HoustonHunny

Yeah, right.

My bullshit detector went up to apocalypse level on this.

What are the odds that I complain about "hun" being posted in chat and I meet up with a real live person that has acquired enough chips to play on Omaha Hi Lo 40k buy in and name themselves HoustonHunny? It's pretty unlikely that the more natural HoustonHoney was already taken.

I'm reflecting on my days at Ultimatebet when I was fed a continuous parody ofmy screen name.

This was a position created by a bored admin at an odd time in the morning which I don't normally play at. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I'll go to bed at 5pm and sleep for 5 hours and immediately log in because when I'm off the normal schedule the really weird shit happens.

Good night Hunny. I'm going to watch two episodes of The Mentalist and Battleship sleep until 2pm and get up and screw with you again.

Or maybe since you read this blog to discover what you are doing wrong I'll go to bed now.

Reminder - it takes you a hell of a lot more energy to rig the hand than for me to fold it. And I've got a ton of chips to fold with. Bring on the not random cards.

Finding a Game, or Maybe Not

Please take note of the upper left showing the table name and the lower right showing the time.

When I first found Longie Boy (Can I call you that? Lon? The Lonmeister? Lonalicious? Big Daddy Lon?) he/she/it was putting some real money, or maybe not, at 12 different low level real money tables. This is before 6 pm EST. Now here it is just before 2 am EST and he/she/it is still locked in mortal combat with the same opponent.

It's a staring contest. The first that blinks loses.

I could be kind and try to make some points rationalizing why two people would show up at so many tables and sit out against each other without others joining. I could be kind and try and guess why it would be fun to stay logged in for six hours and not play, but let me just cut to the chase and say that it's bullshit.

Since, paradoxically, not acting rational is one of my super human talents I can and will continue to find this. No sane human that by law isn't allowed to play at these tables would ever bother even looking at them. And I have the confidence of knowing that on so many tables with different seating arrangements that being accused of Photoshopping this would take way too long.

It's a hiccup in the AI registration process. It's not real people, but the server presenting two fake positions that aren't programmed to wake up and play against each other.

Observer chat has been shut down at all tables. I can't copy chat and paste it into Babylon anymore. I predict that the "Find a Player" option in the lobby is the next upgrade PokerStars makes because it doesn't serve them any benefit. AI doesn't search for AI and I search for AI.

Finding a Game

Let's log in to 12 different table and wait for a game to start. And when one starts lets sit out.

If you are really serious about the need to play just buy in to a lower level table.


Jackwipe

All In or Fold

AIOF as it's called. This is just a watered down version of bingo/rage/turbo guts. And it's taken me all the way 30 minutes on two tables to figure out my opponent's strategy on these tables. You go all in when you have an ace or any pair. Deal the cards and let God sort them out.

Complain when the AI stalking me sits and doesn't play by your stupid not for real poker rules. And then don't leave the table when the AI stalking me doesn't play by your rules.

I was a perfect gentleman and either went all in or folded.

So why did these other blokes join the wait list?

Because the registration part of the program can'thelp but follow the foremost critic on the planet around.

The Huns Continue to Ransack the Chat

I've got a bit of a problem. I have nobody to call 'hun.' And since my existence is hardly ever acknowledged at the tables I sit on I can't even get a 'hun' out of someone I've played against before.

Last night's Dear Hunter scenario was just a small speed bump into looking at the world of the Mongol hordes. And, yes, his is a bit cowardly since I've pegged Hotelfordogs as a constant 'hunner' but still, here it is again.

It doesn't matter if it's hun or dear. The mere fact that these alleged people feel the need to post it every single hand is astronomically stupid. But I understand it because any meaningful pre-recorded chat inevitably fails the reality test.

And what is stupider than posting hun every hand? Abbreviating it to the letter h.

Operation Dear Season

This is really a subset of Operation Attila. And if PokerStars is trying to make me think that this invalidates my previous messages about how it's always hun, it's far from it. You've merely substituted dear for hun. And to see it so many times in such a short time span. Let's just say these two year olds need some serious medication.

I'm reminded of The Simpsons episode where Milhouse is cast as the sidekick of Radioactive Man. "I've said jiminy jillickers so many times it's lost all meaning."

The only value of posting dear or hun after every single hand that I can think of is that maybe there's some bizarre drinking game going on. If you don't win the hand take a drink. If you don't give up the term of endearment take a drink.

