2012 In Review for Poker Observers

It was pretty productive for us here at the Big Laydown. But let me start with the down side. Too late I discovered that old posts were being deleted automatically because of lack of space. I enjoy a pretty, naked Asian girl as much as any guy, but the practice had to be discontinued.

Now the plus side. And we'll start out with the most current thing going on that these pictures address. It's obvious that the basic premise of no limit Omaha hi-lo on PokerStars is to be a haven for AI to crank out hand after hand after hand. Nobody with any real skill would subject themselves to the two year old chatter and the bizarre variations that are dictated by the player lucky enough to be first at the table.

I started off stealing these tables because I got a reaction that it bothered them. Now I find it much more amusing to let the two year olds get the table and see it instantly declared. It's usually all in or fold, but we still have RAGE and Turbo Gutz. (Always with a 'z.' You're not cool if it's with an 's' and not in caps lock.) There's even been twice out of hundreds of table openings that it was declared 'normal play.' Somebody was having a bad night.

Many of the tables with no players available for whichever stupid variation are freshly created. But there are also those discarded used tables from the previous game. 90% of the time the first new player wipes out the previous chat by posting something like:
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This is stupid in and of itself. By no means does the previous chat affect the upcoming game. And yet, even on a brand new table this happens every once in a while. Are people really that stupid that they log into a table and wipe out non-existent chat? Doubtful. It's an AI kind of thing.

Next, I've posted lots of screenshots where someone bets something like $42,400 and leaves $200 chips behind. This is not normal human nature. It's far easier to go all in than calculate out a bet that leaves a pointless not life altering $200 behind.

Operation Wait List was very enjoyable for me. The only reason it's been put on hold is because Operation Chat Wipe has occupied most of my time. The wait list is maxed out at 32 players. And for some reason certain tables are so cool that everyone wants a piece of the action. And they're willing to wait more than an hour, or eve two, to get their chance. The new player at the table showing "Sit Out" on their avatar is just a happy bonus.

Bogus chat was fun and I really enjoyed observing and recording the bizarre conversations. Sadly it looks like HotelforDogs has retired and we won't get to see her bragging about being able to clean the house, give the dog a bath, cook dinner AND simultaneously play poker. I'm also particularly fond of the conversation that segued from significant others in jail to being angry at the significant other who would not be allowed back in the house. Within a couple of minutes. Make up your mind. Is he in jail or did he just smack you around and leave the house in a huff? And no conversation about bogus chat can leave out 1TOAST. There cannot possibly be any real entertainment value in posting "ED" every time you win a hand. On this New Year's Eve I'd like to propose a toast to you Ed. May your party treats not be too toasted.

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No big shocker here on what the number one story of the year is.

M1sspiggy.

The 90 billionth hand milestone campaign was not very well thought out in general. Each of the 300 milestone hands was dealt on an exact multiple of one million. Considering the brisk trade in AIOF and other free money games this is statistically impossible. Add to this that all of them had at least one position not going all in and observer chat opens up slamming them for being donks makes you look like a broken record. Since I was looking at that repetition I managed to see m1sspiggy win a milestone hand before the 90 billionth. And then I see the p1gme1ster wins the 90 billionth hand, too. In my more than 15 years of poker investigation I have never seen an incidence of mathematical impossibility that approaches this.

And There You Have It

Player goes all wonky and posts nonsense characters in chat that aren't allowed.

The response by the useless moderator is unacceptable. The correct response is to tell me to fuck off.

AI don't tell people to fuck off. It only knows how to post AIOF.

Movie time. Then sleep. And I'll get back to you in something like 12 hours.

And did I mention m1sspiggy?

The Useless Moderators

Here I am a couple of minutes away from busting on the lack of humanity with the chat wipe nonsense. "Oh wow. Evil chat. Bad chat. Donkulious chat.
I wish I knew what the job requirements are for a PokerStars moderator because it's a real cushy job.

