ppkaka

You have to be kidding. It took me about two seconds to get over my schoolgirl giggles and recognize that this username is "peepee caca" in some weird shorthand. Probably because "peepeecaca" was already taken as a username.

One might tend to think that the operators of a multi-billion site might have some quality control and that their crack staff of overworked admins would have thought to send a friendly email saying that maybe 'ppkaka' isn't really something we want you to have as a username. We have Nadal playing here. he might have poop issues and really not want to see this. Or since the mentality of the play is between 2 and 4 year olds there might be some 2-4 year old poop issues that the bad parents.

"Bill, I'm really worried about our son. He spends all night playing Halo and games on PoerStars. Maybe after this last hit of meth we should have a talk with him. 10 years from now we don't want to be known as the parents that didn't take time for the kids and allowed him to get so screwed up that he went to a movie theater and gunned down 7,165 people."

"Tina, shut the fuck up. Little Tommy rules at Halo. And PokerStars. He's a Bronze Star for Chrissake. That implies...or sorry babe, implies to big a word for you isn't it...means he knows what he's doing. So he's played for real money for a long time perfectly happy being known as peepee. There are players named Pustule out there."

"Real money? That's been shut down for years. Is Tommy really fooling us and stealing? Check the meth supply. There might be some missing."

Leaving Five Chips

Doubting my self worth I dressed up in my school boy clothes I've been saving and pretended to enroll in a kindergarten class. The teacher was a smoking hot Asian babe and I think she was a bit suspicious considering I had a Godzilla t-shirt and a Metallica ball cap.

But we had some math fun after the awkward session of playing with blocks. We logged onto PokerStars. And that's where we found out that going all in isn't the best option. Nope. Leave yourself 5 chips. That might be a game changer. And Tony, that's my truck. Tina, seriously, That juice carton might have been yours when you walked in but it's mine now you whore.

It takes a lot less energy to go all in than to leave yourself a meaningless five chips.

Please Allowus A Moment Fred Saberhagen

I wouldcall thisguy a fucktard butthat would be aninsult to fucktardseverywhere. So before I go on toomuch further let me make the point. I do know how to spell properly and put spaces between words. I may have a drunken accident once in a while, but normally, although not Shakespeare or Dickens or Fred Saberhagen, I can be cogent and lucid.

Most blogs about poker being rigged focus on the card play and the inevitable bad beats. I focus on the lack of humanity and this is a prime ca...wait a minute...

Primecase. The odds that this jackwipewas a moderatoremployed by the siteand happenedto usehis powerand authorityto makethe samemisspelling ontwo consecutivemilestone handsis astoundingbeyond belief.

Wellit's noreal bigsurprise. Itis onlyfair thatthe supposedlyfair gameis moderatedby fuckingidiots.

There's no fucking way this guy has a job with a multi-billion dollar site and makes the same grammatical mistake on two consecutive and so important milestone hands.

Sorry.

There'snofuckingwaythisguyhasajobwithamultibilliondollarsiteandmakesthesamegrammaticalmistakeontwoconsecutiveandsoimportantmilestonehands.

Berserkers, Dracula, Empire of the East. The Books of Swords.

GodImisshimthisguycouldreallywrite.

The Clueless Hosts

"Each Player." There are two. Maybe it would be a bit more appropriate to say, "Both Players."

"Good luck to everybody." How the fuck do I get this cushy job as a PokerStars host? You don't even have to know how to count. Maybe he/she/it had to take a pee break after a grueling time of watching the counter click down to the next milestone hand.

"Everyone else at the table won at least..."

What the fuck? He's got a username- wyteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Cleverly thought out after months of torture by bullies on the playground. Please say, "The big winner is AI number one and also wyteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee won $500. Or your AI screen guild card will be revoked.

Here We go Again With Milestoes

The very first time PokerStars paraded out the milestone hands there was a big fuss about observers being allowed to comment. And boy howdy did they. And rightfully so. Because the friendly host explained that you would win the megabucks by going all in.

Now here we have one lonely observer wondering why a table full of players who win real cash money (yeah right) don't take the time to say thank you for the serendipity.

It's sweepstakes and carnies. Present a fantastic prize. Make a big hoopla about someone winning it. And you don't actually have to make the payoff because the winner is an employee that doesn't exist. An actor that was paid $1,000 and a six pack of beer to pretend to e excited about the windfall.

