Al Gore

The reason that nobody takes Al seriously is that he's got no rhythm. Global warming is a big topic ad Al is at the forefront of it. But he's not black like Obama. Black guys got rhythm.

Being the racist that I am I shaved my head this morning and logged into PokerStars. This white boy hates all this obvious artificial intelligence. The game of choice is 50-50. It's relatively safe. AI vs. AI with one human and like Full Tilt's four simultaneously games weird blitz shit you can win by simply folding every hand. Yeah, that's real poker.

One day Al Gore decided to give up on global warming and turn his energy to PokerStars. Born of a poor sharecropper in the deep south he ignited his fellow slaves to revolt against the oppressive heat. The air conditioners worked fine until the fire ants chewed up the insulation cables. Undaunted Al took the microphone away from the wedding singer, got up on the soap box and spoketh (real word) this:

I hatest (real word) being a real human. It's most obsivical (real word) that being a computer is much better. I suck at poker, but it doesn't matter. I can buy free money chips. And I can take dance lessons. Then one day I can get Al Gore rhythym. Then my algorithm will match yours.

Chromestar on a meaningless free money table. Pfft.

Steelers fan?

As PokerStars continues to muddle through the useless attempts to try and make it look for real to me I'm met with this table. Seriously, why spend the effort. You can't counter more than 15 years of abuse.

The math is on my side.

How convenient is it that the first chat in ages is someone asking at the start of a new table if someone might happen to be a Steelers fan when there might actually be two? Don't really know why someone else would name themselves pitts and steelers and just happen to pop into this table. And the original questioner drops it after no response. And steelers is from Brazil and Pitts is from the US.

This in itself is not to weird that they might have joined the same table. But imagine the excited two year old that wants to start chatting with fellow football buddies and is left out in the cold of a winter Pittsburgh night. Little Terry B is crying now. Except he stole Momma's credit card and bought 7.5 million chips and is going to prove how good he is at non-random cards.

Buying Free Money Chips on PokerStars

Well since my screen name is Xenu779 it's no big secret that I am a fan of what's going on with Scientology. The message boards I read poke fun at the ridiculous efforts they are putting through to squeeze the last few dollars out of the dwindling existing members.

PokerStars has now degenerated to this level. And this is why the US Justice Department should never relent and carry the lawsuits out to the bitter end.

US players aren't allowed to play for real money. But US players can buy massive amounts of free money with real money.

Just like Scientology who mass emails everyone ever involved begging for donations. Lots of people go on the critic boards and say, "Hey look what these assholes sent me." PokerStars sent me this email about buying free money chips.

I'm conflicted between laughing at how comical this is since my more than decade long history and how my intelligence is insulted on how they don't have a clue that there's no fucking way I'll ever buy free money chips. I'm going to have to rate buying free money chips as my second favorite oxymoron ever. There are some obvious oxymorons out there that everyone knows. Military Intelligence. This page intentionally left blank. Medium sized jumbo shrimp. Attractive Jamie Lee Curtis. The only one that tops this, and this can change, is "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize." That one won someone money in a contest and I still giggle whenever I think about it.

Free is a pretty basic word in the human language. Once you get to the point where free isn't free then suckers that buy into this and get cheated on the free games by AI - and need to buy more free chips with Momma's credit card it's far from free.

The Odd Bet

I'm going to preface this by griping about something else out there that is obviously bogus. Long before Internet poker took control of my life I used to spend most of my time on chess. The happiest times where in my teens and twenties long before computers ruined the game online.

There's a world championship going on in chess. GO CARLSEN!!!! So I've poked around and tried to find live analysis as the events unfold. This isn't really going to happen since the games are played at coffin (sleep) time for me. I did sign up for a free 30 day membership on ICC, probably the biggest site out there. Well the free account let's you watch five minutes of a video which is far short of being able to see the meat of the middle game.

So as I jump through hoops to register I actually try to play a game. I'm instantly greeted by the reason why I stopped dropping money on this site long ago. Once it becomes apparent I'm going to win my opponent magically loses their connection. And now to get the rating point increase I deserve I have to go through some bullshit process where "experts" adjudicate my game and declare my won position a win. How convenient that I simply couldn't be declared the winner.

After much investigation, just like I have spent years of my life investigating poker in general and PokerStars in particular it's fairly obvious that these opponents are not real people. They even had proclaimed Bots playing at a low level of play that would suddenly get all masterly after dropping a bishop in the first ten moves. I don't know how they expect this advertisement for the site would make someone break out the credit card to get the so called full benefits of the site.

Long ago I learned to avoid the normal sit and go hold'em games since all the market research, lack of AI that gets way better than average cards and employees are regularly popping in on. So for now these bullshit 50-50 tables are where I am at.

If you are doing something that I can't do, you are cheating. I can't bet in anything but even multiples of $10. Here we have three times when a player can and does bet an odd not multiple of ten amount. And just for good measure let's throw in someone not going all in when that $15 left behind will never make a comeback.

What's the problem if Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber start dating? Which one do you fell sorry for? What's the problem when Full Tilt goes bankrupt and is bought ought by PokerStars? Which graphics programmers of the same basic scam software do you feel sorry for?

So Typical

These cards are not random. This genius started going all in on the most marginal of hands and when called it worked. I haven't seen this many bad beats by "someone" that doesn't have the time to post any chat in my entire investigative career as I've seen in the past few weeks. It just screams AI to the rafters.

In Honor of Two Plus Two Acknowledging My Birthday

Thanks guys and gals. And I know what you're thinking. Xenu779 doesn't post too much anymore. You have a burning need to see evidence of Internet poker being absolute bullshit.

Now I understand that with your busy lives that you can't simply create an account and visit virtually every table without raising an eyebrow and saying, "What the fuck?" so I'll splain (real word) it to you here.

Nobody has the time and skill to amass enough chips to buy into these high level games. The thought that people would buy free money chips to play like idiots is one of the most comical things I've ever seen.

NIGHTCRAW.

Small time out. You created an account with your name in caps lock? What the fuck?

Playing two high end tables at the same time? What the fuck?

Registered for a 45 player free money game with no chance of it starting before a real human would want to wait.