T20:32:00.000-04:00

Internet Poker could really do themselves a huge favor by stopping to offer oddball games.

Badugi, 8 game, defunct Full Tilt's Matrix, Razz and Elimination Blackjack come to mind. It's just an excuse to have a position that by no rights by their quality of play have enough to buy into a game and raise like crazy/play like an idiot and be succesful with it.

Now, since I've been getting a lot of wanted attention (that's not a typo - normally it would be unwanted attention, but I know I've pissed you off) in my never ending quest to be annoying I switched to a 2k buy in on 8 game on PokerStars that my 828k play money chip stack shouldn't be interested in. I was not disappointed.

The "if these people are real they have been bitten by zombies and all play the same way" infection is universal. It's not just Hold'em. Our Brazilian friend timed out on the first hand. Sat back in. Timed out on the scond hand.

I've seen this before, but never to the extreme I experienced tonight. Usually these sitters come alive (after avoiding being inhaled by a vacuum) and start winning. Bira was abit different. A stupendous mathematical anomaly different. After folding my bet leaving himself with 10 chips which at this point with blinds of 50/100 he should have been dead within a couple of hands. But NOOOO! Scratched and clawed back to a respectable amount.

My therapist has expressed serious concerns about my fixations with Internet Poker, Asian women, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, the impending zombie apocalypse and math. And after beating her with a stout twigs (Richard Simmons and Perez Hilton) she relented.

When a player that has taken a huge amount of time thinking and we finally get back to the 7-2 lowball phase of 8 game and you get eliminated obviously playing for the high hand you deserve to be eliminated. And have your account deleted for obviously existing only to be an annoying dochebag.

Failed Damage Control

2011-09-15T19:57:00.001-04:00

My focus has been on the lack of humanity. The past few months have shown a spectacular overcompensation in this area. So when I sat at a sitter with two Italians and a US player fluent in English player I had to raise an eyebrow as I marvelled at the non-stop inane chit chat.

Now, I have nothing against Italian girls. They make great companions for Mafia movies and can shave the hell out of Ice mixed with fruit syrup for a tasty treat. But this gal has me pondering the language usage. Why do you follow up a comment about "mi amor" (pretty sure that's 'my love') with "Kissssssssss"? There is an Italian word for kiss, and trust me, it's not 'kiss'.

For fun I called the moderator since chat is only supposed to be in English. After ten more hands it was finally shut down. I'm sure the chat rule is to be a barrier against collusion where non-English speakears post card information. Although I'm not fluent in Italian I could tell it was idle banter that basically amounted to "How is the weather?" But hand after hand it just got to be so annoying that I could tell it amounted to "Hi Xenu! You're wrong! There ARE real people playing the game!"

Not real people that went through the registration process and got a verification code yada yada yada...

The Three Main Categories of Busting on Internet Poker

2011-09-13T20:58:00.001-04:00

he obvious one is the cards. When you have played hundreds of thousands of hands like me it's painfully obvious that they aren't random.

Number two on the list, which melds with number one is that there is an atrocious lack of humanity. So few plyers playing like they care. Raising for the sake of raising. (And it works.)

Number three is playing agaisnt the owners of ther site. Surprisingly (sarcasm) they get really pissed off when you are better than they are. And I have to believe that the mixture of these three has morphed into an alternate reality that I haven't entered yet.

A couple of months ago I busted on the time bank inconsistencies. it disappeared. Now, every single frigging table has half the cast using huge amounts of time.

This would make an ordinary player upset and wanting to commit violence to the significant otherm but newsflash - I ain't got one. I don't even have a dog anymore. (Pausing for a cry break. I loved that mutt.)

Now, let me get this straight. After more than a decade of me playing free money tables all of a sudden the collective unconviousness has decided that the way to play is to use massive amounts of time, pretending you are thinking, got your spreadsheet going on what the odds are and then after the 14 second warning hits you finally make a move?

Skilled poker players like me can make that decision in 3 seconds. Which means I fold because I have shit.

For now, me and my crack team of playing versus admins (me and the ghost of my dog) are heavily leaning towards admins trying to make it uncomfortable and getting me to quit.

Who wants to guess what my reaction will be?

Seriously - the board is Q,3,4,5,6,7 all clubs. You have the nuts with you 8 of clubs. I can almost understand the chump with the Ace of clubs. But the other "person" that launched you into chip heaven. Kinda bullshitty. And since no one acknolwedged you accomplishment.