One of My Favorite Oxymorons

Now get this. PokerStars is now on Facebook. And if you login in to play with Facebook you get free chips. Or at least that's what this email leads me to believe. I won't ever know because my FB account is used very sparingly.

Te cosmic joke is that 99% of the tables you play show no sign of real human contact. So if you're playin'with your FaceBook friends they aren't chatting with you. Perhaps the intention is that you play the game o PoerStars, but instead of chatting about it on PokerStars you are chatting on FaceBook.

This is not indicative of real human nature.

Combine this with the recent feature of buying play money chip which essentially makes them real money chips - spread it out as much as possible. The most interesting fraud since the Nigerian Prince scam.

Al Gore

The reason that nobody takes Al seriously is that he's got no rhythm. Global warming is a big topic ad Al is at the forefront of it. But he's not black like Obama. Black guys got rhythm.

Being the racist that I am I shaved my head this morning and logged into PokerStars. This white boy hates all this obvious artificial intelligence. The game of choice is 50-50. It's relatively safe. AI vs. AI with one human and like Full Tilt's four simultaneously games weird blitz shit you can win by simply folding every hand. Yeah, that's real poker.

One day Al Gore decided to give up on global warming and turn his energy to PokerStars. Born of a poor sharecropper in the deep south he ignited his fellow slaves to revolt against the oppressive heat. The air conditioners worked fine until the fire ants chewed up the insulation cables. Undaunted Al took the microphone away from the wedding singer, got up on the soap box and spoketh (real word) this:

I hatest (real word) being a real human. It's most obsivical (real word) that being a computer is much better. I suck at poker, but it doesn't matter. I can buy free money chips. And I can take dance lessons. Then one day I can get Al Gore rhythym. Then my algorithm will match yours.

Chromestar on a meaningless free money table. Pfft.

Steelers fan?

As PokerStars continues to muddle through the useless attempts to try and make it look for real to me I'm met with this table. Seriously, why spend the effort. You can't counter more than 15 years of abuse.

The math is on my side.

How convenient is it that the first chat in ages is someone asking at the start of a new table if someone might happen to be a Steelers fan when there might actually be two? Don't really know why someone else would name themselves pitts and steelers and just happen to pop into this table. And the original questioner drops it after no response. And steelers is from Brazil and Pitts is from the US.

This in itself is not to weird that they might have joined the same table. But imagine the excited two year old that wants to start chatting with fellow football buddies and is left out in the cold of a winter Pittsburgh night. Little Terry B is crying now. Except he stole Momma's credit card and bought 7.5 million chips and is going to prove how good he is at non-random cards.

Buying Free Money Chips on PokerStars

Well since my screen name is Xenu779 it's no big secret that I am a fan of what's going on with Scientology. The message boards I read poke fun at the ridiculous efforts they are putting through to squeeze the last few dollars out of the dwindling existing members.

PokerStars has now degenerated to this level. And this is why the US Justice Department should never relent and carry the lawsuits out to the bitter end.

US players aren't allowed to play for real money. But US players can buy massive amounts of free money with real money.

Just like Scientology who mass emails everyone ever involved begging for donations. Lots of people go on the critic boards and say, "Hey look what these assholes sent me." PokerStars sent me this email about buying free money chips.

I'm conflicted between laughing at how comical this is since my more than decade long history and how my intelligence is insulted on how they don't have a clue that there's no fucking way I'll ever buy free money chips. I'm going to have to rate buying free money chips as my second favorite oxymoron ever. There are some obvious oxymorons out there that everyone knows. Military Intelligence. This page intentionally left blank. Medium sized jumbo shrimp. Attractive Jamie Lee Curtis. The only one that tops this, and this can change, is "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize." That one won someone money in a contest and I still giggle whenever I think about it.

Free is a pretty basic word in the human language. Once you get to the point where free isn't free then suckers that buy into this and get cheated on the free games by AI - and need to buy more free chips with Momma's credit card it's far from free.

The Odd Bet

I'm going to preface this by griping about something else out there that is obviously bogus. Long before Internet poker took control of my life I used to spend most of my time on chess. The happiest times where in my teens and twenties long before computers ruined the game online.