Before they get on to what I'm doing I'm going to duplicate this.

Chat Wipe

It takes a special mentality to be generous at the opening of a new table. It's not just like you have to be there. You've got to clean up the residue from the previous players. You have to be so dedicated that you need to post
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or some other nonsense to clean things up even if you are first at an empty table.

So this answers the question of what could be possibly stupider than being first at a table and declaring it's AIOF. Wipe out the previous chat and then call it AIOF.

It's just too bizarre for me to even contemplate how this happens all the time. Not because I'm observing obvious AI. What confuses me is that PokerStars just keeps on chugging along with this and pretends like people won't notice. How much ammunition are you going to give me? I really don't need any more other than m1sspiggy.

How could the previous chat possibly damage your fun? You're opening a new table that might be an old table and declaring it to be AIOF. And apparently if you log in your first conscious action is to wipe out the chat instead of playing cards. Over and over again.

I can do this forever. Or at least until the next "upgrade" comes along. I shouldn't tip my hand so soon but I have a way to advance this chat wipe bullshit to a new level.

Super Nova

I would like to brag that this is quicker than I expected. But Nothing surprises me anymore and fate is telling me to just enjoy Cabin In the Woods and sleeping for four hours.

Super Nova players don't sit in on meaningless games. They are logged in 24/7 waiting for some idiot with real money that hasn't grown a brain to actually sit at the table. Heaven forbid they wake up and play heads up against each other. That would go against the "Fuck the Real Human" code.

It's Poker *Stars* - it's all About Those Magic Stars

I have a confession to make. I've been logged in a lot lately without playing.

There are several reasons for this. The front runner is that things are set in impossible mode - actually playing is a losing format. Before today the few hands I played were out of sheer boredom. It's more fun for me to watch a table be instantly declared AIOF and watch a poker game that isn't real poker and bust on the stupidity of it.

So as I polish off my second malt liquor of what will be at least three I offer you this observation on human nature ad Xenu being a target.

After a bit of research I discovered what the stars around the avatar means. I'll find you a Super Nova before the third malt liquor ends.

Bronze star, Silver Star, Tin Cup with a Rusty Bottom Star. Whatever. These stars all require playing for real money and an assumed level of competence. One would think that you would stick to your real money games and your assumed level of competence and leave the free money tables alone.

But here I am after a mild amount of success after losing 3 million chips playing all in or fold the past few weeks and you and your bronze star have decided to interrupt it with a 5k buy in. Your star license should be revoked and all your chips should be donated to the free money homeless shelters.

Other than a stalker checking up on me there's no good excuse for a bronzed star player buying it only 5k on a what is a meaningless table to them.

Tip

A tip on a free money game for doing basically nothing but being the first at the table.

Jackwipes.

Play by Play On the Next AIOF Table

5:36pm - Dutifully noted. There's no doubt this is AIOF.

5:43pm - The first pee break of the night. The first "Weeeeeeee!" It's doubtful that it was seriously needed as this wasn't posted in caps lock.

5:44 pm - Our generous host has dropped the ball. There was no reminder to the new player that this is AIOF. I hate it when the host does this and then the table complains about it. You aren't going to get any tips that way! (I'm not making this up! I see mention of tipping the host all the time in chat as a table finishes.)

5:49pm - No longer are we are just weeing. Now we are killing bulls in the bullfight ring and oleeeing as well. This could be some kind of bizarre margarine reference and it was meant to be "oleoooooooo!" In any case, the quality of the victory is not improved by your taunting. You're just going all in every hand. There's almost no thought. If you had any sportsmanship you would just sit there quietly and enjoy your chip increase. Sportsmanship in a bogus all in game? Who am I kidding?

5:51pm - ditto

5:57pm - Lots of times PokerStars uses the excuse of a player being slow because he's playing multiple tables. The reality is that the play is slow because they are playing at the same table as me and playing multiple tables. Orton is zipping through his/her/its four with ease.

