Fmucker

Seriously? It's not the fact that someone would actually choose this for a screen name it's the fact that PokerStars crack IT staff would allow it. The correct response to registering with this screen name is that there would be a polite message from Pokerstars that would read something like this:

Dear fmucker:

I understand that you want t pick a pungent screen name that identifies yourself as an individual and separates you from the pervasive AI and the two year olds that play here. But alas as there are two year olds here we must insist you pick another name as the current choice is too close to mfucker which is something we simply can't allow. As a magnanimous gesture we will allow you to purchase 1 billion free money chips at the bargain price of $99.99 US Dollars. Please ignore the fact that the currency is US Dollars when US players are not allowed to compete for real money. Trust us that our next upgrade will be to change the currency to Euros and Bitcoins.

Have a nice day mother fucker.

PokerStars.

Well Lookey Here

With the dwindling base of real money players PokerFrauds now resorts to advertising free money games. Where you have to buy the free money chips to get it on it.

"ring ring"

Hello?
Nigerian prince here. Want to make an easy 200k?

Internet Poker Fraud - Don't Fuck With Me

Often I'm asked why I would spend so much time busting on PokerStars. It's because I'm a coward and it's waaaayyyy to easy a target. But let us sink a little bit more into the mind of Xenu/Paradox.

The Inernet is a dangerous place. There's lots of fun out there for those that aren't easily distracted by what is going on with the computer that

Holy shit look on the tits at that bitch!!!

There's lots of other fraud out there other than poker. Pick your poison. Poker, Seaworld (I'll get back to this in a minute) or pretty much ever fucking multiplayer game out there. Now since I'm not easily distracted by the

That squirrel, so cute!

So let me splain it to you Internet poker and game players. And I use what I've learned about SeaWorld and noisy idiot neighbors as my backup.

You have no legit defense. Orca killers keep lying. Noisy neigbors that push the snow on to my property keep lying. Wall Street keeps lying. Keep denying the overwhelming evidence. The Cove and Blackfish pretty much prove that whale captivity sucks. My noisy neighbors revving the car engine every day before 5am.


Keep doing what you are doing and I will find creative ways to mess with you.

I Have To Go

This is so retro like ten years ago bullshit. "I'm warning you. I'm going all-in jackwipes. Because I have to go." Yeah fucking right.

Back when PokerStars had a couple of thousand real people playing every night pretending that there was more than 100k playing I saw this a lot. Frankly I'm surprised to see it pulled out here when the chat, "upgrades," weird games and general lack of intelligent play point towards this just being another comical table filled with bogus positions being idiots chugging along to be part of the next bogus milestone hands. Where real money is supposedly given away to fake AI positions. Me and my crack team of psychoanalysts, movie lovers that have watched Total Recall and my awesome pit bull have this to say.

It's staged. There's no prize after beating Toru Tanaka. You are stuck in a game you aren't supposed to win.

It's a helluva lot easier to simply sit out or disconnect to leave the table. If you want to go all full tilty and go all in, just do it without proclaiming that you have a bogus legitimate reason to do it.

What Are the Poker Pros Doing?

Playing free money games.

Here's a table with two Bronze Star positions from the United States of Kiss My Ass (Joe Mantegna movie line). So if you're new to this blog let me splain (real word) to you why this is bogus.

Just like a video game where you level up and get rewarded, after much good play and hard work and dedication you can get a Bronze Star. And if you are really obsessed there are better stars out there. Silver, Gold, Chrome, Jarah and Cadmium. In addition to the time and skill requirement there is just one tiny little flaw in the system that PokerStars hasn't spent the time and money to reprogram and fix. You have to play for real money.

If you are interested in Internet poker and you play on a regular basis you must have been hiding in a cave with Osama Bin Laden and Obama Sin Biden to not know that it's been many years since the US Justice Dept. locked down real money play by US players.

Just like the Olympic flag avatar madness the reality is that artificial intelligence churning out millions of bogus hands doesn't have the ability to pick an avatar that makes any sense. It's just assigned. If I were a poker pro from the US that spent all that time to get a star I'd be bored out of my skull playing free money games. Especially a bizarre variation like PokerStars 50-50 option.

The Geography Nightmare Continues

This took me all the way 20 minutes of bouncing around to find four positions where the country of origin registered doesn't match the flag proudly displayed supporting the Olympic team. There was about eight tables that didn't have any such mismatch. We all know by know that despite the fact that PokerStars should know about math and things mathical (real word) like statistics that this is absurd. But here the embarrasssing facts are on display again.

Brazilian registration with the flag of Lebanon.
US registrations with the flags of Aruba, Cuba and Kyrgystan.

At this point one must wonder if it's a deliberate set up to aim people at new sites with an ad campaign that centers around the idea that they don't cheat like PokerStars does. Newsflash bumpkin. Same software, different graphics. Probably the same owners.

Major Upgrade on Pokerstars

In all these years of busting on PokerStars I'm normally focused on the obvious lack of humanity. As a commercial operation they should care about making the game fun while dragging in a rake. There's been no significant upgrades on the interface. Here's the latest upgrade:

Seats aren't OPEN anymore. Now it's an "Empty Seat." And with all the technology available today there are still people that are disconnected. Surely PokerStars will say that it's the player's fault. But you screwed up and let me buy in to a higher stakes game. There's no fucking way that anyone with 5k chips that might have a problem with Internet connectivity would even bother registering.

Oh my. I'm still busting on the lack of humanity. Any position that disconnects is bullshit AI.