Kinda bullshity. And your arrogane posting that the site sucks. Kinda bullshitty.

Now rember (real word)

Oh, I got nothing. Bullshitty.

9/11

2011-09-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I sat at a tab;e with the sreen name "freeplaypro." I've got some doubts about the reality of this. It's a high buy in table which one must assume requires some skill.

Oh please.

You are going to go into the registration process knowing you are "play money pro." No, you are just another talentless fuck (can I say that talking about AI?)

Now, Germany - as a country I don't want to disrespect you. Your beer is good.

But someone has besmurched your name and logsinto a high end table that is not from your country.

I haven't seen this naming yourself bullshit in about two years when Ultimate was up on my radar screen

The Free Trial Period/Damage Control

2011-09-09T21:06:00.002-04:00

I shouldn't, but I will remind both of my fans - in the early days of my Internet poker career I bounced around on a lot of different sites. It was astounding how I could make massive gains without too much poker knowledge. And there often was a friendly face to "school" me on what I was doing wrong.

The FBI loves me because I've never even considered putting real money into this. Homeland Security sent me a Cinnabon three weeks ago. When I woke up from the diabetic coma I did the sensible thing of drinking an entire two liter bottle of Mountain Dew and went into another coma. On the hospital bed I prayed that my time off would make things more reasonable.

Yes. They are. But only marginally. Now that I'm approaching about 700,000 hands played I would expect a little bit of respect. The cards dealt have morphed into a power ranger and...sorry coma delirium...into a mix of being treated like I'm being courted to break out the checkbook and the hatred of the knowledge that this won't happen. Which is weir because I couldn't even if I wanted to.

As has been posted recently I got a pair of kings early in this sitter. Since my brain does not function normally I don't raise. Wow. I didn't even call. What is wrong with me?

Like posted recently (during my coma) when I get a pair of Ks early I just KNOW it's going to lose.

It's been the better part of two years now that on PokerStars I get crappy hand in general for the first twenty or so. At this point, to get back in the game with me being so short stacked against the rest of the uncompetitive competion I need to go all in.

And why this is still a surprise is that the all ins are working at about an 85% success rate.

I understand that some players don't want to risk the stack versus other big stacks versus player's with more chippies than they have. Now check this PS (thats short for PokerFrauds) you'll see that a lot of them have been me re-raising after another annoying pre-flop bet.

So, why does this work? Why do I draw a straight on the river short stacked versus the better hand?

They are training people to play badly. As a cosmic joke on injustice I folded a 7-3 straight that could have only been beaten by an 89. Pretty much the nuts. Pair of kings, sure fire loser. 73 offsuit a winner. Yeah, right.

The excessive time usage continues to ooze it's ugly porefical (real word) face. And this is my current focus on the tables I sit at. There's no rationnal reason for a player to buy into a 10k game and be slower than a red dwarf star going supernova. But here it is again.

This massificaloical (real word) use of timeage (also a real word) is annoying to me. Which I don't care too much about because all the serious poker players out there that have experienced it must be annoyed, too.

The summary:

You don't want to play me with serious random cards. But maybe we can shut you up with a two hour game you win at.

Ain't gonna happen. I'm here for the long haul.

By the way - Alan Smithy. Not his real name - Alsn Smithee is a notorious movie joke name. Rainbow and his/her ultra slow play - you sould have called yourself Rainbow not so bright. Here I am showing my pre-real job retail career.

Now, the real meat of the argument. If I'm right, which I'm not why do I cosntantly have to wait 20+ hands before the cards begin to look they might be random? Every a 10k buy in has an arrogant jack wipe raising for the simple sake of raising. I wish I could catch them all, but my deck is worn and weathered. My Shivan droagon nas been neutalized by a red circle of protecion. I vacuumed the rug. I put my flag out for Patriot's Day. I emailed my best friend. I smoked a cigarette. I cleaned the bathroom. I watched the best episode of The Mentalist ever.

Whatja (real word) you gonna do AI and admins?

The Illusion of Competence or Why Does Everyone Hate Me?

2011-09-08T20:50:00.000-04:00

More than 20 years ago I tached on to Sid Meier's Civilaztion computer game as my fix for a strategic and competitive outlet. Despite the primitive graphics by today's standards I still find myself venturing into it. It is the mostest purefical (both real words) strategy game ever made.

