Cheating at Internet Poker

I can cheat at computer games with the best of them. Look at those RBI numbers. In less than one season I have three players with more RBIs than a lot of real baseball players have in a career.

It's empty and hollow other than proving my point. As the foremost expert of artificial intelligence pretending to be real people on the planet, I play my trump card again.

It takes time, energy and attention to play games against real people and be successful. Before bogus Internet poker took control of my life I spent a lot of time playing chess. This was a part of my life other than an irrational light globe falling down and just missing me moment. I got over it.

I moved on. Got a job other than Toys 'R' Us and shred the company of two fucking awesome dogs. I reflected on what I want to do for entertainment.

And that's when it struck me that it was time for my brain to die and just go all in on Internet poker.

Playing on PokerStars doesn't require any skill at poker. You just have to be the first at the table, declare which version of not poker it is. Math doesn't matter. Cards don't matter.
CAPS LOCK MATTERS.

This planet is fucked.

New TablesI

woke up at fourish (real word) and told myself, "Well self, the asshole neighbors are going to get noisy at 5:15am like clock work so to kill time I think I'll fuck with Internet poker."

There's a huge amount of incredible drama surrounding the occupation of a new table. And it's comical because the tables fill up within seconds and then it takes forever for the game to actually start.

These all in games are populated by the same players. Which means that you know you are in this exclusive dumb ass club and nothing is more important to you than going all in. It's so serious that despite the fact that it's a table that is going to come to a conclusion after twenty hands that there's someone waiting.

Log into PokerStars. Search for friends. Join wait list. Found friends not playing poker but just going all in.

No neighbor issues. No parent issues which for a two year old must be heaven. Nothing better to do with my life than being part of the global coordination of signing in to a new table and waiting until the "host" turns on the start butoon. maybe post something in caps lock along the way,

It's Not Rocket Science

Since I'm a real human being I've done something incredibly stupid. I've lived life outside of logging into PokerFrauds and going all in every hand.

Now don't get me wrong, this is still a topic I'm concerned about and I have made regular visits mostly just to try and be as annoying as possible.\

Let's put this in the weird and unthnikable category for now. It's not like the obvious fraud of m1sspiggy or Freckledmom.

If I join a table with these ridiculous variations of all in rules and I interrupt your non-poker all in fun then get it right. I'm XENU you caps lock jack wipes. It's only four characters.

Professional Poker Players Are a Joke

Let's start out with Turbo guts before the meat of this post.

Again we have the table filling up before the particular variation of not real poker is declared. There is some comical effort to make an excuse that the play doesn't start immediately. Working on creating a new all in table. I don't want my talentless all in friends to have to put up with the bullshit old chat. I must snatch every single table, globally coordinate a mass sit in. And then wait five minutes for a game I don't have to think about.

These all in players don't have to think about what they are going to do other than waiting until the table is full - crime against nature. Can't start an all in bullshit game without a full table.

Ages ago I had two people attack this blog and its messages. The first was a vulgarity filled rant that looked like a smear campaign political office campaign that did nothing to support the opponent but just tried to make the opponent look bad.

The second was a little bit more quiet. "Dude, your just playing for free money." As if that's supposed to make me not caring about winning.

I have a healthy skepticism about the Internet in general and PokerStars in particular. So when I got a fan, Jack, I was happy for the attention, but not a true believer that this was just not from one of those abundant spin doctor sites that promote how Internet poker is for real.

I find it hard to believe that a professional poker hasn't decided to comment on this blog. It's a cowardly challenge since I have way too much evidence like m1sspiggy. Surely there MUST be a professional poker player trolling the Web looking for an edge.

Last year in an insomical (real word) moment I dial switched to poker on TV. I did smile noticing that the final table had no ridiculous visors or shirts. But lack of support is not as good as negativity.


Math is our friend. It may be so useless as calculating the sales tax and what tip you leave the waitress. Global warming can be denied. The value of Rush Limbaugh can be denied. The value of David Miscavige to this planet can be denied. The value of Internet poker via Pokerstar, a site that just doesn't care about math and only cares about dealing millions of hands every day. Even it's just a server.

Surely Internet poker can't be this impossibly bad without someone with skill other than me noticing.

So I'll leave you with the top hit from a Google search of Internet rigged poker Either pro or con. Both of us at the Biglaydown want to know.

http://fuckpokerstars.com/

That's some serious dedication. A bit too over the top.

http://fulltiltpokerrigged.blogspot.com/

No that's spin doctor weird. Used to be called fulltilt is not random.

http://pokerdive.com/pokerist-club-texas-poker/

http://www.pokerboni.com/forums/smalltalk/2614-poker-ist-rigged
http://www.pokerboni.com/forums/smalltalk/2614-poker-ist-rigged

More Serious Cheating

You don't win at Season Ticket Baseball without some serious cheating. Here I am World Series winner and maxed out on fan loyalty, a crap load of money and it's to the point where it is going to get boring.

Not quite yet, but close. I still want to see if some of my rookies make an impact on the big league team. And maybe make some trades, although it's unlikely because the other managers always offer crap. And I want the new free agent star. I can afford him.

