Defending the Indefensible

It used to e that you could hover on a starred player and see that they were indeed a Bronze Star. Or some other comical hugicious (real word) level above that. Playing on the most meaningless tables out there.

When directly confronted with hard evidence that it ain't for real it looks like PokerStars actions have been defensive. There's been no major upgrade to the layout that makes it more fun and more cool than all of the other bogus poker sites.

What you get is weird things like not being allowed to see a player is officially a Bronze Star. Truly pointless since the big ass star next to your avatar shows that you are wasting your time on this free money game.

And better yet - how long ago was it that observer chat was locked down and completely unavailable? It's been a couple of years now. Why? Is there anything really going on in the chat that would damage you? Is it because you have to create bogus sites to defend your game and the constant berating, because the math doesn't work, bothers you?

It's as simple as that. The biggest Poker site on the Internet doesn't allow you to chat unless you are sitting at the table. All of the billions of dollars they have and the games are infested with mindless fucktards.

Major News on PokerStars!

You got that right! There's a new update, an improved version of the software! Surely this will address all the serious issues. Things like making new players to a table with a huge wait list not doing something stupid like having their avatar show "Sit Out." It will surely punish those that use a huge amount of time to be annoying just for the sake of being annoying. Like taking their buy in and automatically booting them from the table. Or better yet deleting their dumbass account.

Or maybe players that have been adamant about avoiding chat when something bizarre like "My bike is red" is posted will be forced to at least post a meaningless two character "nh" or "ty." Or maybe the upgrade will prevent naughty words showing up in chat when nobody else can do it. You gotta block the naughty words in chat to support the integrity of the game and protect the two year olds. Even though you can name yourself 'cunt cunt' which should be automatically booted as an illegal name.

The best Internet poker has to offer now is

A font upgrade.

Seriously? Do you really fucking think at this point that what few addicted ostrich head in the sand clueless getting cheated morons cares about a fucking font upgrade? Will this font upgrade counter the massive PR negativity on how entire countries have banned Internet gambling?

I'm just all hyped up about moving to the Cayman Islands where I've stashed my illicit funds into offshore accounts and I can play with a font upgrade.

For more sarcasm, check out Tim Minchin. I must admit he's better than me.

Can you say database?

Which should actually be called data base. or dat abase. or datab ase.

Now let's remember this is supposedly an interface for card hungry heroes to match their skills with others. And I'm being told that I can't have my favorite name of pu stule. You got that right. Some fucktard jackwipe has already taken pu stule as their name.

The crack IT staff on PokerStars hasn't done any cleaning. No need to when it's just AI versus AI. But I can promise you this. Even if someone has an extremely low self esteem that wanted to call themselves pustule would accept the default of pustule197 instead of putting a space in the middle of pu stule.

I've never sat at a table with someone with a screen name of kan garoo, bel ated, verda nt or any other broken up put a space inside the name player. Why? Because real people don't do this. But here is PokerStars telling me that someoe has already taken that lu dicrous name.

I've played on Po kerStars far too long to just be so meone that had a bad beat on one ni ght and wanted to move on to what ap pears to be a satel lite site that cat ers to addic ted card pl ayers. I'm actu ally a pretty nice guy that has way too mu ch time on his hands. And be ing destru ctive instead of co nstructive is a he lluva a lot more fun for me.

So keep up the chea ting. At free mon ey tables! I'll g et ba ck to you tom or row since your cr ack IT staff is pr obably en joying the we eekend and wi ll not hav a f ix in place bef ore that.

The Deathbed Wish

I have a license to be insensitive. Mostly because I'm a shallow 'following around what the tiny head wants me to do' kind of guy. And through my tiny head's directions (that's a euphemism for penis if you didn't know) I've stumbled on to doing guy tiny head kind of stuff. Like beer, poker and football.

My Dad smoked too much, drank too much and the only exercise in the later years of his life was shaking the Yahtzee cup and marking down the score on his pad of Yahtzee scorecards. Congestive heart failure was what finished him off.

Part of my license to be insensitive is the chat on PokerStars. There's some idiot like 1TOAST that feels the need to post "ED" after every win. And this blog is mostly about the lack of humanity and how it's a relatively badly programmed database instead of an interface.

I highly doubt that you are on your deathbed at home with 1/3rd of your heart capacity and you're killing time by playing on PokerStars. It's not enough for PokerStars to defy math, now they have to defy medical science. Maybe this is just an advanced form of the "I have to go" trick where you are supposed to go all in without making a real game play position on what your cards are thinking that this chump is ready to lose.

Since I'm insensitive I don't care about your problems. When your heart is only working at 35% capacity you're probably lying in bed and wondering if you'll wake up the next day. With your immediate family next to you crying. And you're not using the last energy your frail dying body has to enjoy poker on one of the most meaningless tables that is out there.