And it's been a great tutor for my when trying to understand the lack of math when playing Internet poker and supposedly meeting up with hundreds of thousands of real people where maybe someone is simply just better than you.

In Civ (can I call you that? Civvie? Little Scivy? The Civmeister?) You get to pick a level of competition. At this point in my life playing anything other than the second to highest mode is a colossal yawn fest. I've invested so much time that all the little tricks have been figured out. But as my Accounting 102 teacher Mr. Nguyen said, "Life is not so simple my friends." Real quote that leads up to a joke. You can't Nguyen them all.

If you play perfectly on Civ and have built yourself up to be the biggest dog on the planet the AI does this cute little "pact making" thing where they share knowledge, make treaties and do everything in their AI power to make you lose.

PokerStars does the same. The clueless AI is gone. Now you are up against AI rigged to great cards and....

Yes Dorothy there is a Kansas, fake ruby slippers made with carbonite and red dye number two and people that don't have to follow the rules.

When you play smart poker on PokerStars and fold the first 20 hands because you get crap hole cards the "good player" AI has already cleaned up the "bad player" AI. Apparently the idea is to force the real human into a desperate all in and bad beat them. But since I'm so conservative I get the joy of making it to the final table, watching the good AI kill of the bad AI sitters that never should have had enough chips to buy into the game in the first place. Go all in and cross my fingers, rub my rabbit's foot, watch the rabbit run away into his cage and wonder why I can never get an ace before the 10th hand. (You should get at least one by the 6th or 7th. Tonight's ace on the 9th hand was the best in ages - i.e. non-random cards.)

I've been a good little boy lately. I haven't taken a ton of extra time as a gesture of defiance. And the collective unconsciousness on PokerStars has responded in kind. Speed of play is normal. Chat is normal instead of insane. I've made the final table and:

Let me think. Why are people folding into a sitter when all they have to do is call to win the hand? Answer - the AI is programmed with a certain set of parameters that doesn't care about chip stacks. understanding when to fold a good hand and raising on the most marginal of cards.

So when the AI gets burned off and there are three real human players left (me and three or four admins) they do this cute little trick of playing to make me lose instead of playing to win.

I expect this on Civ, but on PokerStars, even if it's just plain money my eyebrowws burned off in that charcoal grill accident have to say -

Bullshit.

Pair of Kings - The Worst Hole Cards in Internet Poker

2011-09-07T20:40:00.000-04:00

Setting up the VCR...changing computers from my email computer to my PokerStars computer...taking a quick pee break...throwing dinner in the microwave...settling in to the game thankful real life stuff got done before the first hand.

And as I relax, breathe a sigh of relief and can comfortably fold the first hand I get the worst hole hand in Internet Poker. The dreaded pair of kings.

When you combine a pair of kings with some chump bad beat that draws an ace to pair up on the turn or the river with an ace my mouse paused on fold. The lizard "real poker" brain started to kick in with some stupid thoughts about going all in despite the crap during this past week. The rational brain balanced the non-random cards of the past week with the lizard all in and thought about calling.

When my pulse slowed down I finally folded to a hand that would have been a major disappointment.

The Comical Poker PR Campaign Marches On.

2011-09-06T20:20:00.001-04:00

With a lot of the good old style cheating I've known to come and love.

We are back to the basics here. At one time in my misbegotten so called life I spent ages on Full Tilt marking down my hole cards on the Hold Em games and after losing marvelling at the exceptional low quality and lack of reasonability I'd shake it off, remind myself I have skill and torture the neighbor's cat with fireworks.

Let's get it out of the way now - neighbors around me don't have cats. Poor taste in comic relief. Because cat meat is pretty tough and stringy and has a decidely off taste. Especially when killed by fireworks.

Time out- legal counsel has reminded me to lay off the cat eating jokes. I suppose I'm not even allowed to make a crack about eating Asian pu....

Dammit Bob, OK, no more off color eating cat jokes. I promise. (Until you fucking stop staring over my shoulder you...HI Bob! You wonderful person! Ben and Jerry's in the fridge! Jarah videos! Ointment in the midicne cabinet!)

God I hat Bob, because he's so damn sensible.