Oh my God. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why haven't I just edited all my players and click on simulate to the end? It might just be because there's not much of a challenge.

Poker on the Internet is supposed to be a challenge. Even on the free money games, so I don't want to hear you whine about it.

Let's find a turbo guts or rage table and watch them try to justify why it's even populated by two year olds that couldn't possibly have enough chips to play it.

Computer Games

There's one thing you can count on with a single player game of Civilization or what we have here, an obscure oldie, Season Ticket Baseball.

There is a known factor that you are not playing against real people. So cheating doesn't hurt anyone except the cheater.

Something I've learned from both Civ and this baseball game is that if you play it heads up without cheating you are destined to fail. The AI overcompensates for lack of any thought behind it by challenging you to overcome an impossible set of opponents that gradually get better. I collected my gold coins, ate some mushrooms, found the shotgun, killed the 1st level "boss" and saved the game. Sleep for two hours, trained some Orcs, raided a nunnery and I didn't have the foresight to raise my nun killing skills to level 3. Instead I chose to increase my picking locks skill. My hair is lice egg free, so I am content.

You don't get to the world series on Season Ticket Baseball without some serious time commitment. And this includes some serious time commitment on cheating.

So when you play a long term game, whether it's online or not, stuff happens that doesn't make any sense. You want a contract extension (actually misspelled in the database as contratc) and you want to tell me you would like to resign.

Resign? You're quitting? Oh, you mean re-sign. To sign on again.

This is exactly the way PokerStars operates. The AI doesn't care about grammar or math. It just keeps churning with no intelligence behind the facade of mindless fucktards that don't have anything better to do than go all in and post "GLLLLLLAAAAAAA"

It's been a long time since I've seen any chat and real play that makes me think I'm playing against real people.

PokerStars "Generosity" in the Wake of Being Exposed as a Fraud

This is lamer than lame. It's lamilecious. Lametastic. Lamifical. Lambedakappaphi.



My how generous of you. There aren't any silly upgrades like players on a huge wait list who don't just post "Sit Out" in chat. That message is shown on the avatar. The IT guys can take a break on this. Nobody at the table notices. And nobody notices that the 'cool' way to play is to use huge amounts of time including huge unsportsmanlike time bank usage.

I've noticed that stuffage (real word) and I'm proud to announce the fix is in place!

Did I mention the sarcasm?

Normal speed and fast speed tables are being merged into a single game speed. These players that were perfectly content to join a fast table where you don't have to worry about posting a single character of chat have now merged with their slower brothers and cisterns to average out the cosmic balance.

Personally, when I get cheated it, doesn't matter whether it's a fast table or one that pretends to be a table that might a have some minutiae that to the untrained eye makes it look like maybe you sat at a table full of real people.

Your useless 'upgrade' makes absolutely no fucking sense.

Internet Gambling Banned

I'm not sure I can take this seriously. I saw a reference to Internet gambling being banned in five countries. So I checked out what Google had to say about it. The reference said that five countries banned Internet gambling.

The upside is that if this is true there are a lot of concerned governments that are forcing the citizens to avoid the second biggest scam in the history of the planet.

The downside is that any more time I spend proving it is wasted and my relevance to the planet is ratcheted down a notch.

PokerStars Chat Copyrights

I can choose other examples, but since this is the one currently on my monitor I'll run with it.
You need to define yourself as important and different. So you can't just take charge of the table by posting AIOF. It's got to be <> or AIOF PLZ or ......AIOF.

From personal experience I've found that you can't copy and paste into PokerStars chat. Ima gonna use my copyrighted phrase here. Somehow this jackwipe has dedicated his life to opening new tables with (pardon the lack of counting the real number of spaces)

" AIOF"

It's ironic that the name is Just Clones.
It's also ironic that PokerStars uses this as an attempt to make it look like real people are playing and it has the opposite effect.

Thank you for your concern

Here we have it again. A player that sits at a brand new table and the first thought through the pea brain mind is to wipe out chat that doesn't exist.

The Insta-Table

I've been thinking, which is dangerous for me because I should be sleeping every once in awhile.

This business about declaring the game has another aspect that makes absolutely no fucking sense. The tables start to fill up BEFORE the game is declared. Real humans with cell phones coordinating sitting at the same table have no need to declare which version of not poker it is. And nobody has the reflexes to find a player and sit at the same table. Much less two, three or more players doing the same.

And they even post in the chat messages that they seem surprised to see one of their buddies is there. "gm Cliff" When Cliff sat at the table within 30 seconds of it being declared a rage table. Pardon me, it's not a rage table, it's a RAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE table.

PokerStars has a long climb up a rocky slope to make this look like it's real people.

I Can't Wait to Hear the Excuse

Operation Chat Wipe has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that virtually every new Omaha Hi Lo table is occupied by two year olds (AI) that declare there weird bullshit games. And yet somehow there manages to be some tables that squeak throw where you don't have to go all in.

