The Business of Internet Poker

Let's pretend that Internet poker and PokerStars in particular is a legitimate business. Whoever is in charge of advertising should be sacked. It's been days since the bogus 100 billionth hand has been dealt and the road to 100 billion hands is still being touted.

Yeah, right. You have enough cash to magnanimously pay off two million of prizes, but you don't have enough cash to pay the advertising and IT staff to log in and do some basic maintenance.

This is the equivalent of retail store employees pushing flyers for their Memorial Day weekend sale into the face of everyone that passes by two weeks after Memorial Day.

Artificial intelligence doesn't care about advertising.

And There We Have It

Since PokerStars ignores the randomness of their own payoff formulas, including players at a table don't get a payoff when their own written rules get a payoff they've magically paid just a tad over 2 million they they called days ago. It's not like they decided to present that players were more active and luckier than they expected and had to distribute 2.2 million. It's not like they had to write that they were embarrassed or disappointed that they only gave away 1.7 million. No, it's pretty much spot on that they hit the advertised target.

When a site that has obvious amounts of artificial intelligence that can control the outcome on every table with a little nudging this is a hollow victory. Because there are people that notice. I might be the most vocal. But I have in my years seen that others are watching.

So I will continue to try to turn this into a pro-PokerStars event into anti-critic damage control.

Remember. The math is on our side.

Two Million Dollars Worth of Payoffs

Well that's confidence. Look at how PokerStars is being so magnanimous and declares that all these lucky players will be sharing in two million dollars of rewards cash. Like there was a committee for advertising that said, "Let's give out two million dollars of rewards on milestones cash! We are sure to rope in all the play money players that weren't impressed by hooking Rafa in!"

The problem is that these alleged milestone reward hands are based on weird formulas where things like amounts bet, frequent player points and doubling the amount for the lucky winner. If there was any sense to the claim they would admit it's an estimate and say something sensible like "at least two million."

But we all know by now that PokerStars doesn't really operate based on math.

No Observer Chat on Milestone Hands

I'm not really sure what interest there is for the casual player in even bothering to watch these milestone hands. This was the exception in my investigation to the push for 100 billion hands dealt where three players folded. The previous two milestone hand celebrations had liberal inane comments about what dumb asses the players were for not going all in.

So I try to picture the personality that wants to see these hands played out. And maybe cheer for their favorite player name in the same manner that a ponies gambler picks based on the color of the sash on the beast and the number.

There's a reason that there is no longer observer chat after the hand. Everyone is either all in or folds - no actual betting strategy. And PokerStars doesn't do themselves any favors by producing non-existent players chatting about the strategy, because there is no strategy.

Please note that they proudly report that before the hand the minimum payoff is shown next to the avatar. Alas poor cska2013-12 is showing a goose egg. Must not have blown the right PokerStars employee this week. The Commentator, a typical spud, so let's call him a common tater, proudly reports that everyone at the table won at least US dollars 192.75. Umm. No. cska won naught, nada, butkus, diddly. And it doesn't complain.

This is the kind of thing that happens when AI plays and there are pre-programmed fictional results where the competition has as much seriousness as professional wrestling.

Again

Exact multiple of a million hands. Prizes in US Dollars.

And no observer chat on the all in dumb ass play.

Maybe someone with half a brain cell left might think that despite the possibility of a big payoff that maybe the should fold the crap hand?

The Milestone Madness Is BACK!!!!!

Some of the problems remain. One thing different - no observer chat after the hand was over. Not much to chat about since observer chat was always "I can't believe these idiots didn't go all in! If I was at a milestone hand I'd be all in!"

So let's focus on the things that don't make sense. Again these milestone hands occur on an exact multiple of one million. Odds are that it would hit a nine player table and be a hand that was a tad bit above an even multiple of one million. I've never seen one that wasn't an exact multiple of one million. For a game based on probability this is staggeringly inexcusable.

The wait list grows like those that want to watch this entertaining all in festival like they think the table will magically have lightning strike twice.

And despite the fact that US players aren't allowed to participate the prizes are in US dollars.

All In: The Poker Movie

Shade, without a doubt, is the worst poker movie ever made. A lack of understanding simple concepts like table stakes and who has to show their cards when a bet is called. And they even steal a line of dialogue from a great movie, "House of Games."

