Poker is Allegedly a Game of Skill

So PokerStars wants to get back into the action of ripping off the United States. "It's a game of skill, not chance." I can only imagine the spokeshole that has to talk about it to the media. You can't have it both ways. You can't be a site where people are playing with skill to legitimize your claim, and have endless tables of something fractionally looking like real poker. There has been, is and will continue to be tables that don't just encourage "all in." It's specifically defined by the host of the table. Hey guys, I sat at this empty table first and it's RAGE and you have to go all in every hand.

You are part of some bizarre club that loves the luxury of not having to think about your play. Perhaps Tic Tac Toe would be more your speed. My apologies - tic tac toe requires more thought than PokerStars RAGE. I'll give you a hint if you want to change games. Take the center square. Sorry, I didn't mean to insult the professional "tackers" out there.

(Note to self - make a movie about Matt Damon being a professional tic tac toe player who buddy's up a mechanic that can manipulate the nine space grid. It makes about as much sense as what goes on at PokerStars.)

The Wall Street Journal Talks About PokerStars

Now get this. PokerFrauds opened their HQ up to a Wall Street journalist. PokerFrauds disputes the US Justice Department action on shutting them down. Oh you crybabies, it's a game of skill, not slot machine style luck. We're about to deal our 100 billionth hand. And our headquarters is stuck in a tiny rock in the Irish Sea where nobody can touch me.

Poker is a game of skill. But this isn't an excuse to open up the Internet to the fraud. Look at these screen shots. I can duplicate this virtually every day. Some dumb ass has managed to get a million chips and there's no calculated betting strategy. Slow play, drag the suckers in. Nah, doesn't happen. All in despite the fact that betting 500k puts any over your opposition all in if they are stupid enough to call. This is an AI bet. And PokerFrauds entire history of leading up to 100 billion hands has been a piece of software that has AI chugging away at playing other AI and recording these as real hands by people playing against people.

The Almighty Dollar Rules

I predict that in five years Internet poker will again infest the poker playing universe after a brief hiccup/speedbump that looked promising to shut it down for good.

After the second worse period economical period in US history, the so called "Great Recession" and the worst in global history in that same time period, governments are just itching to find anyway to raise revenue. Politicians, one of the lowest life forms on the planet after slime mold, lampreys ad lawyers are more concerned about being elected and re-elected than serving their constituents. Sure there are some exceptions. But if the players that weren't the exceptions didn't dominate then Colbert and Jon Stewart would be out of a job.

So let us all hold a candlelight vigil tonight as we contend with global warming, unrest in the Middle East, North Korea trying to obtain nuclear weapons and how the major Internet poker sites have consistently demonstrated a lack of real players. The US is about to have a flood of States allowing Internet gambling because there is just way too much income for government to make. This is on top of the money government doesn't have to spend regulating and making Internet poker for real.

I have some satisfaction that I haven't raised any progeny into this farce (other than dogs) and that I won't have to tell little Susie that she can't go to college because oil spills fucked up the water because of money. Little Johnny won't have to hear that he can't play the trumpet because I can't afford it because we need a new missile defense system. Cousin Bertram has to apply for food stamps because Dad played Omaha Hi-Lo on Pokerstars and lost his ass.

The phrase "And if you believe that, I have some lovely swampland in Florida to sell you" will be replaced by, "And if you believe that I have a wonderful new poker site on the Net for you to play on."

The Internet Poker Ponzi Scheme

Let's remember that I have a ton of hard evidence with screen shots that there is definitely something weird going on. And professional poker players that do it for a living don't chime in on either side of whether it's rigged or not rigged.

Since I'm a strong poker player and before getting the coolest dog on the planet (sleeping quietly, thanks for asking) I played for an average of 30 hours a week on the free money tables for more than 15 years. When I would log in to a new site the pattern was that I would be courted - let's make this guy think he's better than he is by feeding him above average cards and opponents that basically have no business being at the table.

The upper echelon of real money players wouldn't bother if they couldn't consistently play against idiots that think 6-9 off suit was a decent hand and worthy of calling a raise. So, let us manufacture this type of player. Flop a 6. Then an ace. Then another 6. Now you have AI with A-9 that makes a big bet. You smile, unaware of the fraud and call, or maybe re-raise. You win! Queue up the modern day slot machine sound of coins falling. Yes, modern day slots don't pay off in real coinage - but there is the sound effect like they do. And if you believe in this clinking and keep getting a win every three minutes, despite the losses that go along with them, you pretty much deserve to lose your Social Security check.

So what we have is a huge database with a stable of players that can and do pop in. Poker pros - check out the free money tables. It's bullshit.