Anyway. I prefer to not complain too much about the bad beats, because my share of them has stabilized into something resembling pokerifical (real word) normality. But deeply rooted in mankind's primal fears amidst being attacked by rampaging mastodons and hunting sabre-tooth tigers for lunch I have

"NO BOB. Not talking about eating cats!" Jeez. So..."Bob, I haven't made a cat flavored Ben and Jerry's reference. Just oh, play some dominoes or something!" (With my luck there is surely some pizza flavor with cat meat on it, but I think I have a couple of minutes.)

Now if you've made it this far you either hate Internet Poker, are a fan of the Big Laydown, are extremely stoned or just hate cats. Me and my crack team of cat haters (me and the dog) have noticed that PokerStars has returned to the most tried and true form of policing the game.

Septic Tanks.

(Sorry - thought Bob was watching.)

The most tried and true.

"Hi Bob. No as you can see I'm talking about septic tanks with my friend Hugh Laurie."

"Goodnight."

RANDOM CARDS. Or the extreme lack thereof. It's amusifical (real word) how PokerStars simply just can't make the game random. Even when it would give them about 2 days more of credibility. But that's not as important as cheating people on free money games.

Oh yes, PokerStars. I'll deal with you tomorrow. I'll be watching. Maybe the notebook will come out of retirement. And since in my delusional state I see Bob as a Bobcat and Hugh Laurie as a Housecat I'm suddenly come over all peckish. Both would go well with a Chianti and some fava beans. Good night Bob.

Yes.....good night.

PS No legal counsel was eaten during the typing of this post. Lawyers as dinner. Seriously? And when Hugh Laurie finds out about this I'm toast. With fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Changing of the Guard

2011-09-03T01:56:00.000-04:00

Like myself, apparently AI needs a nap once in a while. Electric sheep are quite cute, so I can understand this. As much as I understand leprechuans and death metal groupies.

The death metal leprechauns in charge of the biggest most fundist (real word) poker site do need to have some down time to slam some Mountain Dew and amass their collective 5 points of IQ.

Here I am. The lonely and troubled IT worker for a multi-billion $ site. I must do some maintenance. And there are still 70 thousands of players online. It's not like I can kick them off. And I'm not ready to put up a friendly statement that I'm going to shut down the site for a couple of hours. Nope. too much money to cheat people out of.

I've seen this before on Absolute. An obvious shift change.

I scroll down the reg screen I made the mistake of buying in to a game and magicfully (real word) there are others that have interest in MY table. Scroll up - nada. Wait a couple minutes. Scroll down - lots of tables with one player. Scroll up - squat.

Sorry PokerFrauds but this just reeks of AI not repopulting the tables.

DATABASE not an interface.

The Shagmandu Incident

2011-08-31T19:58:00.000-04:00

Paint has let me down, but if I'm right this will be an event that I can and surely will try to duplicate.

After an unprecedented run of overly great hole cards and flops and turns and rivers (translation: bullshit) I have gone from 187k to 838k on PokerStars in two weeks. My 4 top paranoid conspiracies on this are:

1) Keep me online as long as possible to hack and/or sabotage things like Paint.

2) Establish that yes, there are real people here. Lot's of chat after years of humdrum mindless raising and calling with no real humanity behind it.

3) Keep me interested to point out the obvious mistakes here so they can be corrected.

4) Mulder and Scully were right.

I still stand by my claim that I'm talented, but such a meteoric rise in chips is not normal even for

So, the streak finally came to a suspicious end tonight. The game starts with the friendly "shagmandu" offering the obligatory good luck to every one message. Shaggie (can I call you Shaggie? Shagmeister? Shagamundo? Shagmagic?) has aroused my suspicion because shag is a type of carpet. Katmandu is in Asia. Oriental rugs are from Asia. Oriental rugs are not shaggy. Oriental porn stars are usually clean shaven down below. (From what I've been told.) Ergo, this supreme line of reasoning tends to make me think this is one in a long line of not real positions.

So I searched for the username. And the replay was that it couldn't be found. Players other than Shagalicious were found. Yet here I am sitting at a table with someone that doesn't exist.

At the very best for PokerStars this is evidence that the software is so monumentally screwed up that it doesn't work. Past history makes me tend to think otherwise. Which is why I wasn't surprised when I folded my K6s, the flop was three spades, there were three all ins and two other positions had a pair of spades. Naturally one held the nut flush ace. The rest of the table played out like the good ole days of bad beatin' cheatin', too.

Sigh. The party's over.

Until I get screen shots of this crap again.