There is a contender. All In: The Poker Movie

The first point of amusement is that they generously call it a "movie." For a start on the road to credibility it should have been named "All In: The Poker Documentary." But they can't because it's not a documentary. It's an advertisement.

Let's take a flash back to 1972. A couple of years earlier my mathematician Dad introduced me to chess. I doubt there is a purer game of brain vs. brain skill. Dad eventually stopped playing with me because I kicked his ass every time. So as a ten year old chess addict I had an outlet for my love of the game when PBS televised the match between Fischer and Spassky.

Fischer was a complete douchebag. Spassky was a gentleman. Here I am a US citizen in the middle of the Cold War cheering for Spassky. (Cut me a break, I was 10.)

Here is chess on TV promoting a bland product. And it worked because of the commentary. A little bit of eye candy to move the chess piece on the board. Expert commentary trying to predict the next move. I find myself trying to predict the next move. I have nowhere near the skill level of these guys. (Cut me a break, I was 10.)

Interest in chess in the US soared after this. I eventually retired after achieving a rating close to Master when I found out I'd never get really good.

So like lots of other math geeks I take an interest in poker. It was my arcade and pizza money income in college.

So Internet poker gets off to a wildly high level of interest ala chess. And the gals and guys watching TV have the same promotion of the bland product. The TV viewer can see the hole cards and try to predict what will happen. The guy that flopped three queens lost to a straight on the river! Yippeee! That was exciting! Let me break out my check book and get in on this action!

My how convenient that these big poker tournaments have a lipstick camera. My how convenient that they can edit out all the stupid play. My how convenient that there are "characters" with wild personalities like Ferguson's card throwing, Lederer being the comatose patsy, Hellmuth being an obviously unprofessional dick.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to suggest these big money tournaments are rigged. What my point is that poker has been advertised and lauded as this great game. Where anyone can drop down a $100 deposit, get it matched. (Actually haven't seen that promo in awhile.) And flourish in a environment of lack of poker skill.

When Phil Ivey plays an Omaha Hi Lo table with a huge wait list and responds on his findings here, I might take two seconds to think about how I might be wrong. But the truth of me having played over a million hands and seeing stupid shit, like pocket kings in three consecutive hands is a tough nut to crack.

A Reminder of the Math Problems with Pokerstars

Naturally the marketing campaign is focused on what is going on with the magical 100 billionth hand.

Even though I don't owe PokerStars any warnings I'll give them this chance to change the program. In recent history I've focused on socializing an abused and neglected pitbull. But I promise I will be around for the 100 billionth hand.

At the 90 billionth milestone push every milestone hand was always dealt on a real money table. It's not like PokerStars ever tried to make a claim that these milestone hands were adjusted for the massive number of free money bullshit hands and they magically fall on an exact multiple of 100,000 hands. Think about it. There's more free money table play than real money table play. I've never seen a message that has said, "The admins have paused your free money table. There's a real money milestone hand. Play will continue when the magic, unrealistic M1ssPiggy crap is resolved."

Any poker professional that has ever read this blog and continues to buy in to the concept that you might be playing against real people every time is an ostrich head in the sand douche.

A One L Lama, That's a Priest

A two l lama, that's a beast. And I'll bet a silk pyjama there's no such thing as a JLlama.

Another poorly thought artificial intelligence position on Internet poker. A game that hardly can be considered real poker, i.e. thought, intellect and skill become a part of the reason that you would be there. At this table a relatively gihugic buy in. And you seriously expect a real game to start in a reasonable amount of time?

You'd be lucky to have one other idiot show up to play heads up against. And a third player to make it respectful. Totally out of the question.

For an industry that has a basis in randomness, odds and probability this is a huge cosmic joke. It's funnier than M. Night Shamaylan making a movie that anyone cares about anymore. It's funnier than Michelle Bachmann running for President. It's funnier than Scientology having any sense of credibility. (And if you're in that echelon things are realllllyyyyy bad for you.)

So clueless dumbassess, I offer you this hint. Spend a couple of bucks on a registration upgrade where it avoids a table that can't possibly be filled.