There's a world championship going on in chess. GO CARLSEN!!!! So I've poked around and tried to find live analysis as the events unfold. This isn't really going to happen since the games are played at coffin (sleep) time for me. I did sign up for a free 30 day membership on ICC, probably the biggest site out there. Well the free account let's you watch five minutes of a video which is far short of being able to see the meat of the middle game.

So as I jump through hoops to register I actually try to play a game. I'm instantly greeted by the reason why I stopped dropping money on this site long ago. Once it becomes apparent I'm going to win my opponent magically loses their connection. And now to get the rating point increase I deserve I have to go through some bullshit process where "experts" adjudicate my game and declare my won position a win. How convenient that I simply couldn't be declared the winner.

After much investigation, just like I have spent years of my life investigating poker in general and PokerStars in particular it's fairly obvious that these opponents are not real people. They even had proclaimed Bots playing at a low level of play that would suddenly get all masterly after dropping a bishop in the first ten moves. I don't know how they expect this advertisement for the site would make someone break out the credit card to get the so called full benefits of the site.

Long ago I learned to avoid the normal sit and go hold'em games since all the market research, lack of AI that gets way better than average cards and employees are regularly popping in on. So for now these bullshit 50-50 tables are where I am at.

If you are doing something that I can't do, you are cheating. I can't bet in anything but even multiples of $10. Here we have three times when a player can and does bet an odd not multiple of ten amount. And just for good measure let's throw in someone not going all in when that $15 left behind will never make a comeback.

What's the problem if Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber start dating? Which one do you fell sorry for? What's the problem when Full Tilt goes bankrupt and is bought ought by PokerStars? Which graphics programmers of the same basic scam software do you feel sorry for?

So Typical

These cards are not random. This genius started going all in on the most marginal of hands and when called it worked. I haven't seen this many bad beats by "someone" that doesn't have the time to post any chat in my entire investigative career as I've seen in the past few weeks. It just screams AI to the rafters.

In Honor of Two Plus Two Acknowledging My Birthday

Thanks guys and gals. And I know what you're thinking. Xenu779 doesn't post too much anymore. You have a burning need to see evidence of Internet poker being absolute bullshit.

Now I understand that with your busy lives that you can't simply create an account and visit virtually every table without raising an eyebrow and saying, "What the fuck?" so I'll splain (real word) it to you here.

Nobody has the time and skill to amass enough chips to buy into these high level games. The thought that people would buy free money chips to play like idiots is one of the most comical things I've ever seen.

NIGHTCRAW.

Small time out. You created an account with your name in caps lock? What the fuck?

Playing two high end tables at the same time? What the fuck?

Registered for a 45 player free money game with no chance of it starting before a real human would want to wait.

High, Medium, Low - It's all the Same

It's all the same in PokerStars fucked up version of math.

You can sort by buy in. So let's go to the High buy in option just to see how many people are playing. Now that free money chips are an oxymoron since you can buy them with real money. Top buy in 1 million. Goddammit, that's pretty fucking high. So let's drop it down a notch and go to Medium. 2.5 million tops. That's pretty fucking high. And me and my crack team of math experts (me, the dog, a petri dish full of bacteria growing on agar, some planaria flatworms bissected and regenerating and three cardboard tubes from used toilet paper rolls report that this is bigger than 1 million. Let's go to Low since this is in the range of a table i can actually sit at.

10 million buy in? What the fuck?

It's ironic that the biggest, and impossible, buy in is offered on the lowest buy in filter. In the real world of legit programming new software is made and tested before being pushed into a sales position. That's why it takes Diablo 3 forever to make it to the market and why Teddy Ruxpin was such a spectacular technological failure. And why Jurassic Park was so dangerous.

Artificial Intelligence with huge chip stacks has been a staple of PokerStars for ages. Geez, you even have bingo games where supposedly the fun is to go all in for seven hands of Omaha Hi-Lo and get congratulated when you finish on top after playing by rules that essentially require no skill. And now these positions finally have an excuse to justify how they might have had enough chips to play like this. I don't care. I'll just break out the checkbook and buy more free money chips.

The only real defense here - high, medium and low. It refers to the quality of play. Any position that can afford a 10 million buy in is bullshit and is just going to raise irrationally.