Okay PokerStars, you win this round

2011-08-29T19:45:00.000-04:00

Feasting on my paranoia - good move. I've played some very reasonable poker this weekend and tonight and I'm up to 830k. However. They did it again. Registered me for a game I didn't click on. Thinking I'm buying into a 25k game I find myself at a 200k buy in game.

So I said to myself - nothing because I'm not in the habit of talking out loud to myself. Waste of oxygen and nitrogen and traces of some other gases which I doubt really exist. I mean, face it - it's called the PERIODIC table. They surely must change it around occasionally.

Silence the poisoned pen? Keep me online to hack? Meeting my ransom demands? We'll probably never know.

Another curious event has unfolded. I changed my settings where I need to approve of comments before they get posted. And there;s been a couple in the last week. On a post I made ages ago. The text reads like the emails you get from Olga, your potential Russian bride who is secretly a 55 year old housewife in New Jersey eating bon bons. In other words - dangerous to click on any links.

So readers - both of you - if it's got a line underneath it's a potentially dangerous link.

Internet Poker Etiquette - Showing your cards

2011-08-26T13:48:00.001-04:00

I imagine there must be some kind of setting on when to show your cards. Because to think that you manually have to do it at the culmination of each winning hand is seriously bizarre.

The background for this story:

10k buy in game (plus the maintenance costs - the Internet poker free money mortgage must be paid.) Two tables. Lots of "people" hitting the 14 second warning (i.e. slow) lots of all ins and nobody except me plasying like they care about serious competition.

My patented formula is to wait for two conditions to be met. I must be dealt an ace and I must have folded a hand that otherwise would have won. Once these conditions have been met I've avoided a ton of bad beats and seemingly pre-programmed play. Whether paranoid delusion, or that I might be right about the nature of what's going on it's worked. I know have the most chips on PokerStars since a year ago when I got to sit at high buy in games (25k+) and for my own satisfaction played and watched as the statiscally unreal cards were dealt.

Occasionally, we here at the Big Laydown (me and my Calculatron and a half eaten box of Girl Scout cookies) like to reflect on doing something new and different to shake things up a bit.

A side product of patience, lots of folding and gaining 300k chips in a couple of weeks is admission that first place is a ridiculous dream that just can't happen. So, as I play I have the calming mentality that my George Foreman grill and re-runs on TV will keep me happy. Finish second, yawn, unplug the puter (hacker prevention) eat more cookies, delete cookies, go to sleep and see what's going on tomorrow.

So I said to myself, "Self - what exactly does happen when you nuke your second place stack instead of bothering to play against a rigged better than really can be expected vacuum you used to eliminate all the others?"

The answer is here. Admittedly just bizarre and not concrete. But since I think my credibilty is better than PokerStars I'll mention it.

My vacuum adversary and I are heads up. I chat that it was a great game and I have to go and sit out. He compliments me on the great game and proceeds to annhilate me. And I stay and watch the vivisection.

You show your cards. Must be a setting I haven't figure out because to show your cards to an obviously inactive player is meaningless. And since losing in this manner is greased bunny quick I missed the screen shot where he actually raised when calling would have killed me. Human nature says that you're smart enough to play a 10k buy in, pleasant enough to throw in an occasional compliment in chat and that you would simply call every hand that will be a sure fire winner.

But vacuums don't behave that way. They have no remorse. They have no morse code. They have no humanity.

Vacuums SUCK.

The Bellagio Armed Robbery

2011-08-24T20:47:00.003-04:00

http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2011/feb/03/metro-police-announce-arrest-bellagio-casino-robbe/

I have no idea how we here at The Big Laydown missed this little nugget. Because we specialize in a mixture of poker related topics and comedy. If you're like me, read the news and marvel at the comic series of flaws that lead to the arrest. Here's a summary of the best:

Our mental giant in question robs the Bellagio of 1.5 million in 25k denomination chips. And gets away with it! At first.

Now surely he can't go back to Bellagio and cash them in. That's way too obvious. It's not like he can flee to Mexico and cash them in and live a quiet life sipping mojitos and watching the drug cartels shoot at each other. Pretty much the only option left is to find a way to peddle them for cash. And he must have had some success at that. Because he managed to cash in enough to gamble with.

At the Bellagio.

And losing 170k in months of inept playing.

After having gone on record prior to the robbery he was broke and had declared bankruptcy.