The cards are fake.
The players are fake.
The chat is fake.

Fake you PokerStars

Adults Only

And before the possible lock down on stupid names nobody would take....

Vulgarity. I kind of like that word since it starts with the same three letters as vulpicide, but I digress (note to self - check to see if digress has already been take as a user name.)

Asshole. I can believe this name. But we are bordering on the fringe (note to self- check to see if fringe has been taken as a player name) of common decency that a global website should be caring about.

Fucking? That's taken as a name? All of the billions of dollars going through this site and you let someone name themselves 'fucking?' The proper response is to tell me to get a less offensive name. But here we have evidence that I can take it as a user name, even if I have to add some numbers after it.

Suck balls? Surely the PokerStars IT staff has fun with this, but to allow it as a screen name that someone picked is really weird. So let's get to the next one. Butt sex. A bit of a downgrade (note to self...check if downgrade has been taken as a player name) but it's still offensive to the two year olds that infest this site.

Anal beads. Yeah, right.

And it's not like the shorter words of 'fuck' are already taken and the crack IT staff have locked it down. I can put naughty letters into some other letters and still have it get through the homeland security screening procedure. Or whatever lame procedure PokerStars uses as their "caring so much about the integrity of the game" uses.

When you get to the point of trying to make a user name of 'cunt cunt' and it doesn't work, there are some serious issues. Even the most mentally challenged idiot that wanted to use the word cunt as their screen name probably wouldn't name themselvezs 'cunt cunt.'

Yep, cunt179 was already taken. So to define (note to self - check if define has already been taken as a user name.) So I reject your default of being known as cunt179 and I'm naming myself cunt cunt.

So FU PokerFrauds. How are you going to explain this?

There's no good excuse for this

Really? There's somebody out there that stole my most wanted moniker of luciferous?

Priapsm? That's when a guy can't have relief from a constant erection. Which is something that the dickless creators of this registration process will never have.

Abderian? Did you even know what the word meant when you chose it for your screen name?

Ablutomania?

Absquatulate?

Acephalous?

These aren't the screen names of an ordinary person. These are the poorly thought out product of a database trying to make it look more realistic by snatching words in a dictionary that someone might want to try and take.

I can understand it if I tried to name myself 'fireman.' There are lots of volunteer fireman that want to kick back and play a few relaxing hands of poker. (Which is a huge oxymoron on this site. Note to self....check if oxymoron has been taken as a screen name.)

I've barely cracked the letter a and I come up with all kinds of obscure words that someone has taken for their name. And I didn't have to sit at a single table and worry about the inevitable bad beat.

We here at The Big Lay Down specialize in thinking outside the box and investigating something other than the cards. Locking down observer chat - you can silence some of your critics that way. Heck, if I was a fucktard admin trying to make it look for real I would want to get away from that. But blocking registration before even playing a single hand?

No good excuse. And at this point in time I doubt that PokerStars has the ability to correct the registration error without spending millions to keep up the facade (note to self - check if facade has been taken as a name) to what surely must be a dwindling cast of real money chumps that think it's for real.

Next week - maybe the letter 'b' but there's way too many obscure 'a' words.

Vulpicide

As I'm being cheated constantly (on free money tables!) I resort to one of my old tricks where I don't actually have to sit at the table and get cheated.

The Name Game. Does someone really have low enough self esteem to name themselves Pustule? Boy howdy yes. Pustule has been taken as a username.

I can break open my dictionary and load in a ton of innocuous words to choose as my screen name-

That have already been taken.

Vulpicide. Actually not in common dictionaries, but is still out there. It means killing a fox. While fox murder is not at the forefront of my thoughts I do think about why someone would create a word for it. And why someone would actually express themselves as an individual by taking that as their screen name.

Snot. I can understand that. Some two year old managed to login. Everybody's doin' it pickin' and chewin' it. Don't think it's funny because it's snot!


If you're at the point in your life where you name yourself vulpicide you might as well name yourself snot. Because your not doing the site any favors with your bogus name.

PokerStars Supernova Elite

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You can expect massive milestone bonuses? You promise that? Nice PR spin. Rope in the few real money players that haven't caught on to the scam.

Silver Star

OK. Let's deconstruct this.

"The third level is loaded with benefits. It's" been created to..." Really? Like kicking ass and earning money isn't enough? Loaded is a pretty big word to be throwing around here. Loaded means something like alotsa (real word.) Alotsa stuff. The neighbor girl has alotsa boobige (also a real word.) Apparently the only real benefit is some different configuration of stars around your avatar. Which you can't get by playing free money tables, jackwipe.