Buying Free Money Chips

My favorite oxymoron is "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize." Runners up are more well known. Medium sized jumbo shrimp. The printed page that says, "This space intentionally left blank." This ranks right up there.

In a desperate measure to gain the last extorted dollars from a dwindling fan base of complete addicts you can now plop down your credit card, or your parent's stolen credit card, and buy free money chips. And if you have a lot of cash you can buy a crap load of free money chips.

Needless to say the timeline of this is all fucked up. We here at the Big Laydown (me and the pit bull) recently posted about ten million free money buy in tables and how unlikely (that's generous, IMPOSSIBLE) that there would be enough players to populate the tables. After the fact days later we see a possible explanation. New player joins. New player wants to play for free money. New player is unsatisfied by a 2,000 chip gift. New player pays $200 real money to get a ridiculous amount of chips to buy in at ridiculous high end free money tables.

Seriously think about this. You are going to spend real money to buy into games that at best get you a sense of pride for being the best and get you more free money chips? And do you really think that you might do well enough that magnanimously PokerStars is going to allow a conversion from free money back to real money? Highly unlikely.

No, the only purpose this move serves is the potential cover story that there is a reason that people who haven't played for years have amassed so much free money wealth.

Hey jackwipes....you could waste that money on Scientology. Gets you the same result. Being defrauded.

Math Means Nothing to Pokerstars

They just break all the rules and appearances of normality all willy nilly as it suits them.

It's been a couple of years since US players could play for real money. I'm supposed to believe that billy sage (ironic that his initials are bs) has a Bronze Star which requires real money play. And competent real money play on top of just playing. And yet this jackwipe keeps playing play money games...and never bothered to pick an avatar. Does any competent poker player actually play for years on a site and not be interested in making a statement about himself with picking a picture to represent himself?

Well, no. Because itself was created a mere weeks or months ago. Or maybe even days.

BS

10 million buy in

Really? Are there really six players that would want to play a free money game for that buy in?

The Ever Enjoyable AI Bet

Trust me on this one. Nobody leaves themselves 5 chips when they could go all in. The thought that you might make a huge comeback by needing to go all in every time for another dozen hands and winning on them doesn't happen without serious math problems.

You keep setting up the volleyball and I'll keep spiking it.

Long Time Players Don't Take the Time to Personalize

Freshly after being cheated on a 50-50 table I did notice something weird. Not a single one of my opponents had made an image to associate with their account. this could be explained away as they might have to wait through a holding period where the admins need to approve the avatar.

But when I get to the next table and there are two Bronze Star players who are waiting to make my life miserable I have to call bullshit. It's a given that a real human player requires a big time commitment to get a Bronze Star. And the thought that you never found time to personalize yourself is comical. Human nature would make you think that it's time to pronounce your skill to the world. But since this is some bizarre new position AI thing they never consider that players with talent (me and my my dog) would even bother sitting at a bizarre and unpokerly (real word) game.

Obama Sucks - the Armenian AI Told Me So

The norm on 50-50 tables is radio silence. There's a good reason for this because the chat that is posted is low level fucktard, jackwipe nonsense. Apparently this douche has a problem with the US government shut down and wants to vent about Obama being the source of the problem. IN CAPS LOCK!

I can think of a few hundred different forums to better state your case. You're fucking from Armenia for shit's sake. Why the hell do you post this here? Oh looky see here. You didn't go all in but left yourself 10 chips by just calling.

Old MacDonald had a farm. AI AI Oh.

The Newest Bogus Game On PokerStars

This 50-50 nonsense has been going on for awhile now. Currently it seems to be limited to 500 and 1000 chip buy ins. Just like a 4000 player Badugi that would never really exist this isn't surprising. Finding six or ten players that would actively search out playing this game is not a serious option. Hence, the real human that stumbles on it will ignore it. Or have a bad experience with it and never bother with it again.

But there is at least one person that cares. Little old me. Because the list of players that shouldn't care but do care is pretty impressive. Please explain why a Chrome Star Russian player allowed to play for real money buys in to a meaningless 500 chip buy in free money game. This doesn't happen in real life too often.

And heaven forbid these 50-50 tables have any chatter. It's not like the guy (Russian racist stereotype alert) said, "Too much Wodka tonight. I play silly game and pass out after losing. Da! Dis was fun! Chekov on Star Trek is best. I play chess with him and crush him like German Panzer tanks. Time to fiddle on rooftop. Burp."