Personally, I would have gone for cash instead of 25k chips. They just same a bit too obvious. Like stealing a major piece of art and trying to sell it on the black market within a week of the theft. My friends in the art theft business (the Maximum magazine article I read) tell me you have to sit on the stash for years/decades. But, so interested in returning to the tables the plan was to peddle them through the use of various poker forums. Not a totally bad idea. But still the buyer who we can assume has an iota of intelligence and maybe read the news should question where this magical 25k real money chip came from. For reasons we will never fathom, it must have happened.

Personally, I would have taken my ill gotten cash and gambled in ANY other casino other than the Bellagio in Vegas. Atlantic City Aruba and Indian reservations come to mind. But that's just me.

But wait, the story gets better.

One of the police investigation points was a 25k chip given to the Salvation Army guy(or gal) waving the bell at those cute little buckets they set up at Christmas. When they try to cash it in - no dice (unintentional gambling reference.)

And the police investigation also tracks down a dealer that he played at the table and was quoted as saying, "How hard could it be to rob a casino?"

After some stock reply about casino security the quote is something like, "Nah, can't be that hard. All you need is a black ski mask and a motorcycle, and I already have a motorcycle!"

At the Bellagio, weeks before the crime.

Time to abbreviate a bit. Read more in the link. The police recovered a bunch of his money in the raid arresting him and accounted for most of the rest by gambling losses and sudden change of life style expenditures versus someone who is bankrupt and have watched every episode of all variations of CSI and Law and Order.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not so callous to suggest that the casino wronged you because you have shit for brains gambling on tables you were just feeding every once by your lack of skill. You just picked the wrong crime.

After investigating the collective works of L. Ron Hubbard I have recommendations for the copycats that try to mimic this foolproof plan.

Get yourself an Emeter. Then:

Don't do armed robbery. I have no idea why, but for some reason police tend to get a bit testy and investigate. This includes real police and not just the hot gals on crime shows that have brains and can double as models.

Create a website. Pay your 13 year old PlayStation addicted nephew to help you with it. $300 should be enough. That's about 8 new vid titles. He will surely be up for the plan. Legally change your name on borrowed money from you aging Aunt. Now you have enough "seed" money to customize the website and make it a validly registered site than can be Googled.

Name the site something poker related. After three agonizing days of research we have a few recommendations. "Poker" should be in the title. This may seem counter-intuitive for a site that is eventually not going to really be about poker, but this is what the Calcutron 4xb2700 (my Commodore 64) came up with. Now, differentiate yourself from the other poker sites. Use an innocuous term or a poker related term to match up with "poker" and you're almost there. Use something like "All In Poker" or "Preflop Raise Poker" or "Full Tilt Poker." Trust us. The Calcutron has only been wrong once in the past decade. (Power and modem problems.)

At this point you will start to get some traffic. Spend the money and create a Ponzi scheme. Don't worry about having players wanting to cash out. Put them off for a couple of months and pay them by the deposits from your new players.

Flee the country and sip mojitos. It really is just that simple.

Just Like Playing Poker Bingo

2011-08-23T19:38:00.000-04:00

Really? I find the timing of this comment to be somewhat unusual. My pair of tens wasn't good, but I did manage to catch the 4th diamond on the board for a not too solid flush winner. Which is fortunate, because if it had been solid it wouldn't have flushed. Me and my crack team of toilet experts (me and the ghost of my dog) have identified goes down the crapper much easier than solid matter.

What's really hilarious is the idea that the US Government was so paranoid about freakishly unusual earthquakes that there were evacuations. And shut downs of tourist attractions. And the possibility of Brett Favre coming out of retirement.

And that the collective unconsciousness has suddenly had a major mood swing, the cards are more random, the chat is more normal, the massive use of extra time has seen a massive drop. The last week has been much more realistic.

Of course I don't buy it. More and more people are questioning site integrity and after a decade of nonsense, why would you try to pretend it's for real against me of all people?

Now, the bingo comment could have been related to the several all in bets that occurred at this table. This still doesn't help their case. I haven't seen this many high pair vs. high pair going all in hands in years. Just like baseball had the juiced ball (and PED using goliaths - yes, I'm talking to YOU Barry "Asterisk Cheating Bonds" the game is more entertaining when you don't have to fold 30 hands in a row.

Must go now. I have to take a king sized dump.