Instead of invalidation this provides validation. Like I've thought this blog is being read by PokerStars staff and has made a rather inadequate adjustment to yet another thing I've pointed out is bogus. Considering the longevity of this blog and the wide array of mistakes that have been made I doubt they can keep up with me. Some of the fixes create additional problems.

So PS, the ball is in your court as I serve you this. I still look at things other than the bogus chat. And for card play, you can't beat the existence of these Rage/Turbo Guts tables. Do you have the cajones to get rid of them? I don't think you do. Because I've figured out that the two year old chat and two year old play are purposeful so that a sane and talented poker player wouldn't want anything to do with the table. Let's make the No Limit Omaha Hi Lo tables so nauseating that we can have the AI crank out millions of hands a week.

Chat That Doesn't Make Sense

This was the table I thought for sure was going to produce someone calling someone else 'hun.' That didn't happen, but it was comically bad enough to be worth a mention. And I see this on a regular basis. This is just one example.

The conversation is really intense. After a bit of analysis it's obvious that these people are talking about prison time. Spankme posts about her being upset that her husband has been convicted to five years of hard time. In less than a minute she's posting about a previous fight and her husband is leaving the house and she's laughing her ass off that she's glad he's leaving and the welcome mat for him is gone.

Needless to say there is some serious contradiction going on here.

1TOAST

I've seen this before. I'm just not sure if I posted it before. Even if I made mention previously this is useful reinforcement. Toasty does not play like a real human being. At this time he was playing on two tables, both with the patented supposed to be but it's not to me tactic of being there with a million chip buy in. The baboons are laughing.

What is damaging about the nature of Toasty isn't just the annoying ED joke. It isn't the one million chip buy in. It's the refreshing the stack when you lose something as small as two thousand chips. If the cards are random and there's any kind of skill I would think 100k to 200k from start to finish would be sufficient to get through one night's play on a bad night.

The Beggar

I did not find a hun tonight. Despite significant time in the red light district. My heart skipped a beat for a second when someone meant to say 'hmm' and posted 'hum' instead. Attila is taking a night off. But my travels lead me to three separate chat issues to blog about tonight.

This nonsense about begging for chips is a fairly recent invention. I never saw it before his year. It's just another low maintenance excuse to pre-record some chat that on the surface looks like it might make sense. There's someone at the table with a huge stack. Idiot goes all in and loses. Then pretends to be out of chips and begs for more. Starts with the big stack, naturally. Certainly someone with a million at the table can afford enough for the table minimum.

Technically against the rules but someone has to complain to the moderator about it.

Hun of the Day

Time for a multiple choice quiz. I will give you some additional information to help you make your pick. Operation Attila has not been so spectacularly successful since its integral part in helping the Allies win WWII. My first focus after logging in is to find a table with "hun" posted in the chat. So it's an active effort, not just waiting to stumble on it. I did find one. A bunch of ragers complaining about the crasher that's not part of their little dumb ass raging clique. One got fed up and left in a huff and posted about this being their last hand, "hun."

Did this take:

a) Less than five minutes
b) Fifteen minutes
c) Forty minutes
d) One hour and five minutes
e) One hour and twenty minutes

If you guessed answer 'a' you are correct.

After looting and pillaging all day Attila always got back to the hut before his wife. Never knowing if he was in one of his drunken and suly moods she always made a point of announcing her arrival so as not to startle him. "Hi Hun. I'm home!"

What's Winnie the Pooh's favorite sexual activity? Sticking his hand in his hunny.

What killed Attila? The Hunta virus.

Did you know Attila's daughter was the best speller in her school? She won every Hunny Bee the had.

Stupe (real word) Chat

And there we have it again.

im gona let bk in to move the line faster to mags

never see you guys except like a courtucy hi n poof

jenn was cold this mom

ty hun

we have the rabbit safe and sound.

gonna let sue in be in lobby

mags son is here she brb

Sorry to interrupt your private table.

If this is the next generation of our planet we are totally fucked. At best there is a two year old in charge of seating. Maybe I'm just jealous that I haven't been included in this little club that gets to go all in every hand and win.

In the Internet poker world they have an excuse for a player with a ton of chips called "banking." Mags didn't bank. Just moved from one seat to another at the same table.

I haven't seen this stupid chat since "I will sign up for the quit." The reigns appear to be in the hands of two year non English speaking idiots.

Since gotta work tomorrow and I want to watch some footy ball I'm going to count this as day three for Operation Attila. Three consecutive days with 'hun' being posted.