"It's been created to reward your current play and inspire..." Yeah, right. Created a level in the middle of a ladder game? Every schoolboy that has watched the Olympics knows that you start at bronze, go out drinking and win a chrome medal for not puking and then you get to silver and gold.

"You enjoy earning points faster..."

Your VIP store intrigues me. I have to play real money hands to get points good for the PokerStars store? Like I really want a visor or T-shirt showing my love for this non-random crap?

"spending your points in better ways and playing more VIP tournaments."

This is kind of a personal decision. So I get to Silver Star. And magically I'm going to spend my points in better ways, because that is what this level has to offer. I can hardly wake up from my drunken stupor.

And my oh my, you have to keep playing for real money to keep you in good standing to keep winning precious points that basically do nothing other than get you a small discount on the online store.

Let's see what Supernova Elite has to offer.

Human Nature and AI in Internet Poker

Fact #1 - Getting a Bronze Star on PokerStars requires playing for real money at one time.

Fact#2 - US players are not allowed to play for real money anymore.

Fact#3 - It's way too easy to start off with 2,000 free money chips. It's a free reset.

Assumption #1 -So these various players I have on the screen shots have 'residual' stars from the time when they were allowed to play for real money.

Assumption #2 - If you're willing to play for real money, then if you need your poker fix so bad that you are stlll willing to play at free money tables you would seek a challenge.

Aw come on! Who the fuck do you think your kidding? One of these starred players bought into one of these meaningless low level tables with 1,000 chips instead of the allowed 2,000 chips which he/she/it surely must have had before joining.

Playing for real money requires a sense of self esteem on the level of your skill. Filling space on a meaningless 20/40 fixed limit stud hi/lo table makes you look insecure and incompetent.

Make up your mind. You can't have it both ways.

Let's Get Some New Star Levels on PokerStars

It's obvious that the poker community is bored. Here we have a real money player at one of the most meaningless tables available. There isn't a pennies blinds table available that this guy is excited about playing about. And we can assume he's so bored with the free money games that even playing a slightly higher level table is Infra Dig. Not playing more than one table - just one 1/2 free money table.

Me and my crack team of Star naming levels of announcing your superiority have come upon the solution to get these players back "in the fold" and excited about losing to rigged poker. New Stars levels for free money games!

The first and most obvious needed addition is the ShitStar. This is for everyone that plays Turbo Guts or Rage. Give them a ShitStar so everyone knows that they mean serious business by not playing competitively.

Next we have the CumStar. This is for the players that cum to a huge waiting list that they will never seriously have a chance to play at.

The ToastStar is for everyone that ever sat at a table with 1Toast and was subjected to the overused joke.

The honorary HotelForDogs Star (because I think that position has been retired.) Once you've sat through at least five hours of chat that makes absolutely no sense.

TimeStar - Ten consecutive tables where you use the time bank every hand. Platinum TimeStar for timing out without playing on every single hand. You earned it for being that annoying.

FoldStar - Fold when you could have checked. This takes some serious poker skill and should be rewarded accordingly.

And let's not forget the ScamStar. Everyone that works for the site that is way underpaid to try and make it look real and has failed so miserably. Your work deserves to be acknowledged.

Meaningless Tables

If someone is low level real money player you would expect them at the baby tables which have limits as low as .10/.25, or maybe lower. Here's a table mostly full of real money players that have actively avoided playing these tables and chose the most meaningless table on the planet.

And there's a waiting list. You couldn't find a .10/.25 game that excited you. So instead of playing fucktard jacwkipe all in or fold you sat at a meaningless table

Look at the Stars on My Avatar

There's some collateral damage out there with PokerFrauds push to 95 billion hands. And it's pretty easy to find. By their own rules, as a real money player you start at a Bronze Star, which gives you a star on your avatar in the southeast. Then you play hard and rise up to newer heights.

To get to 95 billion bogus hands PF has created a ton of AI that doesn't have to follow the rules. This investigation was started because of the opposite scenario - why would a starred player waste their time on the most meaningless 5/10 free money game? Because a hand has been dealt and it counts towards the 95 billion.

I can understand it if I see a full real money table where one player doesn't have a star. But when you look at one where nobody has a star it's just plain stupid. Did these guys purposefully put through an effort to shed the star on the avatar? And if so, what is the advantage? Everyone is just raising like crazy so it's not like it's a "tell."

Something I've been meaning to do for a while. This blog has been more in the face of Internet poker fraud than any other. The great debate on whether it is rigged or not has crappy forums loaded with players whining about getting cheated. Somewhere by now I should have had a visitor that makes their living by playing poker and either attack me or tell me that I have a good point.

The peanut gallery is silent.