Now there is some previously lucky guy waiting to break out the checkbook. And get reamed up the ass. Unaware of the courtship and not random cards he indulges in the gambler's fallacy. Deposit a bigger check. Lose it all. And maybe complain where you get funneled into a new site that promises this is the magical site that is for real. Hey, we don't have a player named Pustule here! (Pustule is already taken as a user name on most sites.)

As a poker professional you don't care about the bullshit as long as there is a steady stream of income manufactured by something about as believable as people making money on Agway or the Than Merrill house flipping scam. Than makes his money by selling his bogus system to get rich quick. Seriously you cock sucking douche bag. How stupid do you think I am? Nigerian prince wants me to launder money for him stupid? If this system was so great it would occupy every single waking moment of your life instead of being so magnanimous and teaching other people how to do it.

I Hate Being Right All the Time

For the love of Rhonda (a goddess) can't you people even begin to make it a tiny bit for real. This is a 10k buy in table. The record I've seen for losers buying into a rigged vacuum is three million. That was on a 40k buy in table. So let's be generous and only multiply it by three. I know you hate math, cheating fucktards, so let me dumb it down for you. 10k buy in 1,000,000 chips. AND some other healthy stacks. Nobody is that good. If you were that good you wouldn't be wasting your time on the free money tables. If US born you would move to one of the states that allowed you to play real money.

Miley Cyrus Hot 100 #1

This makes about as much sense as Internet poker. Topping the list at #1? Sure she has got this pixie cute thing going on. But pixie cute isn't worth number one. Maybe she scored some major points for the wild clothing and bizarre hair style. Or maybe it's just a joke like Maxim's two most recent #69 picks. Stephen Colbert and Monte Teo's fake girlfriend.

I think that Internet poker must really be enjoying my dog. He's prevented me from spending hours at the computer logging the various bullshit. But my bullshit detector skills are so refined that I can sneak in for 15 minutes and find it.

This is a 10k max buy in table. Gaga has 490k. Massive wait list. There are a lot of "people" that logged in and decided to throw away their free chip life savings. This lack of math is astounding. And I can duplicate this every single day. So for those of you less mathematically inclined let me spell it out for you. M then and A then a T then an H. It's math. Math is our friend. It allows us to calculate the tip to give the waitress that brings you your favorite breakfast. And math let's you calculate the sales tax so you can impress them with the exact amount at the register.

Math lets us know that their is too much weight for the elevator to handle safely. Math lets us know that filling the dog's water dish has a point where there is going to be spillage. Math let's us know that the hot chick you work with that appears to be taller than you is boosting it with heels. Math lets us know that the time on the alarm clock means something. You aren't artificial intelligence and you need to do something like sleeping, going to work or trying to impress the significant other to get a little action.

But this is PokerStars, so throw the math out the fucking window.

This is Disturbing

I want to preface this by saying I've never been proven wrong about my investigation into Internet poker. Mostly because, well, I'm right. Poker has gained a foothold with lawmakers and the gateway drug of a few states (no surprise with Nevada and AC being included. Soon legalized poker will return to the US in general.


http://atlantablackstar.com/2013/05/06/casinos-brace-for-change-as-states-legalize-online-gambling/

PokerStars has never addressed how there are so many AI positions playing at one time. It's an advertisement on the lobby screen of how cool the site is. 175,000 players! We are so cool! I actually kind of feel like I want to play for real money just to see if they have the balls to mess with me.

But I have a different thing in mind. So let me talk about Scientology again. This organization is an active fraud masquerading as a religion. They've got a huge war chest and are spending it defending their numerous frauds and human rights violations.

I can'r believe that the US government is stupid enough to ignore the overwhelming evidence that PokerStars in particular and Internet poker in general is screwed up. Probably too much tax revenue to be made. Or maybe even bribery and corruption.

I'm going to start with my local congressmen about this injustice. Then advance to the US Juatice Department and FBI. My Misspiggy screenshots are locked away in a safety deposit box with instructions on what to do in case of my untimely demise. I'd prefer to remain alive, but if I have to be a martyr, then so be it.

Rigged Poker

I really don't understand how much energy is spent on Internet poker. Remember, I don't count as the foremost critic. The math doesn't work. The humanity or, lack thereof doesn't work.

We have a table of all in players that takes forever to start. We have a table that has way too many chips to be realistic. And we have a personal fave - the avatar that shows Sit Out which appears to be a huge program bug that PokerStars never found worthy of correcting. Trust me. No human being ever consciously finds a way to make their avatar show "Sit Out." If they did they would make the avatar show "Fuck you." Because that's the two year old mentality that you bump against, even on the free money tables.