Tell me exactly how these tables originated. I don't care for myself but the ew York Times, the staff of IGF (Internet Game Fraud) and the Wall Street Journal Cub reporter that keeps calling me even though I told him I don't want to speak about it want to know. (Sorry Wally, nothing personal.)

M!sspiggy.
Wiping chat on tables without chat.
Tables created that don't face the two year old all in rules.
Keep digging your own grave.

And The Cosmic Balance is Maintained

Yes, the chat wipe idiocy is still going on. But I'm irrational and unpredictable. Which is why Operation Wait List is still on the (giggle for pseuodo-poker reference) table.

The problem with these games is that unlike Omaha hi lo weirdness where there is a rush to create your table, the Hold 'em wait lists get to be extremely long. Maxed out at 32 all the time.

The idea that someone would join the wait list knowing that there's two hours before they single hand is amusing to me. You could be two thirds of the way through a movie. Serviced the significant other at least twice and taken the dog for a walk. And you waste your time joining a huge wait list.

I've seen how this goes multiple times. Eventually the waiters (and waitresses) give up and there is a mad flurry of sitting out activity.

Guess that table wasn't so cool after all.

And People Put Real Money into This?

Thank you US Justice Department for locking down people from this scam.

Operation Chat Wipe signs off for the night. Because, as I always do, find something that just makes no fucking sense.

I steal your virgin tables. You do the pointless chat wipe thingie on the non-virgin tables.



And you wipe the non-existent chat on a new table. Because that's what AI does.

You Really Have to Be Kidding

I want to buy something on Amazon. Got my credit card out. Damn you want the three numbers on the back of the card? What the hell is going on here?

OK, you're protecting me. It's not like I need it because Internet fraud is something I have made a part of my life.

Let's make the real human post a security code. For a free money table.

You have to post a security code to log in to a table where everyone goes all in? Just fucking go all in and save us all some time.

Can I ask You Something?

Now just like the useless chat wiping and mindless declarations of the table rules I've seen this phrase way too many times.
It's never "Hi Xenu, want to play AIOF?" It's not "How's the weather out there?" It's not, "Please leave the table, I'm waiting to play with my crack whore stripper friend trixie."

No, the broken record of AI chat always specifically says, "Can I ask you something?"

And there's not the annoying extra characters in caps lock. "CAN I ASKKKKK YOU SOMETHINGGGGGG?"
Well, you can ask if you want to. I'm probably not going to respond because the repetitive question just makes you look like jackwipe fucktard AI. So consider this your warning that I'm about to start "Operation Can I ask?" And in the upcoming weeks/months it will be posted here.

Plausible Deniability - The Mentalist Attitude on PokerStars AI.

This is a phrase that has been thrown around way too much in current movies and TV. It's usually used as a low level character protecting their boss by saying that they didn't know what the hero was doing. The hero is right. The boss is clueless. Hero uses devious tactics - and I'm talking to you Patrick Jane, to avoid boss repercussions because he seems to want the boss to be protected, when in reality he just wants to prove his point and smile smugly at the end when he is proven right.

I realize that these screen shots don't prove that they were all taken at the times that show up in the lower right hand corner. But I have the smugnacity (real word) of knowing that within about half an hour that they did.

So many tables with so many jackwipe fucktards having their first reaction at the table to be wiping out the previous chat before declaring an idiot not real poker game.

I can almost here Simon Baker saying, "Caught the bad guys. Let's leave it to Cho and Rigsby. Have some tea."

If a real person (and I don't count) ever would come across these tables the reaction would be an immediate WHAT THE FUCK?????

But these tables don't court new players. It's actually the opposite. Have new players avoid sitting at the table so we can crank out hand after hand after bogus hand.

An Explanation of What Operation Chat Wipe Means

The days of meaningful chat like "Hi Fred, how are the kids?" Or maybe, "The weather really sucks here in Seattle. I wish I had never moved from the smog in LA." Or even "brb, gotta let the dog out" have long ago disappeared. Now it's all about wiping out the previous chat and making your declaration on the table rules.

I haven't been challenged on it yet, but I feel the need to defend myself in advance.

OK Xenu - what exactly do these screen shots prove?

When the hilariously idiotic and repetitive characters appear in chat, wiping out the old chat, or even better wiping out non existent chat I have the time to get the screen shot before the last slots of available chat on the screen have been filled. Which proves that someone who we will call Allen Iverson (nicknamed AI) has deliberately taken the time to post those meaningless characters.

A virgin table opens up once every 20-30 seconds and these jackwipes continue to keep avoiding them and clearing a new table out of a used table. And not realizing that it's a virgin table and clearing it.

There's no strategic or tactical poker related reason for this. The previous chat, even on these bullshit all in games will be wiped out by a string of even more bullshit chat like
"GLAAAAAAAAAAAA RD !"
"NHS ALLLLLLLL"
"ROUND 33333333333333"
"RAGE ONNNNNNNNNNNHNN"
"TYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

And I can duplicate this every day without playing a single hand. Which I don't intend to since PS is set in impossible mode right now.

And tomorrow. Can I ask you something? (Cryptic, yes, but tomorrow's post will make it clear.)