Which naturally will lead to a royal flush.

Taking Advantage of the Poker "System"

2011-08-22T20:26:00.000-04:00

I'm still trying to cleanse myself of being a greedy chip whore this weekend, but like they say "Make hay while the sun shines." In a pointless attempt to regain lost credibilty PokerStars was not set on Impossible mode this weekend. Half day of vacation on Friday. I don't have to worry about taking care of the dog, so it's time to drink some beers and play a crapload of poker.

Logic, reasonable play by real human beings on large buy in games with the assumption that there is some kind of talent to acheive the chips to make the buy tells me that I shouldn't double my chip stack to 345k in a couple of days.

Last night I was present for what is now one of my top five Internet Poker Experiences. I click on to registering for a 25k buy in two table Hold'em sitter and

Wow. Here I am at an Omaha Hi Lo game. And one of my opponents acknowledges this peculiarity. The drama played out like an overstated attempt to make a point that says, "Hey, Xenu, there are real people here!" The chat became comical to me because they tried to "school" me on the proper way to play Omaha Hi Lo. Newsflash: Libya in turmoil and I've forgotten more about Omaha Hi Lo than most people will ever learn.

I've dedicated way too many hours and found the lack of reality so pervasive to let one game where I'm funneled into a game that I didn't register for to make me change my mind. At best, the software is so fucked up that you can't even trust that they can reg you right.

I have a new mission - it's time to give up living in this piece of shit country they call the US. Time to move somewhere when I can take my massive poker skills and male member to a place that I can play for real money. I'm just thast good.

And I lied. I don't have massive poker skills, I just recognize the system. But Jarah agrees about the other half of that sentence.

I Hate Being Right All the Time

2011-08-21T08:08:00.000-04:00

The quality of play on the "high" tables is marginalliy better than the low ones. I still have the sense of playing a bad video game instead of testing my skill against real people.

Keep imploding. I will ne the first to put om my boogey shoes.

There's Always Something Wrong On Every Internet Poker Tourney

2011-08-18T20:40:00.000-04:00

An ordinary person wouldn't complain about kicking ass and taking names and going to beddy bye with well over 200k free money chips. But, by golly I'm not an ordinary man. I guess I'm still fuming over the Jarah and Sora restraining orders. And I promise you, that kid is NOT my son despite what you heard.

Nearing 200k I have the luxury of sitting at a 10k buy in without too much worry. Maybe, just maybe tonight is one of those rare nights when I get to play cards and not think for even a brief second that I'm paranoid and people are out to get me.

And here we go again. The 14 second zombie collective unconsciousness virus has infected this table, too.

Guys, seriously. How can I go for years withoput seeing this, download a supposed upgrade and suddenly and continually the collective unciousness pretends to be thinking.

Me and my crack team of time using experts (me and my dinner) have a couple of thoughts on the advantages that Internet Poker gains from this.

1) It's a lame look at making it look like your playing against a table full of real players.

2) It's a direct attack on me - if the game is so insufferably bad, maybe he'll lose interest and just stop playing.

3) Blinds and antes are tied into the length of the game. I fwe give the rhuman crappy cards for forty hands he'll get bored and go all in against juiced (rigged( cards and lose and I get the employeee of the month award.

25k buy in games - here I come,

Internet Poker vs. Video Games

2011-08-17T21:08:00.001-04:00

I am prejudiced against this, so weigh that when you read this. But bear in mind that I've played damn near 600,000 hands. In general and PokerStars in particular the the free money tables seem to play out like a badly programmed video game. Otherwise I have no explanation on why I can go from 400k to starting over with the minimum and slowly building and then finally when I get to the point where I'm comfortable playing a 10k table things start to get interesting, not because of opponent skill, but the quality of the cards.

With 160k in my bank I play a two table hold'em sitter where I make it to the final table, short stacked as always and about 60 hands into the game I finally am dealt my first ace. PokerFrauds doesn't track free money table hand histories. How convenient.

So then I play a 10k buy in on my beloved 7-2 lowball draw. What I get is a clueless player that I have to wonder how the fuck he got enough chips to even buy in to the game and a first place finish after massive folding and cautious real poker play.

Now, with the weekend coming up I have almost 200k and I'll betcha the mortgage that when I play a 25k buy in table that the quality of play is still like I was playing on the baby tables.

Except that there are lots of indications the staff is reading this blog and making adjustments.