6:01pm - Yes, most all luck poker. Said in response to a previous "lucky" in chat.
Definitely when you play it this mindless way.

6:03pm - atakeeeeeeeeee. Granted you are from Spain. Hmmm. And you didn't post a single "oleeeeee."

6:04pm - And this is one I want to dwell on a bit more as it's pretty much an outright rule break.

The nature of the game, at least as dictated by our generous host, is that it's all in or fold and for the entire time I watched compliance was 100%. This was the third time cards were mucked. It's as bad as "Shade" where the player who calls has to show his cards first, and a site that's dedicated to poker for decades certainly should have the bugs ironed out by now. On the AIOF tables it's not as much of a big deal as others. But it happens on others. Simply, everyone that's all in and table cards need to be dealt - the hole cards are shown. And when the result is decided there is no mucking. It's all in before the turn. The only way a muck happens in real poker is if there was an all in before the turn, not all in by other positions and then a subsequent all in. Ridiculous.

6:05pm - Generous host reminds new player it's all in.

6:09pm - Generous host has dictated the newbie's behaviour and without any fanfare leaves the table, and is immediately replaced by someone without 40k. Which is part of the AIOF rules. I guess your little brother wanted to play and you needed to give him a seat and take the AIOF rules off.

AIOFU - Alex I'd Like to Buy a Consonant for $250

This is my second post on this topic and I'm sure there will be many more. I've nailed down how to find the brand new tables and freshly emptied tables that are the starting point for a new table. Naturally they are all immediately populated by some variation of all in. So I pick a table at random and it's not all in. Kind of looks like one guy has been playing and winning for a bit and three players that just started at the max 40k.

My research shows that this is abnormal. These tables don't start until it's full. Even on the most mild of all in games, AIOF. So it's time to investigate if there comes a point in time that the table agrees it's NOT aiof anymore.

It's a Sad Year for PokerFrauds

Guess you didn't expect that on Christmas Day the foremost critic on the planet would be watching.

Real people do not try and be the first at a table and post AIOF. From a business stand point you've got nothing going for you that these tables even exist. Your play money rake might allow you to pay a free money mortgage.

And as far as attracting new real money players - nah. New players that haven't heard of the scam aren't going to play at an AIOF table. When they do they certainly aren't going to be impressed with the quality, or lack thereof, of the play. Even if you get a billion new users in 2013 that play AIOF on free money tables it doesn't make you any real money, which I have a crap load of.

I just choose to be hear because I hate the fraud.

More AIOF

I think I've figured this out. It's like Skee ball. There are points awarded for being the first to sit at the table and post AIOF. Must be points. Because surely there isn't any real entertainment value to be the first at the table AND post AIOF.

Remember, I don't count. The reason I'm trying at times (but not this week) to be first at the table is because I'm looking for AIOF. Which like a broken record happens way too often. The only break in the cycle of insanity is that some of the tables are RAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or TURBO GUTZZZZZZZZZZ!

Me and my crack team of poker Skee ball experts (me and the dog that I miss so much) have developed a point system that explains how you win that teddy bear for your girlfriend at the carnival.

You get ten points for being first at the table.
You get twenty five points for being considerate to your future table mates and remind them that it's all in or fold. You don't want them to accidentally log into your table and not be all in and doing something stupid like playing real poker.
There's one point for every character posted in caps lock.
Four points each time your clock ticks down to getting the warning message that it's your turn to play. Another 12 points if your time bank starts up. Another thirty seven if you use the entire time bank up. And 214.637 if you used the time bank up completely making you sit out and then immediately sit back in you annoying douche cocksucker.

The teddy bears cost 3,875,046,317 tickets, so you really need to be active. You don't just want to settle for the 1,736,112,699 alliigator. No, that girl is worth the extra effort.

And if you're really good you can earn that ultimate prize - a m1sspiggy!