Without a doubt this game should e populated by newbies or people with lack of chips that constantly get screwed over like me.

Classic Internet Poker AI Betting

Well dumbass, after jerking everyone around after you got into the chip lead early you have know tipped your hand. No serious poker player would ever make a raise and call hands leaving themselves with only five chips. I guess you were feeling M1sspiggy style lucky and wanted Guinness Records to record the greatest comeback ever. From five chips into the money.

Even if the other three of us traded winners it would take you hours to get to the point where you would possibly make it into the top three.

The real human response would have been to abort and find a new table. Immediately.

But we aren't dealing with real humans.

Miley Cyrus is Available After the Breakup

Cheap shot. You bet. But I'm still active, PokerFrauds is a fraud and post titles get hits.

There are way too many fucking chips here to be believable.

It would be interesting to see the online poker community try to defend this. I kind of wish they would because there is no good answer.

Pit Bulls Really Hate Poker

Yet, this is probably the single biggest reason that I don't spend too much time busting on PokerStars.

I have a life outside of Internet Poker. Since the play is currently in overaggressive cheat mode I spend my few minutes without the dog bothering me on not playing, but investigating. He's not going to leave me alone long enough for a quiet sit and go.

Now think about this. These new ultra-high end tables have just shown up and they are consistently populated by players that have way too many chips more than a real person could have. The fucking buy in is larger than a real person could possibly have enough to buy in.

And let's throw in the real life adjustment. You jackwipes have the time to get millions of chips without the simple fact of real life issues like eating, breathing, taking the dog for a walk, showering, putting Neosporin on an open wound, discussing fungibles, testing the basement for radon, cutting the grass, paying bills, going to stores and paying bills, orgasms, voting, replacing the gutters on your house, redacting documents that show your ex-wife hired a PI to get control of the child you made a bad decision to bring into this world, fixing the car when it craps out, cleaning the bathroom,

And sleeping.

Bullshit

Same Old Mistakes

It doesn't matter that it's highly unlikely that a single person would get enough chips to play at these tables. It doesn't matter that it's compounded by the tables constantly being full with a waiting list. It doesn't matter that it's compounded by a player playing more than one at the same time. These bogus huge buy in games just keep chugging along.

As far as I can tell Pokerstars is desperately clinging to one of the last marketing cards they have. Billions of hands dealt.

If a hand is dealt in the forest and no one looks at the cards is it really a hand dealt? I mean a real human person and not just some AI that doesn't eve take the time to acknowledge the table in chat.

One might think that an institution like Guinness Book of world Records would help police such an obvious atrocity. I've tried to point it out to them several times. They either don't care or were paid way too much money by PS to not care.

The math is and always will be on my side. Math is a fact like gravity and not something made up like the female orgasm or Tila Tequila.

What Genius Thought This Up?

As someone that is immune to advertising and marketing strategies I really have to think about what weird and demented kind of mind thinks that presenting a game that no real human could ever conceivably sit at.

Throwing a check at Nadal, I can understand that. Look everyone, Nadal plays poker on Pokerstars! Or maybe not after cashing the check. So long and thanks for all the fish.

This schmavitz douche is playing two tables concurrently with a 40 million buy in at each. A real person would be hard pressed to get 10 million dedicating their life to playing free money poker. And if you're that good. Why aren't you at a brick and mortar playing for real money.

Syrian Internet Hacking

Surely that must be the reason for the existence of these tables. Convincing your allies like Iran to retaliate isn't enough of a deterrent to Cruise missile strikes. You gotta hit them where it hurts the most. In the free money chip stack. Let's build up a crack team of computer experts and their support team. (Them and their dogs camels and make life not worth living for the imperialist camels dogs.

One position having dedicated the time to acquire the 40 million buy in is bullshit. A table full of such is Megashark vs. Crocosaurus bullshit. Me and my crack team of film experts (me and the pit bull) report that having a waiting list behind these tables is Scientology Lamprey vs. Tony Ortega (coming to released straight to DVD in four months) bullshit.

When the fuck are you going to wake up and recognize you continue to present an indefensible position?

Inquiring pit bulls want to know.