Too Much Memory Used

2011-08-16T20:31:00.000-04:00

Picture of Jarah didn't post.

PokerStars Math Still Doesn't Work

2011-08-16T20:03:00.003-04:00

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And it doesn't show any signs it ever will. Jarah's pose pretty much says it all. Other than exuding sexy from every pore of her skin it says...WTF?

I have several superpowers that make me the perfect weapon to investigate instead of just trying to relax and playing. I'm hugely competitive, superhumanly observant and superhumanly patient. And now that I'm PCT (Post Cracked Team- doggie is gone) I can spend more time on the issues in life that really piss me off.

So, since the weekend was so productive I have the luxury of not caring about my chip stack. Whoa! A meaningless 2k Razz table with 6 of 8 registered! Let's switch their coffee to Folgers and see what happens!

For those that aren;t aware, this is a fixed limit game with an ante every hand. & stud low hand wins and the person with the highest card has to do a "bring in" to equate to blinds on a hold'em game. Eight players. Mathematically on average each will "bring in" once every eight hands.

PokerStars has a history of players that sit out from the first hand magically coming back and being competitive. Translation - vacuums with great cards that sit out because otherwise they'll just beat the other AI to kingdom come. Translation - Rigged.

Oil sat out from hand one, and it was finally about hand 60 when the first "bring in" came his way. If only I could be so lucky.

Like luck has anything to do with it.

Milbur - Overcompensation to the Max

2011-08-15T20:19:00.001-04:00

There are some things we here at The Big Laydown don't keep secret. A fondness for Asian women. The ability to fold 50 hands in a row without caring. Spending too much money on the hotel mini-bar, etc....

As we venture through this wondrous creation known to most as Internet Poker that we like to call Questionable Heaping Turdfest (QHT for short) we have been confronted by some extremely questonable...well...piles of heaping turd.

Let's call this turd Milbur, because that's the screen name he used. Obviously desperate for attention and trying to provide a cover story on why the play has been so slow for THE LAST MONTH. Recent posts have made it no secret that I've noticed the inceptionally slow play - that's exceptionally slow play defined by that to believe these "people" are for real that you must be living in a dream, within a dream, within a bad nightmare complete with frogs wearing negligees and a pontoon boat full of midgets (don't ask.)

But, I digress. OK, so the cover story is that yes, somebody else out there has noticed the exceptionally slow play and they decide to complain about it. Hand after hand after hand. I brushed it off until the final table. For some fun I started posting some slow related puns in the chat. Slow Gin Fizz. Slowmatoe, the Arby's Milbur (can I call you Millie?) slow roasted beef sandwich, etc....

Since the weekend was very productive I really didn't care about my chips. Finished in the money anyway, naturally bad beaten by Millie.

Now here's that old logic and human nature issue rising up again. What type of a personality dedicates themselves to log into a poker site with the express purpose of being annoying? A couple billion people on the planet. Personality matches - 2 according to my Calculatron 4D3XSt (my Commodore 64.)

No, this was a tourney created for my benefit by admins trying to present a pseudo-rational excuse for the time wastigness (real word.)

OK Millie. Here's your 15 minutes of fame. Enjoy it while I eat a roast beef sandwich washed down by a sloe gin fizz.

The "I Have to Go" cheat

2011-08-13T19:36:00.000-04:00

The ever lovable "I have to go" raise.

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Since I've played over half a million hands on the Internet I've seen this a bunch of times when I'm on a rigged table. A player claims that they are trying to lose so they can move on with life and deal with their stink of failure by throwing a golf club through the TV set or feeding the cat and eating dinner. Universally, and I mean every time, this is a big warning sign that this position is going to go on a roll. And not a tasty Totino's pizza roll or a rig'em a role (rigamoral, get it?}

I was prepared to throw a golf club through the TV when I realized I don't own any and that PokerStars was about to prove me right. I don't care how good you are. Mathematically, someone with less than 100 chips doesn't make this kind of comeback without some feeding.

Naturally the Cmeback Kid was the only chatter worth talking about.

Some admin toggled cheat mode and gave himself great cards because losing just ain't fun. I was probably the only real human at the table other than him.

If you are seriously trying to play to lose their is only one valid, human option.

Just sit the fuck out. It's really that easy. Turn off your pc and go to bed.

Or keep up the facade and give me screenshots. Your choice.